Hey, folks. So to start this off, I'm going to say that I am trying to be respectful, polite, and sensitive. I try my best to live my life in such a way that I never intentionally or unavoidably harm someone. So that said, I just want to apologize in advance if anything I say is insensitive, and with the caveat that I hope everyone understands it is coming from a place of love and respect.

I am posting this for my 'neice.' She's my best friend's step daughter, so I'm not a blood relation, and we've only known each other a few years. I'd like to think we're fairly close, though. Friends in our own right, as well.

I'm not going to include any identifiable information, and I'm going to be showing this to her, so if you want to phrase your reply as a reply to her, that would be cool.

She came out several years ago as trans, has occasionally gone out dressed as a woman, and gone by her female name (we'll say Nicole), but in day to day life, she lives as Nick, in full boy mode. I was unaware until last night that she was still in the closet with a lot of people. I knew, her parents know, her ex wife knows. I assumed she was out, and had honestly wondered (and made assumptions, because humans are flawed) that it was an enby situation, or like a back and forth "today I feel like Nicole, today I feel like Nick" type of deal. I've been pretty much exclusively using Nick as the name unless she's dressed as Nicole. I feel really badly about that now.

But the thing that gets me, that really hurt me last night, was she telling me now that's she's getting divorced, she's wondering if she should just go back in the closet and not mention it while dating, because dating is hard enough already. It broke my heart. We talked, she always feels like Nicole. She wants to transition, she wants to live as Nicole, as that is who she is. I cried on my drive home. I'm a 34 year old gay cis man, I'm 6'3 and 270lbs. My egg cracked years ago, and I've never done a thing about it. I'll never pass, I'll never be able to explain to my family. So I've just repressed it.

I don't want my undone things to influence the way I approach this situation. I don't want to push Nicole because she has an opportunity I feel I didn't and don't. But I also want her to live her life in the best way for her. I want her to be happy. And when she told me she was thinking about going back into the closet, it hurt something deep inside I didn't even know was there.

All I could think about was that lesbian friend when I was 14 who got sent to the convent for nearly a year, or that stupid Pray Out The Gay bullshit I went to in secret at the mall when I was 16. Or my uncle, who was so terrified of coming out that he lived with his "roommate" for 15 years before they ever said the word gay to anyone besides my mother (who was an ally, and an incredible person. She did not send me to that pray out the gay thing).

All of these thoughts, these people from generations before me and from my own that have been unable to live their truths, all of them terrified and shunned, and here Nicole is, having to make the same stupid fucking decisions because of stupid fucking stupid jerks. It breaks my heart. It hurts my soul. I don't want that for her. I want her to have better. She deserves better. But I don't know how to help, or what to do. And I am aware that I have a bias here, and that it's easy to try to live vicariously through someone else, and I don't want that for either of us.

So that's basically it. I'm not sure what the question is, exactly. But if you read this, and you have any general advice for Nicole or me, please let me know. We live in a fairly conservative state. Her parents are supportive, but both her parents and I are moving about 8 hours away soon. That's a big chunk of a support network gone. She also has two kids to think about, both under 5. She does have friends, and I believe most of them know and are supportive, but I don't know for sure.