That's dope. If your child isn't an asshole then I think you're doing a good job.

Currently, I have supportive parents and I'm staying at home for as long as I feel like it and they're fine with that. They're paying my tuition and after that, I feel like I can pay for my own stuff with a job I get. I don't believe I'm an asshole but who am I to judge.

Completely. Why even thrust a soul into this world if you won't see it through? This world is a demonic world where money is everything, so you'd best be prepared to cough it up.

1. You are a generous and responsible parent.

2. All I can say is that my ex's parents basically didn't do shit for him, and his father was very wealthy and his mother got a positively palatial alimony check in those days, and yet he was left to his own devices for higher education and early adulthood, and it showed up in his adult habits in that he did really spiteful things regarding money because those needs weren't met. I'm sure because you are this supportive your son will feel confident and responsible and be well grounded in life because he didn't have to think about having his needs met, which is the ultimate wound really.

I think it really depends on your financial position. If you have the financial means to make your kids’ lives easier, especially if that means paying for things that will allow them to provide better for themselves and their children later on, I would say that’s a good/kind thing to do. However, if you’re just paying for them to live nice lives at the cost of them learning how to provide for themselves, I would say you’re actually doing them a disservice.

If you don’t have the financial means to provide for them to further extent, I would say it’s entirely reasonable to say, “I got you as far as I could, now you have to take responsibility for your own life as best you can, because I have myself to look after.”

I think the complex parts of the issue actually come up when parents retire and can’t provide for themselves anymore. To what extent are children beholden to their parents to provide for themselves anymore in their senior years? I do think it’s moral for children to care for their parents this way, but if your children aren’t willing to do so, I would certainly ask how you didn’t foster a strong enough relationship with them that they feel so little compassion. Plenty of parents out there provide for their children financially but neglect the actual relationship, such that their children don’t actually care that much about them as adults and don’t feel the need to care for them in their old age.

There a lot more that could be said about this but I think this post is long enough.

That's unfathomable to you because you are in a very privileged position in society. Especially right now the vast majority of people are struggling to take care of themselves let alone an adult child. You must not only be privileged, but completely sheltered from the reality that the majority of people face. You've chosen to live in a high income are and only socialize with high income people. The posts you see online are a small taste of the regular world. Every parent wishes they could help their children as much as you have. But don't be surprised if every time your kid has a huge financial issue that they come to you to solve it, you've taken away pretty much every struggle a young adult typically has to deal with.

WOW! Buying your son a house and a car is extremely generous. Financing his education is beyond kind. I personally would be concerned about your son's ability to manage money once he is on his own. I don't think you're doing him a lot of favors in that department. I think sitting him down and discussing how to budget, what a mortgage is, personal loans, and how credit cards work would go a very long way. Also discussing why you budget and don't live at the edge of your means is important too - too many people who make good money do this and end up in debt forever. My experience when I was 18 was learning to manage money with my parents help came with a lot of life-long lessons. I got a credit card and they didn't just pay it for whatever I put on it. I remember getting in a lot of trouble once for putting restaurant dinners and expensive clothing store purchases on it. After my parents got the bill for the month, we had a long conversation of needs versus wants. I never ran that card up like that again because I was informed that I would be paying it off with my minimum wage job. From then on it was groceries and maybe dinner out once a week. I also had a summer job and lived in an apartment with a roommate. Boy does that give you some perspective on money and struggled of others when parents are not just paying for it all. Adult children should never assume mom and dad are paying if they mess up. Life can change in the blink of an eye, and I personally feel it is important to be as self-sufficient as possible and prepared for the worst financially.

Telling kids to move out at 18 is the equivalent of an adult forcing their senior parents in the worst senior home as soon as they hit 65

Buying them a house seems pretty extreme. A shitty used car and paying for a shitty small studio apartment would've been fine, IMO. Sounds like you are providing luxury rather than just supporting them. Idk if going directly into private practice is advisable or not. People tend to not appreciate things given to them as much as what they feel they've worked for. Not sure what people should do. What you're doing is probably better then just putting your excess resources into financial instruments I suppose. I don't agree with the idea parents should let their kids struggle greatly when they don't have to either.

