https://imgur.com/a/6JkRV6X

I've been on HRT for 3 years, and I really have lost all hope that I will ever look like a girl or be gendered correctly or even just be treated with dignity. I'm really ugly and honestly I can tell, people lie and say well it's your personality that matters. It's really not that hard to see, and I am wondering if there is a point to spending 120 dollars a month, just for peace of mind.

I decided to come out to my mom by sending her a "letter" to make it easier for me but I'm not sure is it good enough. Main things I want her to understand are how I feel, that this didn't happen overnight and that it's a big problem for me. This is what I wrote (translated to English):

"Something is bothering me for some time now, I want to explain everything here. It’s hard for me to start conversation about this so to make it easier for me I wrote it. I know this will be hard for you and I want to give you as much time as you need to process it. Only thing I want is support, all of this is already very hard for me so if we made negative atmosphere it would become even worse. So, I’m pretty sure that I’m transgender. I don’t know what you heard about trans people in media so I’ll try to explain how I feel. To put it shortly, it’s awful. I don’t feel good in my own skin. Whenever I’m not distracted by school or hobbies I feel really bad. I don’t like how I look and sound and how others see me. I can’t dress how I want. I feel like I’m wearing a costume because of others. A costume that I want to remove but can’t. I feel envy towards women, sometimes I can’t even look at them because of it. As times goes things become worse and my wish to do something about this is growing stronger but I’m scared. I’m scared of potential reactions of others, especially family members, and that I would be rejected. I wanted to come out to you first because I think you won’t disapprove me immediately and at least try to understand me. Like I said, support is really important to me at the moment. If people reject me things would become worse. I want to go to a therapist as soon as possible, that would be the best solution, but I wanted to tell you everything first. I don’t want to do something like this behind your back. I also want to tell you that this isn’t something recent, I’m just able to better understand my feeling now that I’m older. For years I wondered how it’s like to be a girl, I wanted to experience it for a short period. I had dreams where I became a girl. I thought it’s normal and that everyone experienced it from time to time. Anything that has something to do with changing gender was interesting to me, especially male to female. I thought it’s just a fetish. When I realized there is more to these feelings I tried convince myself I’m just making it up and that I can’t be trans. It was hard for me to accept myself as transgender but after some time I couldn’t find a different explanation. Stubbornness and fear were only reasons why I couldn’t accept myself. I’m sorry for not telling this sooner, I want you to understand that it’s hard to talk about this. I’m scared that others will reject me but I also want to do something about these feelings in order to be happy. And, again, support means me more than anything. I’m sure that you have feelings of loss while reading this. I’ll always be me, things like this won’t change that. If you blame yourself for this, please don’t do it. You and dad, or anyone else, aren’t blameworthy. No matter what you did in the past I would get here at some point. If you read all of this, I want to let you know it means a lot to me. When you are ready to talk about this just tell me, it’s easier now that I shared these feelings with someone. This should remain between the two of us, others shouldn’t know about it at the moment."

Is this good? This is really important to me so I want to approach it in a right way and feedback would be really helpful with that.

Important note: Verbs and adjectives are gendered in my native language. I used masculine forms because I feel like that would make things a bit easier for her. Should I keep that?

    Like a girl

From the beginning, girls and boys
Are raised in wildly different ways:
We're meant to play with different toys,
We're shamed or praised for equal traits.

Though I've been groomed to be a man,
Deep down, our nature can't be changed.
They hope I'm careless and brave,
                and aggressive and bold,
                and well-spoken and suave,
                and detached, even cold.

But I'm sensitive and frail.
I'm not an alpha male.
Whenever I try it, I hopelessly fail.

Girls have plenty they can wear
Cute or stylish -- it's all there!
A fine dress, and heads are turned;
A cute skirt, their frown's adjourned.
The gray manhood can't compare,
And it frankly isn't fair...

I can't think of a plan
For what's bound to unfurl.
They're expecting a man,
Yet I think like a girl.

Note: I've written this poem before realizing I'm a trans woman. I have since learned there's nothing wrong with manhood -- the problem was that I'm not a man, myself.

-- Lady Scarecrow

Today I was scrolling social media and saw a trans gal who used to weigh 280 but now weighs 175 it reminds me that I'm 200 and raising (I don't have a scale currently) my HRT hasn't been working properly so I know that fat is going to masculine areas. Every time I inject I'm reminded what I'm doing is useless and my body will just raise my T or whatever the hell it's doing. I likely am just resistant to estrogen but I'll never know since I can't afford an endocrine doctor (maybe I should be on hrt if I can't afford that I don't whatever the fuck liberals (non leftist) say) I don't really have a community anymore, I'm set to have to move back to my hometown and I have nothing there. I just feel like my life never was worth living to start with but I feel like I've just lost interest in waiting and trying. 2 years ago I started HRT and my E levels are so off and on, it's never consistently working. I just feel like there isn't really any reason I want to be alive.

