[Relationship advice] How do I stop feeling distraught after I set up a whole situation for me and got disappointed when things went not as expected? (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 2 days ago by immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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Argh. Alright sounds very dumb but here am I seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.

So, I have this girl who is my online-only friend who I've been chatting with for almost 4 years now. We gotten really close and too close to call her just a friend. She termed that we might be in a situationship. My knowledge regarding relationships is 0 as I have no prior experience in relationships. So I'm learning as we go.

I'm enjoying so much of her presence with me chatting online that I think I am not doing any rational thinking, like, putting off stuff just to catch her online to chat and bunch of other stuff. I have recognised this having adverse effects on me so I've started to prioritise things this week due to which I have gotten very less time chatting her.

Today, being the weekend I wanted to spend all evening chatting with her with no limits on my schedule as it is a weekend. I have set these crazy expectations of just spending all evening with her doing nothing but chatting.

But to my disappointment, she replied late and turns out that she was out somewhere attending a party of her friend. I just told her to enjoy the night and acted nonchalantly. But insidesl, there is this huge disappointment that was crushing me.

I have started to think some very bad stuff like:

that I should just let people be and enjoy being alone
depending on people always leads to disappointments
expectations should be curbed and always have low expectations about everything
being alone is the best way to treat yourself
stay away from people and indulge in alone entertainment like watching web series or movies at home

I know, very dumb of me to think of these things but on the other hand these stuff brings some sort of solace to my distraught mind.

Also as I have been learning about myself a lot since I've gotten close to her, I have identified myself being cynical, toxic(we always fight and patch up, not sure if it's toxic I'm still learning), jealous and showing signs of limerence with anxiously attached relationship traits. Crazy package I know but I'm willing to get better and I feel the first step is recognising my bad behaviours. This is why I'm here seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.

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[-] Cataphract@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 day ago

All I can say is, you'll still have those feelings even in a long-term after 15 years together. It's the "grass is always greener" kinda thinking. You're feelings aren't invalid, but the expectations sometimes doesn't come from reality and instead from media. We have such a screwed up view of what a relationship is "supposed to be" because of the shows and conversations we consume. Try to avoid romcoms/etc while getting your head cleared up a bit (anime's are also bad about unrealistic relationship expectations).

The reality is you're just two people trying to learn how to live together (either online or off), just be open and communicate properly. Saying, "Hey, I've been falling behind on my responsibilities and I have to focus on some stuff for the next few days" probably would've been a good heads up. She might've went to the party to distract herself from wanting to hear from you, maybe a response from not hearing from you, or maybe it's something completely different and just wanting to experience life. Just work on communicating and excepting feedback/learning their position. That will go forward with you regardless of any outcome and will be a way to work on things.

[-] klemptor@startrek.website 10 points 1 day ago

First of all, it's great that you recognize unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in yourself. That's a great first step!

That said, a few thoughts:

You're not ready for a relationship - and I don't say this to be mean, but you seem too immature for a relationship, especially one with the added challenges of being long-distance.
Based on your responses to other comments, she is also too immature for a relationship.
You created what's called a 'covert contract' - meaning you had unspoken expectations which is almost a guarantee that the other person will let you down because you didn't communicate with them. Unless both of you agree to plans, you don't have plans.
I think you need to shift your main source of socializing from the internet to IRL. The internet is great and everything but it's not the same a real life, and I worry that too much internet socializing can stunt your real life social skills, making it harder to connect with people down the road.

You sound pretty young so I'm assuming some of this is just young kid angst and will smooth out over time. Good luck!

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

I agree that I am immature as other people have identified too here. But how do I get matured? Go outside? Form friendships? Honestly atp of life, making friends seems hard and sadly I'm not that young. I have finished my studies. Guess I'm one immature adult but hoping to be a better version in the future.

Thanks for the advice.

