EDIT: this in an incredible community! Deep appreciation to everyone below who commented and responded, to LadyButterfly for being instrumental in creating this space, and to everyone who contributes to its safety and support. I'm very touched by the space a group of strangers held for me, thank you all so much, my cup runneth overđź’ž
I understand I could just be going through it, life has been hectic, but I have a small friend group in my immediate area that I've known for about 4 years and recently, I've become increasingly uncomfortable around them.
Two of them are vicious gossips, they love to shit talk everyone in their lives, including each other, without compunction or remorse. They also occasionally engage in shady behavior. Both of them steal from Air BnBs (they'll take a vase or a bottle of room spray etc. nothing of real value, but still...) or try and cheat at things. I never tell them anything personal anymore, I've learned.
The other is making choices in her personal life, which is absolutely her prerogative, however, those choices are having an effect on her two young children. A lot of bringing new partners and people into their lives suddenly and then they disappear again, all on the heels of a recent divorce.
I am not a parent myself, so I feel like I shouldn't really have an opinion, and maybe I'm just being judgemental. For the record, I have zero issue with her having however many partners she wants to have, and under whatever circumstances, provided all parties are consenting. It just bothers me that folks she met online are coming to her house with the girls being there after only 3 or 4 dates....and there's some drinking and smoking weed involved as well.
Again, zero issue with folks who indulge, I'm sober now but I've definitely had my fun in the past and I'm no innocent. I just never got wasted around kids...
The thing is, I feel like an asshole, even just writing it out above. Who the hell am I to judge them? I'm no better than anyone else. But still, I don't trust two of them, and feel like I can't respond to the other one's questions and texts of tinder profiles etc. honestly without deeply offending her.
On the other hand, I can literally feel my pulse race and anxiety tick up when any of them reach out recently. I have a crazy impulse to just focus on my job and partner and break up with all of them. I have other long term friends that I'm very close to, but we live far away from each other. Those friendships are all comfortable and I trust them completely and can always be myself with them. We stay in touch via tech and see each other when we can, maybe once a year.
Am I being crazy? My mother is ill and I've had some grief and loss this year, so there's been some stress. At the same time, I'm eating healthy, sleeping well, exercising, and getting along well with my partner. Also keeping up with hobbies and self-care and climbing the ladder at work so I don't think it's depression.
Am I insufferable? Lay it on me, ladies.
It's not ridiculous to ask for outside views, I mean, there's a reason advice columns were so popular for so long. And you have a really healthy reason for doing so. You're also not a scaredy cat; there's enough history with that person for alarm bells to ring, you're looking to keep yourself safe.
I'm going through a similar situation where I realized I didn't have any good feelings or thoughts after speaking or seeing a friend, and I absolutely had to walk on eggshells around her. I can look at her life and see that it's trauma driven, but she has enough self awareness and resources to overcome it. But she won't, and I don't deserve to be the recipient of her anger at other people or her own misery. You deserve to have empathy for yourself, too
Wow, your second paragraph resonates with me so much. I absolutely see how trauma informs a lot of their behaviors and I think the second part of your sentence around that is very insightful. Our mental health struggles aren't our fault, but they are our responsibility, so to speak.
It's important to me that the people I care about feel safe with me and I enjoy holding space for people. I think sometimes, when I don't keep my boundaries, that space I try to hold can inspire general trauma dumping. One of them has so much hurt and anger but, you're right, it's not my job to process it for her. I still think I'm a bit of a coward lol but I do agree that prioritizing my own safety is important.