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Charisma
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this post was submitted on 05 Sep 2025
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My ex, well if you can even call it that, dumped me because I apparently apologize too much and "apologies are useless and just show that you lack confidence".
So, according to her, yes.
"Abuse me harder. Nothing like force to prove your point!"
Dodged a bullet there
I will say that apologies without the intent to change behavior suck. They're there to politely admit that you recognize you made a mistake, and that you're going to try to not repeat it. If you don't have the last part then it's useless. However, with the last part, they're one of the things that take the most strength for a person to do.
Eh, they can also exist to politely acknowledge that the other person's feelings were hurt, but not to admit wrongdoing ("I'm sorry you feel X"). That's something, but generally not what the other person is looking for.
It's not an apology then is it ?
No, but it sounds like one.
I’m sorry you feel that way
I hear what you're saying.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is pretty much just a lie though, isn’t it?
It can be a genuine display of empathy, or it could be totally dismissive. My point is that saying "sorry" doesn't need to be an admission of guilt, but it does need to show that you care about the other person's feelings.
I am forced to disagree with the first point of your assessment.
empathy
[em-puh-thee]
Phonetic (Standard)IPA
noun
Even if someone were actually sorry about how another person feels, that is very different from psychological identification with how the other person feels, or vicariously experiencing what the other person feels. At best, “I’m sorry you feel that way” is an expression of pity and/or condescension.
Again, that comes down to how it's communicated. For example, of someone's parent dies, dropping by to say, "I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I've been there and know how much it sucks. If you'd like to talk, I'm always available."
That takes the form of an apology, while not apologizing for anything and instead recognizing, validating, and offering help with their feelings.
That's obviously and extreme example, but I think it demonstrates my point.
Another more realistic example in a relationship would be someone getting frustrated about their partner's busy work schedule. "I'm sorry that I'm not around as much as you'd like, and please understand that I also miss you when I'm gone. I also really enjoy my work, and this is the balance that gives me the most time with you without shirking my responsibilities at work."
That is often caused by abuse earlier in their life that forms a habit which is hard to break. Frequently being blamed for things they may or may not have done and being forced to apologize becomes a habit, or trying to deflect because they are worried that the other person might be upset when things don't go perfectly can be hard to stop doing.
It does come across as attention seeking.
Yeah I struggle with it myself. But I'll also say "hurt people hurt people" is usually used to refer to how many cruel and assertively abusive people have trauma, but it also works very well to describe how many trauma responses including sympathetic ones can damage those around you. I've been abused by someone whose entire tactic was about how damaged and traumatized she was and despite her constant lies, I do believe that her self image issues and inability to sit with her thoughts are real, even that she had a background of being abused, but she left behind a trail of hurt people that she'd latched onto as potential saviors. And the inability to handle someone being upset with them is one of the really damaging things about these people, as enforcing boundaries makes you into the villain.
Sorry if that was more trauma dump than helpful addition. I have feelings about all this
They sounds awful.
If this was the reason they broke it off, then they did you a favour. A worthwhile relationship wouldn't end over something so small. Better to move onto more mature partners
I don’t mean this is in a bad way, but they are sort of right on the last part. Apologies aren’t useless though. They are very needed to maintain healthy relationships between people, be they romantic or business or otherwise.
But I do also get very tired very quickly, if someone is over-apologizing or just constantly doing it. Either there’s a reason for the apology and they constantly fuck up or do something wrong, at least in their own opinion enough to warrant the apology. or they keep saying it where they need not do so which is just frustrating and I have also associated it with lack of confidence.
Either way, I can understand your ex, and have felt the exact way they did, and I wanted to just stop by and say that it is not necessarily intended as an insult or as a criticism or whatever, just that they really could not deal with it. I had no hard feelings or anything bad to say about the people I’ve met like this, always apologizing, it’s simply a very human incompatibility.
There are people who don’t perceive the apologies as tiring or annoying or as lack of confidence or whatever. Those people will love you for it. But the people who don’t, aren’t necessarily intending to signal or say it’s bad, it might just be that it’s incompatible with them. That’s how I’ve explained it or how I feel it anyway, but I found myself relating to your ex so thought I’d throw in an anecdote from the other side.
What she unironically meant is that you should never, ever apologize even if you realize you fucked up and just double down endlessly. But nice that you assumed the worst possible scenario about me as a person with no context whatsoever, really appreciate that.
Small anecdote to demonstrate: after we broke up, she went out with her best friend to party and they met some dude that they invited to an after-party at my ex's place. Best friend hooked up with him and that made my ex so mad that she called the police on both of them (it was during covid - they didn't practice social distancing, their body their choice, you know). She never apologized for it and it destroyed their friendship for a while. They apparently hang with each other again now, so I dunno what happened. They are both crazy, so birds of a feather I guess.
orgrinrt@lemmy.world generously gave you gentle feedback in case it applied to you. No need to get insulted. They didn't bother to get more context from you in a to-and-fro because they are not paid to do so.
I'm sorry brother.