[-] theparadox@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

This is maybe not what some would consider great advice but "you aren't ready for a relationship" isn't really fair. As you said:

But how do I get matured?

For me, a vital part of growing as a person has been experiencing the messiness of life. Failing and learning.

I've known the situation you described - planning things with someone you have a real interest in, someone who seemed interested in spending time with you. Placing high importance on the event in your mind only to have the event fall apart because it wasn't a priority for them. Feeling upset and even jealous. I told her I was upset that she blew me off. It did not go well and she lost interest. That's not to say this will happen to you, but my experience helped teach me to regulate my interest and my expectations because I didn't want that to happen again. I also became more mature.

Yes, you should try to find a few friends if you don't have any. Making new ones is hard but it's important. I'm not exactly neutotypical and socializing is not something I enjoy most of the time. Still, it's something that has been valuable to me. It's kind of like a lower stakes relationship. You like them and care about them - you want to be helpful, do right by them, etc. If you feel clueless about interpersonal relationships you should make friends.

When my previous long-term relationship ended, she was very social and her friend group had become my friend group. I'd only had a few of my own friends and they had moved away or we'd been growing apart. When things ended, I needed to find new friends so I know how hard it can be. I recommend you find something you enjoy, offline if you can, and do that thing with people who also like to do that thing. For me it was board games, video games, TTRPGs, climbing, and hiking. I don't love all those things but I can get enough enjoyment out of them for it to be worth expending the social energy maybe twice a week, if I had the energy for it. Eventually, after doing this for a few years (while I was in my mid 30s), I found a few people I got along with pretty well. They are now my friends. As a plus, doing things with them is less socially draining and keeps me socially active to a degree.

Regarding romantic relationships, you'll need be the judge of whether or not you are ready. I think it's fair to give it a try as long as you can handle failure in a healthy way and don't have abusive tendencies. Obviously, every single one of my past relationships didn't work out and I don't think there was a single one of them where I could not have done better. They fucking hurt like hell but that pain taught me a lot about relationships and about myself. It felt like the end of the world, but it wasn't. No amount of advice or self reflection would have taught me those important lessons without the experience and the pain of losing the love of someone I cared so much about. As long as you can learn from your failure - forge yourself into a better person - I think you can be ready.

I've been in a romantic relationship now for several years. My previous relationship was longer but like all of my other relationships, the failure and lessons learned helped me to recognize and improve on some of my flaws. It also helped me to to better understand and communicate my own needs and priorities. It all helped to create a healthier foundation for my current relationship.

[-] roofuskit@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Most people are a lot less mature than they think until they hit about 30. Find a hobby or activity that gets you out of the house and interacting with other people.

[-] Zak@lemmy.world 29 points 2 days ago

To keep it concise, if it's important to you that another person engage in a specific activity with you, making a plan with the other person will save you disappointment.

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 day ago

Very true. It was just so stupid of me to assume she would be free. Usually she is, but I should've asked her anyway. My bad totally.

[-] spankmonkey@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Today, being the weekend I wanted to spend all evening chatting with her with no limits on my schedule as it is a weekend. I have set these crazy expectations of just spending all evening with her doing nothing but chatting.

Expectations are not plans, and you are correct it was crazy to expect a whole evening without making plans. You can't hold something against someone if they don't know what you are expecting.

If you communicated and she chose to go out instead, be ready to either accept that or not as well. It will happen occasionally, even with planning, it just comes down ro how often it happens and your expectations for how often is too often.

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 day ago

Agree. I'll make sure to plan before and then have expectations set. Thanks.

[-] Arkouda@lemmy.ca 16 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I say this with the express purpose to "Knock some sense into you", and in no way intend this to be offensive to you:

You are not ready for a relationship. That is clear from your behavior, and emotional state. You need help if you have reached this point in life, and have no understanding that you aren't the center of the universe. This is clear because you "allow" yourself to disconnect from them when you need time, and lose it when they have time with others.

