Was wondering what people think about the label "lesbian" and what it means, and who should or shouldn't use it.
There was someone on Bluesky who was upset when they learned I sometimes identify as a lesbian because I'm a woman in a long term relationship with a woman, even though I'm technically bisexual. (I've only ever dated women, would only ever want to date women.)
They said I was appropriating the label "lesbian", that I was lesbophobic, and that I was communicating that it's shameful to be bisexual. (For clarity, I don't hide that I'm bi, I will identify that way in some contexts, and in others I will identify as a lesbian - usually I identify as lesbian around straight people, and among LGBT+ folks I'm more likely to identify as bi or communicate more about my sexuality; tbh it doesn't come up much, and my sexual orientation not a big part of how I like to identify).
I tend to think a label like "lesbian" communicates a sexual or romantic relationship between two women, so I'm surprised to interact with someone who was so rigid about the label that it cannot apply to someone who is even capable of opposite-sex attraction ...
I'm not sure I would ever date a man, so sometimes "lesbian" or "sapphic" are labels that feel more accurate to who I am than a term like bisexual, which implies more openness than I actually have. It's also irrelevant for me since I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman, from the perspective of others in my life, I have been and will continue to be a lesbian ...
I just wonder where the rigidity comes from, and why the person thought I was lesbophobic. I wasn't able to ask her or learn about her perspective, so I was hoping someone would help me understand wtf just happened, lol
Short answer: nobody can stop you but some people will be mad at you.
Their arguments are basically all identical to what you described here, that there can and should be a word to clearly describe women who are exclusively attracted to women and that the word for that is and should remain "lesbian". Some folks derogatorily refer to that as prescriptivism, proponents counter that it's just using correct definitions for existing words. I'm inclined to agree with the latter but I'm not invested enough to get upset about it either way, if it works for you as a self-descriptor then follow your bliss.
hm, I wonder if the same thing happens with the gay male community - are gay men upset that some bisexual men who are in relationships with men and exclusively date men identify as gay?
I get the desire to have a word that designates homosexual women, I don't really want to infringe on that - but with straight people I'm not sure there is a perfect word to quickly communicate that I'm in a relationship with a woman and wouldn't date men ... bi implies I would date men, and "sapphic" is not a term most straight people seem to know, so it's not as useful in those particular contexts. And among queer elements I'm more likely to communicate I'm bi because queer folks are more likely to understand nuance with sexual orientation ...
As a bi femboy I did face similar criticisms when I was in a long term relationship with a guy. Similar to you, I frequently would describe myself as gay to strangers and cis people, but would go into more detail when hanging with other queers. A lot of the criticism was regarding stuff like bi erasure, but I occasionally even got some flack from my then partner as though I was appropriating culture. I think the big difference between us is that now that I'm single again, I describe myself exclusively as bi; I am attracted to women and would be happy dating one.
I think kinda going into your second point, there's a question of whether we should be describing our sexuality, or our relationship. Saying "I'm gay" immediately let people know my partner was a man. It was a lot more descriptive of my relationship status, even if it wasn't descriptive of my sexuality.
I would expect similar but I've encountered none regarding gay male self-identification, could just be a sample bias isssue since I'm more likely to engage with transfem content