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Help with support group recommendation
(self.mtf)
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this post was submitted on 06 Aug 2025
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Transfem
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If you have the ability, in addition to the recommendations here, check out an irl support community. Online ones all delve into internet reality distortion that all online communities have, and irl community is really good for you
Before I discovered 4t4, I was mod in small trans community in matrix, but I left because I hated how everybody had too much toxic positivity. And they were banning everybody all the time. I just couldn't handle that. I hate seeing people banned for minor offences. I like teesing, expressing opinion even if it's against majority and not beeing affraid of that.
Later I tried IRL support group. That one smelled from the start, Even before first session, I've got like 4 e-mails and in every single one was mentioned it's "safe zone", and no bigotry will be tolerated, and even before session started IRL, we were notified about that 3x. It was very unconfortable, first, I'm huma, I'm trans, I understand that I have to be nice to people, and I do always try to be better to people than they are to me, that's my rule of thumb. But if somebody is saying to me several times that I have to abide rules, and how I should behave, I feel it at first as personal attack, that they by default asume everybody is a* hole, and second, I feel like they are giving me warnings that other opinion than theirs is not welcome there.
First people I felt like at home were 4t4. I personally don't share lot of their opinions, but they never let me feel bad about that. It was also great place to vent, because I knew everybody felt as I do. And one thing that I really liked tha they are activelly trying to separate fetishes from lgbtq (or at least from T). which I can't say about r/mtf on reddit.
oh, and IRL, this weekend I was on pride... one one hand it was very nice to see tranners from around city. but also, when I see trans 3m on E looking way way way better than i'll ever look... It didn't felt good. like, durrung pride week, I cried at least 2 nights. (not sure what's happening with me past few weeks, I feel like I'm starting to spiral)
I'm sympathetic to all that. I used to be really involved in mtf a long time ago. I used to make fun of the toxic positivity of Susan's place, I was actually kind of a raging asshole to the "hons". I didnt want to be seen as like them. I was young and edgy and I was trans as a medical condition not as an ideology. Transgender circlejerk was my place, after a while. I'm actually pretty grateful I never found 4tran when I was younger, because I probably would've felt so comfortable there I wouldn't've found my way to the irl communities where I thrive now.
What I'll say on it all is that touching grass was good for me even if it hurt my edgy 20 something ego. There were things I had to shut up about, but my biases got challenged by me doing so. Once I had friends rather than just support groups I was able to talk freely, and sometimes that meant hours long discussions where I was sincerely convinced to change my mind on things. Making friends that lived different rather than merely thinking differently was good for me.
Also, from the bottom of my semi-passing heart, learn to get over yourself when it comes to your appearance. A lot of online trans communities get deep into masochistic epistemology, especially when it comes to appearances. It can get as bad as incels. And in those communities they fail to see how bricky some cis women are. Trans surgery and transmedicalist communities are the worst for it. My cis ex was browsing the Trans surgeries subreddit in preparation for my bottom surgery and she would get frustrated at how many people were insisting that they and others needed ffs for a skull more feminine than hers or other stuff like that. But also you deserve to live a full life even if you don't pass in the slightest.
though fair warning, I have found IRL support groups even more toxic than online spaces. It's important to go anyway and make connections, especially to find people in your local community - this is a good way to find safe doctors and other service providers (e.g. hairdressers, etc.).