This is an incredibly toxic way of being, and you should not "work on yourself" in the course of a relationship knowing how unstable your emotions are, and how immature your thinking process' are.

All of that to say:

Yes, you should prioritize being alone right now. Not isolated, but single. Have friends, don't pursue romantic relationships.
Find hobbies you enjoy and get good at them. Read books. Make yourself a person who you like to be around.
Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. This is important. Ask for help dealing with these emotions and thoughts. If no one in your life can do it, seek a counselor. They can help you gain the skills needed to deal with your thoughts and emotions.

When you are done working on yourself, and you are able to be comfortable being alone, then you can start thinking about romantic relationships.

Right now this situation is not good for you or her, and it is best to hit the brakes and get yourself together first.

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 days ago

Thanks for the detailed write-up. And you are spot-on I believe. I agree with almost all of the points and funny how I didn't realise how hypocritical I was.

But few things I want to clear here. Yes, I was sad about things not going my way but I didn't express these to her nor blamed her for ruining my evening or something. I just let her go. I only came here, trying to understand why I felt that way and what I can do about it. That's it.

And true, I am not ready for relationship and I often feel I don't have any personality at all. Low self-esteem and insecure are some other things I have identified in me, which I forgot to mention in my post. And having these qualities has made me push my friends away. I currently have 0 irl friends, and sad part is she is my only friend I have rn with whom I can open about everything. There are people who are in touch with me as friends but I am not very open to them at all and I really can't gel with them.

[-] Trail@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

In that case, she might sound like a person you could discuss this side of yourself and maybe get some help or perspective from. You will lose the romantic outlook, most likely (or at least should, if you honesty want to understand and improve yourself) but then again that's probably for the best.

You can't really form a proper relationship with someone so far away that you have never met. You are probably interested in her because at the moment she is your only available avenue. Not because she is the one for you.

So in my opinion, if you trust her and can discuss anything with her, try to discuss your romantic situation with her, ask her to use her to understand yourself, then do the harder step and move to try to form healthy IRL relationships with people, eventually naturally leading to a romantic relationship. Not out of desperation, but out of real interest.

It seems hard because you need to change meaningful things about yourself and your mentality. But I would say it is more scary than hard. You need to get out of your current comfort zone, but you don't need to do actually hard things.

It will take time. But if you can make it, it will last. I have been in kinda similar situation in the past, but am now miles ahead from where I was standing and very happy.

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 day ago

Thanks for your advice. You being in same situation as me in the past gives me hope. I'll to go out more and sed how it goes.

[-] HuntressHimbo@lemmy.zip 11 points 2 days ago

Do you have ADHD? The feelings you are describing might be rejection sensitive dysphoria. Learning how to handle those feelings will serve you really well in the future

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

A lot of times I have posted on Internet especially on lemmy about my problems, people have identified that I might have ADHD. So yeah, I think, at this point I have ADHD. I'll look for ways to deal with it. Thanks.

[-] toiletobserver@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

[-] SassyRamen@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

This might sounds stupid and maybe you'll call me a boomer, but why don't you log some time in the real world? I used to have issues like this some 20 years ago. The thing that helped me was going out and trying new things away from the internet and aol messenger.

Have you guys tried video calling?

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 days ago

why don't you log some time in the real world?

I am assuming with "you" here you are calling us both to spend some time irl? Thats just very out of reach for us as we are very long distance from eachother, not sure if we both meet eachother at all in our lives :/

Video calls No, we haven't and we don't see a reason in doing so. We both are introverts and we prefer chatting over calls. But she did shwo her interest in making calls for fun at one point but we forgot about it later on. We did exchange our pics, so yeah.

And regarding me touching grass, oh yeah that's some area I need to improve upon too.

[-] immathrowawayig@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 days ago

Throwaway account btw as I don't like to post personal stuff from my main account. Hope you all understand. Cheers.

this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2025

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