To answer the question, I think family feels right when you have each other's backs whenever you're able. When you're young, that's your parents or older relatives caring for you, and then when you're older you care for them. It's one thing that other cultures do better than the (modern) West.

The thing is, it's also better if rich and loving parents aren't required to do well, and a long period of prosperity is exactly why families are weak here now. I hope there's a way to have both.

I see many parents online (especially in North America) talking about kids moving out at 18, paying rent to live at home, and covering their own bills, and it honestly shocks me. That feels unfathomable to me. I believe that as parents, we have a duty to give our children a good life since we brought them into this world.

It's definitely one semi-socially acceptable option, although if it's really like "get out now", in another culture I think those same parents would be hitting or constantly insulting their kids. And at the other end of parental love and support nepotism is very much alive.

Out of curiosity, where are you?

You are on the extreme high end of support in my cohort. I know 2 folks getting this treatment. Typical in my cohort (for that age range) is being allowed cheap (or free) housing in the parents home, and some percentage of shared meals. Sometimes car borrowing. Rarely is there enough money for serious tuition support.

If you compute it out, what you are paying is likely more than most couples can reliably have or provide for one kid. In other words, your suggested norms cannot be sustained by the average family.

To the extent that they can, while ensuring that if they have more means than average, the child understands, the whole time growing up, that they are privileged, and they did not work to get these things, and that other people have a much more difficult life.

I think often times people don't do the rest of this, and end up creating monsters.

I don't think its the helping your child part that makes the monster.

It think more often than not the people who go the opposite route of withholding support they could give to their child to their child, they just make a hateful shitty relationship for no reason.

I've always found it bizarre anyone could contort themselves to the point of believing that not helping your child is helping your child when study after study shows that children with assistance in areas like these do better in life significantly.

…you bought him a house? I mean, good for him, but that’s pretty wild. I’m guessing the car probably isn’t an ’05 Toyota Yaris either.

When I was 20, my parents gave me 50 € a week for a few years so I could just barely cover my expenses, since my student financial aid didn’t quite cover rent and living costs. That stopped the moment I got my first job, and I’ve pretty much been on my own ever since. They did help pay a few repair bills on my first car and backed my mortgage, but beyond that, I haven’t gotten any financial help from them.

I honestly think you’re doing him a disservice by helping that much. I don’t think I’d appreciate money the way I do now if I hadn’t had to struggle through those early years. It was reassuring to know my parents were there if something truly catastrophic happened, but I’m grateful they only helped just enough to keep me afloat - and not a bit more.

I feel happy for your child that they were able to begin adult life so incredibly supported. I wish I could do the same for my kids, and I wish the same had been done for me.

I think one big problem with this is some people end up very entitled. They think it's easy to "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" when in reality it's not even possible for most unsupported folks. As long as your kid knows to be humble, that they only got to where they are by the welfare of inheritance, I think what you're doing is great. They shouldn't feel bad or guilty about your help, they just shouldn't judge any choices made by anyone who didn't have the luxury of all that wonderful support.

I worked three jobs in college, and big surprise I burned out and dropped out with big mental health issues. I earned a full ride, but my jobs didn't fully cover my food and rent, so I ended up with loans just to get my AA. No bachelor's degree, and definitely no medical degree. I'm not complaining, just pointing out it's not that I didn't work as hard as your kid, or that I wasn't as smart. I just didn't have the freedom of choice your child was afforded. I congratulate you for offering that to them.

I like the Warren Buffet quote: “Leave your children enough money so they can do anything, but not enough that they don’t have to do anything.”

Pay some of their rent, give them pantry staple foods or specific gift cards - not cash.

I fully agree with you. A person that becomes a parent must realize that it is, in a way, a lifetime thing, and that there is a responsibility to help provide a good life, as much as possible.

