When you admit you need help as youโre struggling but get shamed and invalidated. Iโll just go back to hiding inside my head. Reasons why I isolate myself.
Are you ok?
Went to the aquarium yesterday, and saw this dickhead:
how does he eat?
every time i get Minimum Sleep for Proper Function the DT collectively gets weird dreams
there must be a causation somewhere
YOU. YOU NEED TO START SLEEPING PROPERLY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THESE WEIRD DREAMS ANYMORE.
I just got my electricity bill and thought there was a mistake because it was so low - apparently I got a $90 credit for a long power outage. It's nice to get a win.
Soooo I just got woken up by a bloke shining a torch in my fucking face. There's cops in my house. At 1am. AGAIN
Seriously.. this new kid... Nothing but trouble. Wtf
[They were looking for him, and I guess nobody told this worker which bedroom is his]
Damn you almost need a sign on your door... "He's that way --->"
I swear all the idiots need to go off to an island and live with each other if they want trouble so much
Funny you say that, because after realising he had the wrong room, he closed the door and then started opening all the vacant rooms, including my spare room. I opened my door and pointed and said "he's down there dude"
Strange but relevant dream...
I dreamt that I was resting against someone I barely know (I met her at some environmental workshop many many years ago and never stayed in touch beyond seeing her fb posts, but she is gentle and soft spoken, so acted like some kind of vaguely familiar avatar)
We were seated on a shaded amphitheatre near a sunlit park, watching the breeze rustle the trees and far off-people ambling along the paths, kids playing on the grass, still water reflecting a blue sky, the hint of a guitar strummed in the distance... some tan-coloured bulldogs were also prowling outside the amphitheatre, but ornate wrought iron black gates around the periphery prevented them from coming in. They were quiet and observant.
After a while, the person asked me softly whether I've rested well and why, and I started going on about how I'm so tired, but it's been hard to sleep on holiday because of the feeling that something always needs to be organised, and I've never felt like I had enough time to just allow myself to completely relax into the space. In saying that, I felt a pang of sadness knowing that it was sunny, so I had to be on a holiday.
"At this rate you'll never have time," the avatar said, "there's always something that needs doing next, for as long as you're alive."
"But this time was a lot easier," I replied, "maybe because you were there and I felt like you were in such a state of peace and calm yourself, that I had the permission to rest as well. Or maybe it's this place, because it's not real," and I looked at the dogs warily as one sat itself a short distance from us behind the gate and started a quiet, low growl.
"Although it would be nice if those dogs weren't here," I added. "Are they yours? Normally I'd be on edge with these dogs around, but it was so comfortable and serene earlier that I felt transported to my childhood years. I would've loved it to continue."
The avatar said nothing but smiled sweetly. It was too good to be true, I knew it. The growling started getting louder and was breaking my immersion; I had to show her that I wouldn't be safe once I left her little sacred area, so I turned around and leaned over a step to reach my water bottle...
... and almost immediately, I felt the angry breath of a bulldog on my neck as its teeth sank into my jugular, its snarling abruptly loud, right next to my ear. My entire being went limp in surrender except to notice from the corner of my eye that the avatar was still smiling blissfully onto the Elysium beyond, as if I were invisible.
I could feel myself fading fast even as adrenaline coursed through my veins, so I summoned what energy I could to let out a weak yelp...
...which translated to real life, and I woke up.
I guess that was trying to tell me something...
There's a lot to unpack there, wow! What a beautiful piece of writing though, nicely done!
Came here to say the same thing about how well written that was - time for you to write a short story I think! =)
Seeing that sleep is today's topic...
Out the front of my place there's a part of the road that dips quickly outside my bedroom. Been getting worse recently.
People fang it up and down that road and gets pretty busy at around 5am (for some reason the last few months has been crazy for a residential street). When it's a tradie with unsecured metal shit in the tray / trailer it makes an immense noise bouncing around so 5am is my new wake up time.
I think people are realising it's a short cut to avoid the nearby junction.
Once that first clang hits, it's game over. Counted 11 clangs today before 8am.
I'm in the process of writing up a care agreement for my mother's future (short version: Mum gives me house now, I take care of everything the house equity would have provided). It's a lot like drafting a pre-nup, except instead of dividing up a house you haven't bought yet and deciding custody of children that haven't been born it's all "what happens if Mum gets dementia" or "what happens if I get sick and need support too" type issues. Combined with reading lots of sobering stories about what can go wrong in caregiving and these sorts of agreements it's a bit confronting. I have just signed myself up for a fairly expensive trauma/illness insurance policy, which also has a sobering list of all sorts of terrible things that could befall me in the future.
The whole process has also made me realise something - our society's approach to aging is horribly broken. So many of the problems that happen with elderly people relate to a combination of abhorrence of the idea of aging leading to people not wanting to think/talk about options and a devaluing of carers so the job often gets foisted on vulnerable people who are often ill equipped to do the job and often exploited horribly. Add in our reverence for individual choice to be respected (which means people can lose capacity to make good decisions and no one has the power to do anything about it - refer to "scams")
Just the way we generally talk about aging is illustrative - "when I get that way, just take me out and shoot me" is often the extent of planning for the future we do, and is often used to shut down conversations trying to do anything more. One problem with that sort of concept is it treats "getting old" as a one-time event that just happens, as if everything is fine one day, and the next you reach a point where you become valueless. That concept prevents people from taking a gradual approach to winding down as they get older. It's no wonder elderly people often fight the slightest loss of independence, we set things up as an all-or-nothing situation, like walking off a cliff instead of a gentle downhill stroll.
