Hi again, I'm kind of doing a lot in one post so feel free to skip parts.
I'm just a little stressed at the moment and don't really have a place to vent, plus I need to ask some questions about DIY. You don't have to read the vent or anything I just feel like I have to put it somewhere.
<long vent/diary>
-- Written on 29/07/26
(I'm writing this in parts, so I don't forget the stuff that has already happened)
So after my last post I stopped shaving (my body hair) so I could end up pulling the hairs from the root instead (shaving sucks and ruins my skin, plus it lasts all of 12 hours). Around the same time I went to Wales to see my grandparents, despite the hair growth being pretty dysphoric I actually had a pretty decent time, it was relaxing not being able to do anything (if you get what I mean) and probably the lack of people also helped. On the last day after I took a shower I felt a random wave of euphoria that lasted until I fell asleep (the mirror must've been very kind to me), too bad I didn't take a picture, but judging how that usually goes that would've ruined my mood. Some of that good mood is probably due to Constant Companions (Deluxe Edition) by Jamie Paige, which I downloaded right before I left, I listened to it on the train and honestly over the break it very quickly became my favourite album (my top 5 used to just be all soundtracks), sorry if that's off topic but I really have to share that, she makes such good music, can't believe that I found her music by pure chance.
Anyway, shortly after I got back my birthday happened, it was pretty cool and cause of a couple reasons (delayed deliveries, my dad working on the day), it was kind of spread out across the following few days (just got the last presents yesterday as of writing this), although I felt pretty dysphoric on my actual birthday which sucks, I think that was because I tried to use an epilator on my body the day before and couldn't go through with it, that and I wasn't really mentally ready for it. I asked my mum if I could get some waxing stuff and also some tools to shape my eyebrows, she helped me get some stuff from boots (the UK store) a few days ago, and I started using the waxing stuff today, it sucks and was similarly demoralising to when I was using an epilator, since it doesn't actually get all the hairs and ends up ripping a few, but I think I just gotta see this through and chip away at it over the next few days like I did when I first shaved my body, also since the hairs that were taken from the root aren't gonna grow back anytime soon. My body hair really gives me a feeling of hopelessness sometimes, I really want this to work.
Also I know I didn't comment or anything but I really liked everyone's selfies, you all look so good! Almost made me want to post something but I don't really have a good photo yet, the best one I have is a photo I deleted immediately but immich managed to save somehow.
(late addition: BeamNG v0.39 released today, and I think there's some suspiciously trans coloured graffiti on the updated cinderblock wall, if that was intentional then that's given me another reason to love the devs!)
-- Written on 30/07/26
Gonna be honest, I'll start this off with saying I can't tell if it's normal for other trans people to have to internally transition as well? I still don't have an internal sense of anything, but quite often use my birthname or use masc terms in my head (without much thought) before catching myself, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing? I personally tend to match what I surround myself by, and for most of my life I have been in masc spaces, so a lot of my language both internally and how I act around others is also very masc, not to worry though I tend to adapt really quickly whith in-person social environments due to my social anxiety, but since all of the social transition so far has been online and in my head, I feel it a bit jarring to use my chosen name and more fem language, it feels as though I'm forcing it or lying to everyone. It'll probably help when I tell my family my new chosen name and ask them to use a wider range of pronouns, and I can pretty much be 100% sure that expanding my social circle would very quickly solve the other problem, given I did go to a all boys school after all.
I contacted my GP today and hopefully they refer me to a GIC, anyway I did read up on HRT from transfemscience.org (yet to read the anti-androgen stuff) and also all of the transfem stuff on diyhrt.wiki.
-- Written on 04/08/26
Lots of nothing, mood swings and not so great feelings! Hopefully this is about as bad as it's going to get though.
Researching this stuff is making me worry about literally everything, hopefully it'll subside when I take my first dose and can confirm the troughs and peaks are good.
My GP has arranged a call later this month, hopefully they refer me after I talk to them.
Questions:
So I can tell diyhrt.wiki is outdated for the sources, but the hrt.coffee listings seem up to date. I'll probably do diy due to the higher costs of private healthcare, I'll also ask my aunt to see what they recommend, but I'm leaning toward injections since they're cheaper and seem to be the most effective.
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Are homebrew injections a good idea? OtokonokoPharma seems to be reliable (Vanna Pharma is gone unfortunately, and Symphony Labs isn't established enough), but I'm still not sure on the general sentiment, since I want to go through with injections as they're the best method. If so would starting on monotherapy (and measuring my T-levels) be a good idea?
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The "Mascara and Hope" guide, aside from being overly binary in their advice, recommend starting on a low dose and increasing (as per the NHS) as starting on a high dose leads to "conular (cone-shaped) breasts among various other health risks", but I'm not sure if this is the current advice or even really true?
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Storing HRT is supposed to be at room temperature, unfortunately it is summer and I'm in the UK, so like it's 30C in my room (35C on a bad day, 25C on a good day) with about 30-40% humidity, am I basically out of options or is this within reason? (OtokonokoPharma vials have enough for a year of use)
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Should I spend the extra effort to find my minimum required dosage to suppress testosterone (in monotherapy)? I get you should be aiming for it but since injections could be every 1 to 2 weeks and I need to wait for it to build up in my body first, if I can't get blood tests done for free I might just have to settle on what works
It was interesting. I did it for a couple of reasons. First, pure curiosity. Second, my sister was pregnant with her first at me time. And partially out of solidarity, partially my own gender feelings, I wanted to get a sense, in some very small way, of what she was feeling and going through.
The things I observed:
Greatly enhanced emotional highs and lows. (I ultimately stopped because I was starting a new job and needed to be more level headed.)
An enhanced sense of smell. Some things smelled worse. Some foods smelled amazing.
Breast soreness and swelling. Don't think I got much if any permanent growth, but things were definitely really sore for awhile.
Rosacea/the mask of pregnancy.
A dark line showing up on my abdomen between my belly button and groin. (Linea negra.)
It was pretty interesting experiencing even some of the externally visible physical effects of pregnancy.
Well thanks for your pioneering work and for sharing your findings. It's genuinely fascinating.