Argh. Alright sounds very dumb but here am I seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.
So, I have this girl who is my online-only friend who I've been chatting with for almost 4 years now. We gotten really close and too close to call her just a friend. She termed that we might be in a situationship. My knowledge regarding relationships is 0 as I have no prior experience in relationships. So I'm learning as we go.
I'm enjoying so much of her presence with me chatting online that I think I am not doing any rational thinking, like, putting off stuff just to catch her online to chat and bunch of other stuff. I have recognised this having adverse effects on me so I've started to prioritise things this week due to which I have gotten very less time chatting her.
Today, being the weekend I wanted to spend all evening chatting with her with no limits on my schedule as it is a weekend. I have set these crazy expectations of just spending all evening with her doing nothing but chatting.
But to my disappointment, she replied late and turns out that she was out somewhere attending a party of her friend. I just told her to enjoy the night and acted nonchalantly. But insidesl, there is this huge disappointment that was crushing me.
I have started to think some very bad stuff like:
- that I should just let people be and enjoy being alone
- depending on people always leads to disappointments
- expectations should be curbed and always have low expectations about everything
- being alone is the best way to treat yourself
- stay away from people and indulge in alone entertainment like watching web series or movies at home
I know, very dumb of me to think of these things but on the other hand these stuff brings some sort of solace to my distraught mind.
Also as I have been learning about myself a lot since I've gotten close to her, I have identified myself being cynical, toxic(we always fight and patch up, not sure if it's toxic I'm still learning), jealous and showing signs of limerence with anxiously attached relationship traits. Crazy package I know but I'm willing to get better and I feel the first step is recognising my bad behaviours. This is why I'm here seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.
All I can say is, you'll still have those feelings even in a long-term after 15 years together. It's the "grass is always greener" kinda thinking. You're feelings aren't invalid, but the expectations sometimes doesn't come from reality and instead from media. We have such a screwed up view of what a relationship is "supposed to be" because of the shows and conversations we consume. Try to avoid romcoms/etc while getting your head cleared up a bit (anime's are also bad about unrealistic relationship expectations).
The reality is you're just two people trying to learn how to live together (either online or off), just be open and communicate properly. Saying, "Hey, I've been falling behind on my responsibilities and I have to focus on some stuff for the next few days" probably would've been a good heads up. She might've went to the party to distract herself from wanting to hear from you, maybe a response from not hearing from you, or maybe it's something completely different and just wanting to experience life. Just work on communicating and excepting feedback/learning their position. That will go forward with you regardless of any outcome and will be a way to work on things.