Hey, folks. So to start this off, I'm going to say that I am trying to be respectful, polite, and sensitive. I try my best to live my life in such a way that I never intentionally or unavoidably harm someone. So that said, I just want to apologize in advance if anything I say is insensitive, and with the caveat that I hope everyone understands it is coming from a place of love and respect.
I am posting this for my 'neice.' She's my best friend's step daughter, so I'm not a blood relation, and we've only known each other a few years. I'd like to think we're fairly close, though. Friends in our own right, as well.
I'm not going to include any identifiable information, and I'm going to be showing this to her, so if you want to phrase your reply as a reply to her, that would be cool.
She came out several years ago as trans, has occasionally gone out dressed as a woman, and gone by her female name (we'll say Nicole), but in day to day life, she lives as Nick, in full boy mode. I was unaware until last night that she was still in the closet with a lot of people. I knew, her parents know, her ex wife knows. I assumed she was out, and had honestly wondered (and made assumptions, because humans are flawed) that it was an enby situation, or like a back and forth "today I feel like Nicole, today I feel like Nick" type of deal. I've been pretty much exclusively using Nick as the name unless she's dressed as Nicole. I feel really badly about that now.
But the thing that gets me, that really hurt me last night, was she telling me now that's she's getting divorced, she's wondering if she should just go back in the closet and not mention it while dating, because dating is hard enough already. It broke my heart. We talked, she always feels like Nicole. She wants to transition, she wants to live as Nicole, as that is who she is. I cried on my drive home. I'm a 34 year old gay cis man, I'm 6'3 and 270lbs. My egg cracked years ago, and I've never done a thing about it. I'll never pass, I'll never be able to explain to my family. So I've just repressed it.
I don't want my undone things to influence the way I approach this situation. I don't want to push Nicole because she has an opportunity I feel I didn't and don't. But I also want her to live her life in the best way for her. I want her to be happy. And when she told me she was thinking about going back into the closet, it hurt something deep inside I didn't even know was there.
All I could think about was that lesbian friend when I was 14 who got sent to the convent for nearly a year, or that stupid Pray Out The Gay bullshit I went to in secret at the mall when I was 16. Or my uncle, who was so terrified of coming out that he lived with his "roommate" for 15 years before they ever said the word gay to anyone besides my mother (who was an ally, and an incredible person. She did not send me to that pray out the gay thing).
All of these thoughts, these people from generations before me and from my own that have been unable to live their truths, all of them terrified and shunned, and here Nicole is, having to make the same stupid fucking decisions because of stupid fucking stupid jerks. It breaks my heart. It hurts my soul. I don't want that for her. I want her to have better. She deserves better. But I don't know how to help, or what to do. And I am aware that I have a bias here, and that it's easy to try to live vicariously through someone else, and I don't want that for either of us.
So that's basically it. I'm not sure what the question is, exactly. But if you read this, and you have any general advice for Nicole or me, please let me know. We live in a fairly conservative state. Her parents are supportive, but both her parents and I are moving about 8 hours away soon. That's a big chunk of a support network gone. She also has two kids to think about, both under 5. She does have friends, and I believe most of them know and are supportive, but I don't know for sure.
Hey, I'm 40. I'm a trans woman who was in the closet for 11 years, and started HRT in March this year. I will probably never pass, either.
That's irrelevant. For me, and for you. Be yourself. You have to be you, because otherwise you are eventually going to break under the strain of trying to be someone you aren't. I almost broke, and I almost stopped existing at all because of it.
Being you doesn't mean that everyone will accept you. It doesn't mean you will become a cis-passing stealth supermodel. It doesn't mean anything gets easier, except maybe for accepting yourself.
You're not alone, and you absolutely can do this.
I really appreciate this advice. I'm trying to convince her to go thrift shopping with me to find some things, as she doesn't have any feminine clothing right now (she would borrow clothes from her wife when they were together). I think she's going to!
I have a question about all this, if you don't mind me tacking on?
How expensive is transition? I'm poor. Like, doordashing to make sure I have enough to keep the lights on poor. I've always been poor, but my mom passed away in April, and as I was her caregiver, that was also my sole source of income. I am genuinely broke. If I were to consider doing it, I'd be almost guaranteed to be putting myself in a situation where surgical transition is out of the question. Does insurance typically cover HRT? The wardrobe part of things is going to be tricky with someone of my frame, but I'm handy on a sewing machine, and I'm comfortable making and altering clothes. Shoes I don't think they make in my size. I have to special order my shoes in men's styles. Oy.
But, in my talks with Nicole, and reading y'all's messages, and just thinking on this for a while... I think I am going to try going to a local trans friendly bar with some friends this coming weekend, and I'm going to let my friend who's trans fem do my make up. Maybe it'll help Nicole to see someone else do it, too. My God this is scary.
Transition is what you make of it. I'm not transmedicalist, and if you tell me you're trans, then you're trans. Social transition (clothes, makeup, voice, name, pronouns) is whatever you want to spend on it. Be yourself no matter what!
Medical transition costs depend on where you are, though. In the US, insurance coverage just became a minefield. I had coverage, and now I won't because of federal government changes to policies. HRT wasn't expensive but it wasn't cheap. Doctor visits, blood work, and medications. Estradiol pills are cheap, but then you need a testosterone blocker, which is less so. Injection mono therapy is a little more expensive, but then you don't need the blocker and it's a way longer schedule.
Surgeries are a whole different world, though, and I hope others can chime in on that. I am not far along on my journey to have any yet. You may not even need all or any, depending on age, genetics, and your comfort level with your identity. Not everyone is binary, and your self image might "resolve" into clarity further into transition.
You can do it, though. I spoke with a 70 year old woman last week who started in her 60s. She looks and sounds amazing and more importantly she loves herself. All that matters is that you love who you are!
Surgeries depend on a lot of context - if you are in the US, it depends on whether your insurance will cover the surgeries or not; if you live in a country where they are covered under the public health system, then they can be relatively affordable. Out of pocket often looks like flying to Thailand, it can be quite expensive all things considered (in the tens of thousands), but there are a variety of options with different prices (in Thailand they even offer the option to forego general anaesthesia and use local anaesthesia to lower costs).
Regardless of how expensive transition is, transitioning is worth it - you're trans either way, and the clinical evidence is pretty robust that transition results in major improvements in the health and quality of life for trans people.
EDIT: I meant to mention, orchi is much, much cheaper and more attainable than other bottom surgeries. A vulvoplasty is also much cheaper and has a quicker recovery than a full vaginoplasty. There is a range of options, and they all help reduce dysphoria. I had an orchiectomy six months before my vaginoplasty, even though my vaginoplasty was already scheduled - the benefits were worth it for even just those six months.