I lived in a dorm with private rooms, but social kitchen. When I stayed in my room I felt bad, since I could be in the kitchen socialising with other people.

When I moved out of the dorm to my own apartment I completely stopped agonising about having to spend time with people, and could just relax alone at home. It was a great relief.

i have declined an invitation to attend a family reunion this weekend, a function i have previously attended for years.

i am already feeling the FOMO and boredom and disappointment of relatives. but on the other hand, i am honoring my commitment to my mental health.

.... going down both sides of this cycle, and I damned reunion hasn't even started yet.

There was a party?

This hits way too close to home, so many times I'll go out and feel anxious the entire time despite being around old friends or family

Almost feels like I'm observing the event because my mind is in such a whirlwind that even though I'm participating in conversation, I'm somehow detached and almost uninvested because I can't actually enjoy the moment even though I desperately want to relax and feel good around the people I know and love.

too real ._.

Dealing with the duality of wanting to spend time with the people I like and wanting to be alone is such a struggle. Everyone knows I have anxiety, I'm very open about so if I'm ready to leave I just do. For me if feels like there is so much noise in my head that I start feeling panicked.

For me, there is grief in having to explain to others why I don't want to go.

I feel attacked