(sorry if this is too much.)

Hi,

To start this off I'll say I very recently came out to both my parents as trans, they are supportive and I am very lucky to have them :)

I've been on/off questioning for 3 years, which I guess is indication enough, I remember it starting off as me joking that I weirdly fit lots of egg stereotypes, as well as just consuming an ungodly amount of trans content and information (mostly on YT), but I certainly couldn't be trans because I didn't fit an exaggerated binary, "I didn't hate myself enough to have dysphoria", "I never wished to be a girl" etc.

I came out to a friend as questioning around October of 2025, and somehow managed to not do anything about it until last week, where it felt like I only just cracked my egg despite "knowing" for much longer. For what it's worth I seem to be very good at putting barriers up in my mind, when I was talking to my parents I couldn't quite articulate my feelings or really even feel what I felt during the night before, and that made me feel like I was lying. I don't know what that means but I've learnt to keep track of what I would feel if there weren't any external pressure, as such I'm writing this at 2 AM.

I think I might be genderfluid/demi-girl? Based on the fact I can't really get a feel of an innate sense of gender and my feelings change too often, I only really have the dysphoria to guide me, I still hate mirrors/photos but less so since I have awesome hair now. I'm pretty confident I want to look/pass as a girl, and I like the idea of HRT and voice training, while pronouns and my name I can't feel much either way yet (all stuff I've told my parents).

Regardless, my original plan of just going with it and figuring out if I'm binary or not later is probably the best one. Also I just had one of the weirdest brain worms right now, that I can't be trans because "I've been looking up to trans women for too long", as if that means I can't be one??? like what lmao.

I think the next best steps would be getting to know queer people local to me as well as contacting the NHS. Although everything I've heard makes me very scared to talk to the NHS, given I might need to change my name, and the fact they aren't very supportive, plus the waiting list, oh and that the records will be shared with Palantir, it's just a lot and I don't know what I'm doing.

Thank you if you read through all of this, I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, but any feedback is cool!