"Jesus... when you say 'get me off this fucking cross, so help me God'... is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?"

( More ranting and screaming and moaning )

The disciples nod wisely at their leader's self-sacrifice for... their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they've already eaten him or something.

The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour's last words: "Guys, please, I'm not fucking around, get me down, please, I'm so fucking thirsty.... Jesus fucking christ"

In response to calling a prophet bald:

"So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24

This is the real way to turn the other cheek

What

I suddenly feel enlightened.

A monkey was in a tree above a river and plunged into it. He came out with a fish and scurried up a tree. Once safe in its branches he said to the fish, "Holy shit, good thing I was here. You were about to drown!"

Intention without awareness can be harmful.

Another one is the two monks.

Two monks are traveling. Their sect of Buddhism doesn't allow them to touch women. They came across a river and when they crossed it they saw a woman who capsized her canoe. The elder Monk swam to the woman and helped her to the shore. She hurt her leg so he carried her to the rest of her party.

Once they were traveling again, the younger monk continued to badger the elder Monk on why he thought it was okay to touch that woman. The elder Monk said, "I am no longer carrying that woman. Why do you insist on continuing to carry her?"

Highly regarded indeed.

The monk pays with a twenty, which the vendor pockets.

"Where's my change?"

"Change comes from within."

That's Hinduism, not Buddhism.

I am enlightened.

I think it's more about attachment. We suffer because we get attached to feelings, desire, etc. When we should realize, those, along with most things, are ephemeral, or "not real". I don't think it is that Buddhist can't have desire or are indifferent, but that they strive for lack of attachment. That's probably a gross oversimplification and, like most religions, there are many different sects.

Lack of desire is a metaphysical control of your realm, essentially by not wanting, you cannot truly be hurt.

The physical path is about actualizing your body through routine use. Meditation for example usually had physical exercise as that allows your breathing to take a dominant part in your brain, regardless of thoughts.

One of the coolest ways of mastering the metaphysical realm is through imagination, as some buddhist sects just imagine a holy land.

Anyways, he'd probably dislike a meat supreme.

Ryokan, a Zen master, lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to discover there was nothing to steal.

Ryokan returned and caught him. "You have come a long way to visit me," he told the prowler, "and you should not return empty-handed. Please take my clothes as a gift."

The thief was bewildered. He took the clothes and slunk away.

Ryoken sat naked, watching the moon. "Poor fellow," he mused, "I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon."

Late to the party, and no offence to buddhism, but i always loved this quote from Terry Pratchett

“Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?"

Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: "A fish!"

And Clodpool went away, satisfied.” ― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

(copies the quote from https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/46982-thief-of-time?page=2 but i'm rather sure its correct, so i didn't check my copy).

That's like saying, "I used to be a fan of pizza until I had one in Altoona, PA."

There's better pizza out there.

I kinda lost my interest in Buddhism when I learnt that according to traditional Buddhist lore, women can't reach Nirvana.
When they've collected enough good karma, they are reborn as a man.

A classic cult tactic tbh. Convince people that they can divine meaning from random nonsense and they'll convince themselves that they are more enlightened and above those around them who don't understand.

Out of curiosity, which Buddhist tradition was this temple out of? I've had similar experience, but I get the feeling like Buddhist thought might be about as diverse as Christian.

I think I figured out why Bodhisattvas went extinct.

Upon seeing the blood stained clothes, the disciple said 'Hey I was hungry, too! Fucking weirdo.'

The disciple was named Colonel Sanders and this was his inspiration to invent the hamberder and never be hungry again.