It's a designer knockoff I bought online. Crossbody, 28x18cm (10x7 in), and I guess chains are a thing now because most bags have them in some form of a handle nowadays rather than old school leather or fabric straps?

Also, hi blahaj! I'm Kelly. Long time lurker, first time poster. 49, transwoman. Egg shattered into a million pieces last November and have been on a wild ride of self disco with the wife. What an experience it is, learning how to be yourself.

But seriously, this bag. This beautiful, fabulous, shiny bag! How much does this bag rock my face? Omfg I love this fucking bag

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Do I see myself at all?

Why's this beard so thick and vast
In my image that you cast?
Why's there so much body hair?
And the breasts that I should bear?
And these arms so far from slender?
Where's the sight of my true gender?

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
What I've seen has made me crawl.

All I wish you'd show to me
Is the woman I can't see.
Not the fairest of them all,
For whom anyone would fall,
Nor a pretty one, indeed.
Just a woman's all I plead.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
I can't blame you, after all.
You're a physical device
Meant to show what's in their eyes.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.
You can't hear me as I call.
But I'll ask you anyway:
Will you show myself one day?

-- Lady Scarecrow

[Requesting engagement from trans-feminine people on HRT]

I don't yet know when I will begin hormone replacement therapy, but the anticipation leaves me prone to developing expectations I worry are unrealistic.

Not sure how best to explain. My emotions, and sometimes my expression of those emotions, will feel masculine when heightened. Feeling intensely happy or angry about something even unrelated to my identity, those feelings give me dysphoria because of how masculine they seem. It's not that being happy or angry is inherently masculine, of course. The dysphoria comes from the emotion's manifestation seeming masculine.

I don't know if this makes sense, but has anyone experienced something similar and/or seen changes to these sorts of things?

I'm so ugly and It keeps getting worse since I binge eat, I just fucking hate myself. I keep eating and I know it's actively making me look more masculine. And feel worse.

I'm feeling so much more confident in my trans identity, I te s kind of crazy. I'm at a point where I'm getting more confident removing hair and such.

I'm getting to a point where I'm getting super interested in makeup, especially foundation and contouring to cover my nasty shit and hide my big nose and all..

Also, I so want to get more feminine clothes. A skirt, a dress, something, but idk what, or how to get something to fit my shape?

Basically, I want something new, I have a couple avenues, but I strongly don't know how to do either.

As a transfem, it's probably not a surprise that I get disphoric about a certain area. Tucking normally doesn't really work for me because it leaves tape residue everywhere, hurts like hell to remove the tape and is super inconvenient (even though it's medical tape). My idea: there has to be at least some underwear that is specifically designed for tucking.

After googling for a good while, I found a couple of sites offering tucking underwear. The only issue is: the price is extremely high. Does anyone of you have experience with tucking underwear? What are your thoughts and can you recommend them? I don't wanna blow a ton of money on something that turns out to be only mediocre at best.

Along with that, does anyone have any sources to buy from in central Europe (online or in-person), specifically Austria/Vienna?

I am not affiliated with this person. I have spoken to her in passing and she is a great gal in a tough spot.

 If I could donate I would, but I am hoping maybe someone more well off might be able to help. I don't think she's even expecting to get any donations, but maybe a surprise would turn things around for her.

https://gofund.me/c2152e1d

Thank you all for your consideration.

EDIT: I think I should clarify as well, she did not even share this gofundme with me, nor her Twitter, but I noticed a Twitter link on her profile, and within in I found a post linking the gofundme. It doesn't seem like she has tried to push anyone to give her money, it seems to me like a quiet call for help, especially since the post didn't have any activity so far. I only spoke to her throughout one night, and she did not ask me for anything but conversation the whole time. I do believe anyone who met her would agree she is someone who could really benefit.

Hi!

tl;dr after injecting the same amount of estradiol valerate (subq) for a month or so, I started to experience more dysphoria and signs of testosterone (esp. mental) started to come back. Any reason this might be?

Longer version / details:

I injected 5 mg (0.25 mL) of estradiol valerate subq into my thighs every four days for a while, and for a couple weeks I started injecting into my abdomen instead to avoid blood supplies.

This dose seemed like more than enough. In the past 3.4 mg every 3 days gave me blood estradiol levels of ~350 pg/mL at trough. Recent labs showed 5 mg every 4 days had ~300 pg/mL at trough for me, which was lower than I expected.

It's a good level, but I was having weird dysphoric experiences that commonly happen when my hormones are out of wack (usually when I'm taking too little estrogen). Things like really doubting my gender identity, depression (lack of motivation, lethargic), anhedonia (little pleasure, flat affect, often leads to craving short-term reward behaviors). Physiological signs of T were not as evident in this case, and the dysphoria was not as severe as in the past when my estrogen was too low. Still, it seemed a lot like my estrogen was too low.