This is an interesting position, thanks for sharing.

My parents helped through college, and then I went out on my own. The help was still available, though. In my early 30’s, I moved back in with them because I had taken a job in the town where they lived. It was supposed to be temporary, but they saw that my financial situation needed them to step in, so they offered to let me stay and pay them a small rent (basically to cover bills and food). That was a huge help! 2-years later and I was mostly debt free (only student loans and a small car loan left), and taking a new job further away from them.

Long story short, I think parents should help when they can, and if the situation warrants it. There’s something to be said for letting your kids fail on their own. They learn more than you can teach them that way. But, while it’s good to help them, it’s also important that they recognize the help they’ve received. Knowing that outside help got them where they are is a Good Thing. It helps make them more empathetic to others who maybe don’t have the same support system.

ETA: the student loans were very low interest rate, back when that was a thing.

As much money as the parents can give before the child becomes spoiled and has poor money managing skills. So, with good education and parenting, all the money they need.

As much as the parent wants to.

You made them, you are responsible. It's that easy. If your kids need support at 30, 40, 50 then you should support them.

I have a 22-year-old son. I bought him a house and a car, I pay for his university tuition

I think the tricky part to navigate is how much is too much. The sentence above at first glance, sounds like too much, but I'm willing to acknowledge that just because I could never afford to do all of that for my kids, doesn't necessarily make it too much. Different situations require different amounts of help.

At 22, your kid should be figuring out the world. Studying, working, learning how to pay bills, do their taxes, all the grown up stuff. As long as your kid is learning these skills and will be able to function on their own after graduation, then I don't see any problem with what you've done to help them, but, if you were to stop supporting them and they weren't able to do any of these things on their own, you've essentially "used pay to win and boosted them to max level without letting them play the tutorial."

What did your parents do for you, OP?

I certainly couldn't afford to support my kids that much financially, you must be very well off! But I did always do more for mine in some ways, than my mom did for us (and less in some other ways). My mom did get us cars and covered the insurance, she saved some money for us for school but in K-12 just sent us to bad schools because she thought it was better to not let them get even worse by putting us in private (there were no good state options back then), so I didn't get much in the way of academic education until college. She kicked me out at 17 since I wasn't in high school and not ready for college so I was homeless for awhile. Tough love in some ways, I guess.

I worked to get my kids in better schools K-12, to find a good fit for each kid, and warned them that I wasn't going to be able to do much toward university. So the academically inclined among them got into schools that either did sliding scale, only charged what we could pay, or state schools (the state now covers tuition for high achievers who jump through a few hoops) and lived at home or took loans for their other costs.

I do let them (and their girlfriend or boyfriend actually) live at home until they get on their feet financially, so far that seems to work fine, it's an enormous discount for them not paying rent, so they can save enough to get started.

I cannot get them cars or pay the insurance in this current economy, and couldn't for the first two because the insurance alone would increase monthly cost by $600 and that certainly is not in the budget. My penultimate child pays her own insurance and I let her use my car to go to school, because my office is so close I don't need the car, made her bus before but then she said she'd drop off the high schooler on her way so that worked out.

Basically - my main constraints are financial but I don't think I'd be inclined to provide as much as you have. If I could get them cars I probably would have, though.

It comes down to when is a child an independent adult, doesn’t it?

• In the US you’re legally an adult at 18, and free public school ends about then. If you’re not going to college, maybe you’re an adult
• however this hasn’t changed in many years and really needs to: both that more school should be standard and that most kids that age are not ready to be an adult.
• full time college is a good argument for not being an independent adult, and kids should be fully supported by their parents

I plan to follow what my parents did: everyone goes to college (or trade school or service academy: let’s not get picky but more education will better prepare them for being an adult), and since they’re not independent adults, parents need to support them. I’m doing my best to cover their college expenses, provide a welcoming home when they’re here, basics of modern life like insurance Internet devices and a vehicle, while also trying to plan for a little bump when they need to get their first car and first apartment. That establishes them as independent adults!

