This is messy, contradicting, and wrong.
My best friend, who I will call Grace, is an amazing woman. She is caring, fiercely independent, and protective of those she loves. Breathtakingly beautiful, both inside and out. We all have our flaws, and I know hers and accept them as they are. We’ve been like sisters for 5 years now. Grace is a cis woman, and I am a trans woman.
She is in the process of leaving her husband of 20 years, which has been a long time coming. He’s a good man, but a shit husband to her. I’ve been there for her throughout this entire difficult period of her life. Nobody knows her like I do.
I date men exclusively, as does she. Women just don’t have the right…equipment for me. I do like and prefer only the male anatomy, or so I thought. But she is something special. All that said, I think I might be falling in love with her.
Grace is in such a vulnerable place right now. She just wants to be happy. I just want to see her smile, hear her goofy laugh. We have some of the best times together. We laugh and cry together. She’s been there for me in my darkest times, and I hers. We tell each other that we love each other, though for her I’m sure it is platonic. I don’t want to ruin any of this by telling her “I think I love you”.
I don’t think that I would be “enough” for her. I just don’t think she sees me that way. I live an hour away from her. I visit her as often as I can, which is usually on the weekends. We talk on the phone often, especially now with her going through the beginning stages of a divorce. Besides my son (who is my number 1), she is the person I care about most in this life. We send each other IG reels about how much we care about each other, as best friends. She told me she cried yesterday when I sent her a couple of pick me ups.
I’d be anything or anyone I needed to be to be with her. I’m not sure that we are sexually compatible, but that doesn’t matter so much to me, as I have almost no libido. Yes she is stunning, a 10/10 on any metric, but that’s not why I love her. I love her smile. I love her ability to turn anything into a positive and to encourage those around her to do the same. I could go on and on about the things about her that make me smile.
I’ve thought about it, and I think I would even de-transition if that’s what it would take for her to be with me. This is not something I take lightly, as transitioning was the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever done. But if I did de-transition, I’d be afraid that she would think that this was all a lie just to get with her. I’m deathly afraid of losing her as my best friend, so I say nothing.
There was one time, maybe a year or so ago, when I was plastered, that I told her brother that I thought I loved her. He told me to stop talking, so I did. I pulled him aside a week or so later and did my best to convince him that I was just confused and that I didn’t actually like her like that. But I don’t think I am confused anymore. I feel like I see clearly, and it is tearing me apart. I’m fine loving from afar, as just having her in my life is enough for me. I tell her I gave up on dating, but that’s not the whole truth. I gave up on dating because there is no one else I can see myself with but her. All I want is for her to say “I think I love you too”. But I don’t think she does.
I really wish I didn’t love her like that. It would be so much easier to hear about the attention she receives from guys at the gym or socially. But I am happy to carry on as her best friend, if that means I have her in my life.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I do know what to do: remain her closest confidant and be happy for that.
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need someone, somewhere to know this. This one sided love is enough for me I guess.
Help
ETA: I can’t help but feel like I am betraying her by feeling the way I do. I feel like a liar.
ETA, Again: Just to be clear, I would never take advantage of her current situation in an attempt to get with her. That would be gross and creepy. I have too much respect for her to even entertain the idea. She is my best friend, after all. Even though I feel the way I do, I would never do such a sleazy thing.
Thank you all for your thoughtful, and at times, blunt responses. They have helped me confirm that confessing is not the way.
Please keep them coming, I appreciate the perspective.
Honestly, I think just typing this out to internet strangers has been cathartic, as I don’t have anyone in my life to share this with that would not get around back to her. Sharing this deeply personal situation I am in has helped me think about it in ways that I really had not thought of before.
She's definitely not ready yet, I wouldn't even touch this for like, a year+. I also wouldn't try and detransition here or really change who you are artificially to improve things, as it comes off as rather forced.
That being said, you only live once, and it's a shame when you both actually like each other, and never screw up the courage to tell one another. It's how I missed out on a great relationship with someone, and it always fills me with regret that both of us were too shy to ever ask each other until way later.
For what it's worth, one of my best friends came out to me, by telling me that he had a crush on me. At the time, I thought I was straight, and honestly, we just weren't compatible from a relationship standpoint. But, we remained close friends, and that admission didn't harm our relationship. While his feelings were a bit bruised, and he was sad, we got past that together. Eventually, I ended up introducing him to another friend of mine, and they are still together nearly a decade later. :)
When I struggled with coming out as bi, he was part of my close friends circle that I relied on during a vulnerable moment in my life. And I'll always be grateful to my friends for that.
Your friendship may be different, but I think close friends can be trusted with emotional vulnerability. Just don't press it if she isn't interested, of course. Everyone is wired differently!
Thank you for your kind words. I really don’t think I’ll ever tell her. I already think that I’m not worthy of love, so why would I be worthy of her’s?