I increased my dose to 5.4 mg and the dysphoria went away within a day and I felt amazing and continued to feel amazing. I intended to switch to 5.4 mg / 4 days instead, but on day 3 I could feel my hormones coming down and trusting my experience I injected 5 mg a day early with the intention of trying 5 mg / 3 days (which is a lot more than I have taken before in terms of what this should do to my overall levels). Still not sure what I will do next. Part of me wants to stick with a 4 day cycle to keep lower peaks and to minimize overall levels (out of principle, I know injecting is not as risky as oral routes).

I'm trying to figure out why a stable dose that seems so high and was for the most part effective would suddenly not be "enough" (assuming that's indeed what's happening).

For context I'm close to 4 months on HRT, I took bicalutamide for a bit but stopped because I don't think it helped my mental symptoms and that's the most important therapeutic goal for me with taking HRT. I switched to monotherapy after 2 months which is when I started the 5 mg / 4 days.

I've heard sometimes the body can go through phases as it adjusts to estrogen early in HRT, so maybe this is just one of those lurches or adjustments?

Anyway here are some guesses I came up with:

• I gained some weight (like 15 lbs), some maybe I need a little more EV than before?
• injecting into abdomen depots the oil differently than the thigh, so maybe I am seeing a slower or lower circulation of EV (or alternatively a much faster circulation that is causing a crash earlier?)
• maybe the estrogen receptors are downregulating due to taking too high of a dose too regularly? (I see lots of debate about whether this is a thing, mostly people on Reddit rejecting the idea that this has any clinical relevance.)

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or has suggestions.

Thanks so much!

I feel like I am at a point in my transition where I might benefit from adding progesterone into the equation. However, I have heard wildly different opinions on whether it has any impact at all, and criticism of generally available creams on amazon for not being the same as human progesterone, since they are often derived from plants.

What do you girls think? Are they junk, or are there some out there worth trying?

I thinking about trying to start with HRT earlier than I previously planned. My plan was to start transitioning after I become financially independant but when I think about that it would take at least 5 years until I start taking hormones but 6 years looks more realistic. Not sure that I can wait that long. This options isn't out of the question because it may actually be the best one but I'm not so sure about it anymore.

Main problem is that I really want to be feminine but my musculine body is getting in my way all the time, no matter how feminine I feel from some things my body still brings dysphoria. I can't feel like myself because of it.

I searched for stories of trans women from my country to get more information about the way trans women are treated here and it looks like situation is better than I tought, coming out might not be as bad as I expected. From what I heard even older people in rural areas were supportive of trans women.

When I look at my situation only person I could come out is my mother if I approach the conversation in a right way. I know that it would be hard for her, but if I explain to her what being trans actually means and how I feel about myself she might come around it. Not really sure what's the best way to do it. I can try giving some resources to her but that wouldn't be that easy because she knows only 1 language and it's not english. Connecting her with other parents of trans girls could also work. Also, I'm not sure is it good idea to don't force her on using different pronouns and name at first to make things a bit easier for her.

One important note is that even if I decide to come out that won't be now because I'm not ready for it yet, I would wait for some time (not too long thou).

Reason why I'm talking about coming out here is because doing that first would make medical transition easier. In my country, gender affirming care is only available in capital. Since I'm 18 going there isn't really a problem but the fact that it would mean going there often and I don't do that normally is a problem. If I started seeing a therapist my parents would quickly think that something is odd basically forcing me to come out, that would be much worse than coming out when I'm ready. I'm still considering starting without anyone knowing but in that case I would quickly come out to avoid worst case scenario.

Basically, I'm not sure how to go with this. Should I wait? Should I come out (and how)? Or should I start in secret and come out quickly after that?

In case it matters, gender affirming care in my country includes seeing a psychiatrist for at least a year, after that you start with hormones and after 1 year of hormones and more talking with psychiatrist you can do SRS. After SRS you can change gender marker and name (you can't change musculine name to feminine one before SRS).

The wait

Now I finally see
There's a woman in me.

And the void in my heart
That would never depart,
And the pain that would start
Without reason at sight
-- All's explained, and alright.
And the future looks bright.

But, for now, that's my fate:
I must keep it inside.
My most beautiful side,
Which has blossomed so late,
I'm now struggling to hide.
For how long must I wait?

To be me,
To be free,
To pursuit my own glee?
Oh, how long will it be?

The path that lies ahead
Is harsh and filled with dread,
But my resolve won't wane:
I'd gladly rush, instead.
But life's forced me to refrain
And waste this time I won't regain.

Will this new life compensate
All the time I'll have to wait?

-- Lady Scarecrow

Just venting a bit.

