This is messy, contradicting, and wrong.
My best friend, who I will call Grace, is an amazing woman. She is caring, fiercely independent, and protective of those she loves. Breathtakingly beautiful, both inside and out. We all have our flaws, and I know hers and accept them as they are. We’ve been like sisters for 5 years now. Grace is a cis woman, and I am a trans woman.
She is in the process of leaving her husband of 20 years, which has been a long time coming. He’s a good man, but a shit husband to her. I’ve been there for her throughout this entire difficult period of her life. Nobody knows her like I do.
I date men exclusively, as does she. Women just don’t have the right…equipment for me. I do like and prefer only the male anatomy, or so I thought. But she is something special. All that said, I think I might be falling in love with her.
Grace is in such a vulnerable place right now. She just wants to be happy. I just want to see her smile, hear her goofy laugh. We have some of the best times together. We laugh and cry together. She’s been there for me in my darkest times, and I hers. We tell each other that we love each other, though for her I’m sure it is platonic. I don’t want to ruin any of this by telling her “I think I love you”.
I don’t think that I would be “enough” for her. I just don’t think she sees me that way. I live an hour away from her. I visit her as often as I can, which is usually on the weekends. We talk on the phone often, especially now with her going through the beginning stages of a divorce. Besides my son (who is my number 1), she is the person I care about most in this life. We send each other IG reels about how much we care about each other, as best friends. She told me she cried yesterday when I sent her a couple of pick me ups.
I’d be anything or anyone I needed to be to be with her. I’m not sure that we are sexually compatible, but that doesn’t matter so much to me, as I have almost no libido. Yes she is stunning, a 10/10 on any metric, but that’s not why I love her. I love her smile. I love her ability to turn anything into a positive and to encourage those around her to do the same. I could go on and on about the things about her that make me smile.
I’ve thought about it, and I think I would even de-transition if that’s what it would take for her to be with me. This is not something I take lightly, as transitioning was the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever done. But if I did de-transition, I’d be afraid that she would think that this was all a lie just to get with her. I’m deathly afraid of losing her as my best friend, so I say nothing.
There was one time, maybe a year or so ago, when I was plastered, that I told her brother that I thought I loved her. He told me to stop talking, so I did. I pulled him aside a week or so later and did my best to convince him that I was just confused and that I didn’t actually like her like that. But I don’t think I am confused anymore. I feel like I see clearly, and it is tearing me apart. I’m fine loving from afar, as just having her in my life is enough for me. I tell her I gave up on dating, but that’s not the whole truth. I gave up on dating because there is no one else I can see myself with but her. All I want is for her to say “I think I love you too”. But I don’t think she does.
I really wish I didn’t love her like that. It would be so much easier to hear about the attention she receives from guys at the gym or socially. But I am happy to carry on as her best friend, if that means I have her in my life.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I do know what to do: remain her closest confidant and be happy for that.
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need someone, somewhere to know this. This one sided love is enough for me I guess.
Help
ETA: I can’t help but feel like I am betraying her by feeling the way I do. I feel like a liar.
ETA, Again: Just to be clear, I would never take advantage of her current situation in an attempt to get with her. That would be gross and creepy. I have too much respect for her to even entertain the idea. She is my best friend, after all. Even though I feel the way I do, I would never do such a sleazy thing.
Thank you all for your thoughtful, and at times, blunt responses. They have helped me confirm that confessing is not the way.
Please keep them coming, I appreciate the perspective.
Honestly, I think just typing this out to internet strangers has been cathartic, as I don’t have anyone in my life to share this with that would not get around back to her. Sharing this deeply personal situation I am in has helped me think about it in ways that I really had not thought of before.
Oof. As someone that used to fall in 'love' hard, and usually with the wrong people, I'm not sure that I even have decent advice here but I sure as hell identify and commiserate.
Seems you've already come to this conclusion yourself but I would definitely not say anything right now. Even if it's totally innocent on your part, besides the fact that she's already in a vulnerable state, it could also be seen as opportunistic and like you've been 'waiting your turn' all this time.
I definitely recognise the signs of spiralling out here though. She's consuming your thoughts and twisting you up inside and making you write long posts describing the depth of your feelings. You're even considering giving up your identity. And in this state, you don't think clearly or always make the best decisions. To me it felt like what I imagine being bipolar must feel like. So I wish you the best of luck keeping your head in this situation. Especially considering that now would probably be the worst time to take a break in your friendship because she probably needs the shoulder to cry on now now then ever.
I know it's easier said than done but I would suggest trying to reprogram your thought patterns right now. Introduce a second voice in your head that tells you to snap out of it every time you start daydreaming about her. Maybe there's possibilities in the future but now it's the worst possible time for this and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.
Also, I give this advice to everyone because it's what worked for me, but try to find something to keep you busy and distracted in the in between times when you're not talking to her. Like start a Skyrim run or Stardew Valley run. Something that demands all of your attention and makes the hours fall away like they're minutes. Or even a series to binge.
Lastly, this is probably unnecessary but as someone who always felt too strongly and intensely, at this point I would like to try and practise relationship anarchy moving forward. It's a concept that actually comes from polyamorous circles but as someone that isn't polyamorous, I think that there are some valuable concepts and ideas in there that can apply to all relationships, whether they're friendships or something more. And I think that they're ideas that can be valuable to introduce into your thought process. At least just to keep reminding yourself that we're all individuals going through our own shit and battling our own demons. And that no one owes you anything (and vice versa).
Maybe the best course of action here would be just to let her come to you if it's meant to be. And then that way, you won't have to feel like a bad person here or feel like you need to do something drastic like detransition. If you make the move, you'll always feel off about it because of the circumstances. And if you detransition, you're no longer being the best version of you that you could be anymore and might even grow bitter and resentful about it.
And sorry for the essay. Half of this is probably just me projecting my own shit because I see myself 10 years ago in this post.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response!
I think you are right. I would never want to jeopardize our friendship by confessing to her. She is her own person, and maybe one day she will surprise me in the best way, but I’m not counting on it.
In the end, our current relationship, as best friends, means so much to me that I could not bear losing her.
The responses have helped confirm to me that keeping this to myself is the best course of action.
Even though this does hurt, I’d rather feel this way than wish I did not irrevocably change our friendship.