Hi all,
Im looking for some input/advice/help. I came out as trans some month ago. Its been on my mind for 15+ years and it feels great to finally have come out.
But I always have an extremely hard time internalizing stuff, and very much so in this case. This worry that "i might not be" keeps eating away at my brain and I dont know where to turn to ask for advice.
Ive tried to get more in touch with my feminine side and I absolutely love it. The initial gender euphoria was crazy. Ordering new clothes and ripping off the old mask of trying to meet the masculine ideals that was expected of me has been so freeing.
However, i havent come out at work or to my family yet. So i do have to put that mask back on almost daily. Some days really suck. Seeing myself in the mirror ranges for masc stubble nightmare to still seeing a version of me that I like (which I have never done before).
But something in my head keeps bugging me. A little goblin inside telling me "what if youre wrong?", "what if youre actually not trans", "you dont feel that bad when youre still looking masc", "youre not that dysphoric".
The gremlin has always been there in other scenarios but this time is giving me so much issues with my headspace just due to how important this whole journey is to me.
Does anyone have any advice? Is this normal? Is it common for people to deal with fantasy creatures in their head? Should I rethink my life choices?
I have no idea where to turn with this one but atleast tried to book a time with the only therapist/doctor ive met whos been able to properly talk about gender dysphoria. Although im afraid of how much I can/should say because trans care sucks here and I really dont want to be left out of the opportunity of actually getting help.
Hmmm. I mean, what if you are "wrong" what is stopping you from just stop transitioning?
The effect that could be permanent is fertility ( probably not if only a few months, I haven't seen a lot of things about that and for me it wasn't a problem since I didn't care) Well, also growing boobs. (In that case well surgery is a thing). Probably expensive depending where you live, then again it takes a bit of time to grow.
Don't get me wrong I had the same questions and to be honest all of this stopped when I started HRT and could feel again. That's the way I would put it.
And no, dysphoria isn't only about not being enough dysphoric. I felt this way, and I felt empty too for a while. And when you're getting used to this, low is you new standard. You know you can be lower so "it's not that bad", it's not ok either and now I see it.
I would even say since I transitioned dysphoria amplified because I could foresee the changes that I couldn't fathom as an egg.
I had a few good moments as "masc" (then again wouldn't it have been better if I could transition before? There's no way to compare).
When I transitioned a lot of things finally made sense in my past. I started working on my own traumas and mental health, my physical one too because I wanted to feel better too, to take care of myself finally.
Edit : I hope this message helps you! And congrats for putting words on your feelings too!
Thank you for the comment. I think the "irreversible" thoughts might make this feel more like a life-or-death situation, but you are entirely right.
And you might be onto something. Ive been at the very least curious about exploring femininity for atleast 16 years. I grew up in a pretty old-fashioned small town and I dont even think I heard the term "trans" until high school. So alot of my teens was just confusion regarding why I didnt like my body and feeling ashamed for wanting to explore my feminine side. The environment was also reflected in my parents and although I felt, atleast then, that they were more well-read and reasonable than most people around there was still not communication or outwards acceptance to anything outside the "old societal norms".
I tried to keep up the masc appearance, socially and visually, but that never felt right. The solution, which I guess was basically just to survive, was to just wear anything baggy clothes and oversized hoodies so that I didnt have to witness my body. And I guess I just got used to that? I mean. It never felt "good" to dress up but atleast it wasnt terrible. Also, since I didnt like acting masc I usually stayed away from most guys being overly masc, the football dudes acting up and playing macho was terrible so it usually ended up with me hanging out with the weird kids or the girls. Which felt way more at home.
I did have a wild experience when I got my first dress and my partner did my makeup, I think thats the first time I looked in the mirror and thought that I, me, not my clothes but actually my face, looked beautiful. So yeah, might just be used to the lows as you say? That also adds up since i have now noticed the "bad" days where I only see my old features in the mirror and that is a very noticable shift to the bad vibes.
I'm saying this with love, because I'm also saying this to my past self:
Sweetie that's really not very cisgender of you :) <3
Wanted to reply to this again. We're celebrating midsummer today, no big party just a few friends over.
But couldnt be me literally jumping in front of the mirror about how good my makeup, dress and jewellry looks. 😭❤️ Damn brain got hands fr 😭❤️
This is so sweet, thanks for sharing.
Thank you, that warms my heart ❤️