I expected that dysphoria will increase with more euphoria but not this fast. Before, I had dysphoria because of my presentation, fat distribution and chest but things that didn't bother me at all started to feel wrong and I just want to get rid of them. This mainly includes body hair, genitals and facial hair.

I also need more euphoria. At this point I put on feminine clothes every time I go to the bathroom (it's the only place where I have complete privacy). It seems like I'll have to buy some women's underwear to feel more comfortable (so far I only put on my mom's clothes that is going to washing machine). I'm kinda scared to go and buy it myself, ordering online is pretty risky until I come out.

If yall want, we can maybe even make a big room or something where we can hang out and chat. IDK, I just need more interaction with cool people who are trans and wholesome. If yall know any good Matrix servers that are trans-focused/just have a ton of trans people in them, please feel free to send them to me. I'm dying for community right now tbh.

Apparently it’s been over a month and a half since we reached internal consensus on this, but I still haven’t made any progress on this subject other than asking at a local support group: Unfortunately no-one there seems to care much about this subject (only SFS/SRS for some reason), so it wasn’t much help.

What I want to know is: How do you actually find a surgeon to perform this kind of procedure? And how do you decide if it turns out there are multiple practical options? Is it worth leaving the region to go by plane (post-surgery train ride sounds a lot nicer than flying…)?

Details: We’re located in the EU and the public health insurance carriers don’t cover it.* We have the money to pay for this kind of procedure privately, but it would be better not to put too much stress on our savings as our income isn’t that great. This also means there is no list of “in network” surgeons (that’s a USian concept, I think?) to consult. We’ve been on HRT for over a year and a half, still weigh less than 90kgs and are AMAB and unlikely to be inter (that checks all the usual boxes, I think).

Any resources or personal stories would be appreciated as well.

* In fact, they were apparently recently sued into at least covering facial lasing, but everything trans-related is a default-no with public insurance unless overruled in court. In theory one could perform the procedure in Denmark (where it is covered), get the SS2 form rejected by the public health insurance around here, then spend the next couple of years in court with them though.

I was thinking of making a community engagement post last week in the run up to the Easter weekend and transgender day of visibility, but it got lost under a recent promotion at work and a few busy days.

So yeah how was your Easter weekend / TDoV? 😊 Most of my family is on vacation so I just had a quiet weekend at home with my partner. All the drama that went down with TDoV landing on Easter Sunday was.. unsettling to say the least. I hope everyone was able to weather that storm of hate and propaganda safely.

It went pretty well! There's maybe some small red flags but I'm in Florida so I didn't expect smooth sailing.

But all-in-all I got the informed consent form, require a note from my psychiatrist, and need to do some baseline hormone tests before I begin.

But if all goes well I will start hormone therapy in 6 weeks!!!!

Hey just an update, as I made a post Thursday a week ago that was quite heavy, and I felt it would be unfair to leave that hanging.

I've finally gone on hrt and I feel amazing. In a terrible kind of way. Like still totally depressed, numb, concentration issues and the like but in a feeling fantastic kind of way.

Last Monday I broke a vase. I left it like that until today. I tidied up, cleaned up, moved furniture, cried cuz of music, hung pictures on the wall which I wanted to do for years, apologized to a friend, unpacked more of my stuff. I rewarded myself by going out and getting a pizza. I clicked with everyone it was fantastic.

While I was biking home I realized that I knew I wouldn't be tired. I wouldn't have to retreat into a dark corner with my phone, pushing away hours hoping for my stamina to return.

Hormones work. I still can't believe it. I still can't believe I am a woman. I still can't believe that I can decide what I'll do tomorrow. I still can't believe that this is what life is like for most poeple. Ya'll doing a bunch of drugs 24 7 essentially. And this goes on for the rest of my life? Omg

Edit: this song

I started cross-dressing while I'm alone at home and few minutes ago I was doing that. There was a dress I wanted try and I did it now (I love it) but when I finished for today it was pretty hard to take it off because it wasn't made for musculine body (first time having problem like that). I was scared that I won't able to take it off by the time someone returns, they would be shocked. At the end that didn't happen but now I want to come up with a way to explain everything to my parents if such scenario actually happens and I need some help with that (important note is that my parents are pretty religious, not extremists thou). Smartest idea would probably be to just stop cross-dressing but it gives me so much euphoria, can't really give up on that.

Only idea I have for now is just to explain everything, that I'm trans and what that means, but I'm not sure how to do that in a way they would understand. There is probably a better way to go about this, any recommendation or story from personal experience would be useful.

It's once again that glorious time of year where we celebrate the growing acceptance and visibilty of transgender people.

I only sort of fit in here since I'm genderfluid, but your journey of self discovery is important!

Don't take the opinions of transphobes too seriously. Dismantling their arguments is like enjoying a walk through your garden. You've done the hard work. Simply pluck the weeds (bad arguments) that would harm your growth and move on!