Well, it's happened. Three months ago, I made a post here asking about how to cope with the wait for surgery (By the way, thank you for all the nice comments. They were very helpful and I regret I just didn't have the energy to reply. But know they were appreciated a lot). I was aiming for January. I prepared all the documents, collected them over months and put in my application for coverage. And today, the answer came back. Denied. I did everything right. All the right documents, all the right doctors. The reason for the denial? They say I need to provide proof for 12 months of therapy. This is an old guideline. The current guideline, which has been in place since 2020 says: 6 months. I paid a therapist out of my own pocket without their coverage for exactly 6 months of therapy. This was about 2000€. And now they, who are literally the institution made for adhering to their guidelines, are disrespecting their own guidelines.
Respectfully, I can't fucking believe it. I read the e-mail four hours ago and I'm still in tears. Of course I'll appeal it. It'll probably work, they're factually wrong. But this delay means I won't have surgery this winter. It'll be summer at least before I have surgery, everything takes ages in this transphobic, terrible system. Initially, I just went to therapy because they made me, because I needed the hours for the application. But this system is making me sick. It's making me mentally ill, it's making me consider suicide. I don't know how to cope with having a penis any longer. The wait until January felt impossible. And now it's postponed, at least months. Maybe years, who knows at this point? The thought of having to endure this body so much longer makes me physically sick. I want to throw up. I can't do this anymore, it's so painful. Honestly, one of the most painful things, if not THE, I've ever experienced.
Another summer with a penis. Another year without being seen as human by dates. Another summer without swimming, without tight dresses, without cute bottoms. Another year of wasting my youth on the most horrifying thing I wouldn't even wish my worst enemy: transition. I know it's an ungrateful thing to say and positivity should be embraced but right now I'm on the ground and I'll just say it: I wish I was cis. I would do anything for it. I'd kill, unironically.
Rant over. I'm sorry, I just had to get this out.
I usually don't interact with Social Media, I just lurk. But reading this had me in tears and I just wanted to type out a few words waiting at the train station rn. I'm agender and also don't like having a penis. I wish it would just disappear and I wish I just didn't have any gendered characteristics. No need to delve deeper into that right now, though. One of my closest friends is transfem (a shared hatred for having a penis is a really nice bonding agent) which is one of the reasons this hits really close to home for me.
Now, to actually get to a point: I just want to give you some kind internet words in the hopes that they can maybe at the very least let you know you're not alone in all this. I would also like to offer you to reach out to me via dm if you need someone to talk to. (I could dm you some channels of contact if you want)
I don't know you but I looked through your post and comment history a bit and you seem like a wonderful and lovely lady. Please don't let this piece-of-shit system ruin that. Don't let it take your life.
Seriously, please don't hesitate to reach out if you think you could benefit from that. You're worth that, you deserve to have someone to talk to who can at least somewhat relate to what you're going through.
I'm German too, so no language barrier there.
Lots of love