It gets a little tougher when they “fail to launch”. Depending on the reasons and the amount of time, it can be a tough call between being their safety net and being their doormat. I can see mutually beneficial arrangements where they live at home, but the key word is “mutual”

It depends on the kid.

I'm one of three adult kids that our still-working parents have.

As someone who has accepted a lot of support from them, I feel extremely motivated to do something useful with that support.

But others might be inclined to freeload, and use that support to put off developing as a person. I think I'm a little guilty of that myself, but even in retrospect it's hard to say whether that stuff was a well-needed break, or just lazyness.

That said, I've kept track of every cent my parents have floated for me, and I've started slowly reducing the number as I'm making enough to sometimes pay for things in their stead.

Obviously the passage of time has changed the value of the currency, and I'm sure my parents don't care whether I "pay them back" as they never considered their support a loan. But it matters to me, and keeping the idea in my head that I have to pay them back, kept me from thinking of their support as "free money" since I always planned on returning it some day.

I also do pay rent. But it's essentially symbolic. It's an agreed upon arrangement, there to remind me that living space isn't free. It's not as though my mom would actually evict me if I genuinely couldn't afford a payment, and if I did get hit with some surprise expense, I know my parents would immediately offer to share the burden.

Basically, we're simulating what life would be like for me without them, but with the security of knowing that they're there for me if needed.

But I also know people my age, where giving them money would be little more valuable than setting it on fire. People who are able to accept charity without it instilling any kind of motivation or inspiration.

Another thing to be careful of, is that financially supporting an adult might make them feel indebted in ways that make them lead miserable lives. If my parents had supported me with the expectation I become a doctor of any kind, combined with my depression, it may well have killed me.

My student years made me miserable, and it took me a long while to recover. But I was lucky enough to have parents that didn't have carreer dreams for me. They only put pressure on to motivate me, when I expressed interest of my own, first.

So I think to a massive extent it's between each parent and kid. Even my siblings don't have identical arrangements with my parents.

I've lived at home with my parents my whole life and I'm 30. I pay for all of my own stuff including food outside the occasional family treat where we all take turns paying for it. My parents don't charge me rent, but view having me pay the Internet bill along with my car insurance (which for some reason is under my dad's name) and getting them sweet teas from the gas station as close enough to paying rent. I never went to any higher education beyond high school, but I can imagine they'd help pay for it or help pay the loan like they did my sisters who are much older than me.

I do have friends whose parents are similar to you. Paying for everything their kid wants when going to college, including their own apartment to stay at and giving them money whenever they need it for groceries or gas. Enough of a regular allowance to also allow them to have some money to spend on random things they could also want like a videogame or trip to the movies. One of them is a few years younger than me and about to finish his computer science degree while not having done any kind of work outside of schoolwork or personal projects since maybe around 2017.

As much as is reasonable, until your kids are able to financially support themselves.

Obviously, not everybody is going to be able to do everything, and many of those that can shouldn't, but if it wasn't for the support I received as an adult, I don't think I would have made it.

That being said, my younger sister got easily three times the amount of financial support that I did, and she's still a shiftless lazy do-nothing loser, so not everybody will actually benefit from it, but if your kids can make it and you can afford it, you should as long as they need it.

A lot of Asian cultures do this, so you aren't wrong :)

When I was in college and got a decent scholarship, but lost it due to reasons beyond my control, my parents paid the entire dues, gave me a vacation to reset.

When I entered the workforce, my mom traveled with me to help find a place for rent and set up my apartment, later my aunt let me stay in her house for almost 5 years.

When I got married, our families (wife's and mine) came together to get furniture, utensils, vehicle etc and helped us move.

When we moved to the US for work, my uncle here and his family took care of us till we were not jet-lagged, helped us shop around, and gave us about $1000 to settle in with no date to pay it back, and even paid our rent for the first month till we could get our bank accounts sorted.

Its amazing that you are doing this for your son! The world would be a better place if more people understood and supported younger generations to flourish.