I took a stand on not wanting to listen to them talk about other people in any way that was malicious or mean spirited, and they lambasted me for it. Said everyone gossips and that I was a hypocrite (and I mean, look at me right now, talking about them to the faceless internet🤦‍♀️).

I do think it's human nature to share news and discuss happenings, and I'm certainly no saint. I just think there's a difference between maliciously tearing people down and telling someone that your friend got an amazing promotion and your proud of them, ya know?

I like your perspective. As an addict in recovery, one of my mantras that I say to myself is, "you're not special!" (In the "you can't sit with us!!" voice from Mean Girls, specifically lol). The first time my partner heard me do that, they tried to correct me and I explained that I understand that I am special to them, and that's lovely. But I'm not special in the sense that the rules do indeed apply to me.

In active addiction, my sense of entitlement was intense, I think many addicts have issues with "terminal uniqueness" tbh. It's helpful for me to routinely check my ego and remind myself that life doesn't owe me shit and science does not care about my feelings lol. Maybe bleak to some but oh so helpful to me.

It feels like a huge amount of effort when I engage. Like a mine field topped with egg shells. I think I got into a pattern of appeasement and maybe waiting for things to get better. I had had such a different idea of who they all were at first, I could be clinging to familiar patterns out of fear of change? Laziness? Avoidant behavior patterns? Probably all of the above lol

I went through a traumatic divorce 5 years ago and they were around to help me pick up the pieces, I guess I feel obligated in some ways. Also, I did get sober this year and they still smoke a lot of weed, it could be clarity on my part, but I also don't want to take that high horse position that sometimes comes with lifestyle changes like that. I appreciate your perspective.

That's a good point

In some situations (not this one from the limited information we have) getting CPS involved is necessary because of the way that the legal system works.

I have to admit, it can be easy to play on my empathy and they are all going through some challenging things. I know that's not an excuse for bad behavior though. It's difficult for me, personally, as I have some fawning behaviors that I'm still working on and one of them can be a bit of a bully.

I do feel a little ridiculous crowd sourcing opinions at my age but the combination of shared history and my impulse to help people (aka codependency issues), inspired me to get outside views. I appreciate the validation btw, and I like the idea of the slow fade. I do worry about the volatility I've seen from one of them so I'm not eager for confrontation (scaredy cat lol).

One of the things that brought me to post was the fact that yesterday, one of them returned from a week's vacation and blew up my phone while I was at work ranting about how terrible everyone treats her etc. I had my phone on silent, cause work, but it was over 40 messages. Just seeing the number of them made my blood pressure spike.

It's obvious I suppose that these are not healthy connections, it's helpful to read it from others somehow. Thank you.

It's funny, my partner said something similar, that it's ok to realize that our ethics no longer align with people in our lives. I just know that I'm far from perfect myself and it felt sanctimonious to me when I first tried to verbalize it.

I do indeed feel anxious about any kind of direct confrontation with at least one of them, which, as I write this, I realize how crazy that is. I shouldn't be afraid of my friends!

sigh

Rule. Number. 1.

It's not that fucking hard to read it.

DAMMIT!

Hi tab! Thanks so much for helping. We are women only so please don't comment again thanks for understanding

He's right because I've been there and made myself the outcast, both in and , getting out of groups like that. The kicker is, I'm rural, without my own personal transportation, so it's been extremely quiet for several years. In that time, I've allowed myself to grieve and heal from really horrific things that happened, before, during and after that. I've come to get to know myself after several physical and mental changes, some of which are due to aging. I've learned to forgive, and that often that's between me and the universe/God, not always with whom I'm forgiving, and I've forgiven myself for not seeing certain patterns for years, or staying in them too long because I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. I've even learned that yes, toxic empathy does exist, and how to avoid it, at least I hope I will put it in practice if I ever find myself around different people, because my neighborhood is still my neighborhood, but I also recognize the traumas that cause these patterns here, now, while also recognizing that I'm also deserving of my compassion, empathy and privacy.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this while also dealing with family illness. I believe you'll treasure the sanity, stillness and self-assurance that will arise, if you give anxiety and self-doubt room to pass through while not fixing on them too long.

This is the first time I've posted anything here in quite some time. Your story moved me because I've been there. Best to you.