The other problem with that is that no one actually has the power to "just" do anything - whether that be stopping you driving, "putting" you in a home, or shooting you. The only option people have to make decisions for you is if they can have you declared incompetent, both reinforcing the walking off a cliff feeling for older people and putting their family in the impossible position of being expected to look after them (both by society and earlier promises) without actually allowing the family any legal right to actually do so.
With the agreement I'm working on I hope to set things up to allow for a more dignified and gradual withdrawal from responsibility for Mum, allowing her to pass over the responsibilities that are getting harder to manage without losing choices of how she wants to live and what she wants to do. Hopefully I will be able to set myself up to eventually do the same in future.
Sounds like you are already doing all the right things but there's a book called 'letting go' by Charlie Corke that talks about death planning. Read it a while back but I remember it had some really good practical advice and was not too heavy to read.
Edit. And hugs. This is tough stuff
I ordered a heater from Kmart on May 30, and someone went and lost it. Kmart sent me an email the same day that they'd sent it, but the tracking never updated and when I contacted couriers please they said they'd never received it. When I checked on the Kmart page their tracking had changed from "fully shipped" to "we're trying to find items for your order". I contacted Kmart and they just refunded me stating it had been lost in transit.
Booooo
Also the other kid stole my water jug I keep in my fridge and now I don't have cold water :(
Yeah, I think I'm on the verge of the sickness.
I'm utterly fucked. Brain not work good. Body feels weird.
I know it'll get better over the next couple of days but damn, fucking with your circadian rhythm is intense.
Trigger warning - potential burglary
I swear the shithole area where I live is doing my head in. Yesterday I'm pretty sure two guys were looking for packages to steal and/or casing myself and my neighbours.
They made a beeline with one guy walking and the other crawling behind him in a distinctive coloured car I've never seen before, the walking guy coming onto the porch and moving every single one of my bins to check behind, going around to my neighbours to presumably do the same, even looking in a nearby hedge. On the way out the driver then got out of the car and openly leaned down to look closely through a neighbour's side window. Then leaving in the car with the first guy walking behind.
I didn't bother calling the cops because they almost never come and even if they did the sus dudes would be long gone by the time they showed. They usually are. Also I've got the security cam footage of that saved on my phone but it's a pain in the arse or impossible to send anything more than a minute long so I'd probably have to go pull it off the recorder box. But I might report it tomorrow in case they come back or have hit someone else. If the cops even care.
And before you incredulously ask how come I'm so blase about this and didn't immediately call the cops - please just don't. Don't blame or judge. It's pure exhaustion. It happens all the fucking time.
Over the years I've had different and even the same people repetitively trying to break in while I was home, and once physically chased a woman out of my flat when I stupidly forgot to lock the door. She was later arrested having snuck in and stolen the house keys of the old man a few doors down. I'm not even getting into everything that's happened here. The cops generally don't care.
So like. Yeah. Fuck this place. I'm just hoping I don't get broken into or assaulted before I can leave.
Oof. I'm sorry Melbs. I know the feeling all too well. I gave up with cops after they disregarded my call when a worker at my last place was being threatened by a kid who was holding a chair over her head and threatening to kill her, plus a number of other times either I or the workers had been assaulted. They can maybe 1 in 10 times they were needed, and always 7-8 hours after it had happened
Woke up at 530, completely refreshed and not groggy. Started my day that much earlier, which was nice, but holy fudge am I completely zonked right now.
Might need a 15 min power nap at some point.
As a reformed sleeper-in-er-er, I now routinely get up at about 5.
I am, I have to say, one of those abominable "morning prople" who waxes on about how much better it is to start early etc etc etc. Of course, I'm also basically a nanna who is in bed by half nine.
Bout to lose my shit at work. We're in the "Find out" stage of the FAFO process. All the pressure is somehow falling on the shoulders of the poor bloke who if we had of listened to this legend in the first place the whole mess woulda been avoidable.
I just told one part of the business "Oi, dont fuck with X or you'll break shit!" for the second time this year, because they broke shit again. They replied with "yes, but also something isnt working properly" and its taking all I have not to reply with "if ya'll stop sending bloody viruses the anti-spam will leave you alone! Until then I've had to set it to maximum cause if you leak customer data again the relevant authority is gonna have someone shot! To say nothing of what i'll do to you!"
Ah man. You're reminding me of what I'm missing out on.
I remember the time one of the people who I managed threatened my job. Couldn't say anything because he was my managers best buddy.
Fucking hate office politics.
finally slept alright last night. So yep, it was covid messing with me.
Feeling a fair bit better. The sun is out and its a gorgeous day. I went for a drive to get a coffee and it was amazing. I just wanted to keep driving! I really REALLY missing my old car. I'd give just about anything for one last trip in it. I'd love to be standing on the dock at Cowes with a doughnut and the wind in my hair, or sitting at bar in Falls Creek with a alpine cider in my hand. Or the beach of tidal river with some fish and chips.
I heard from the family member who brought my car the other week. They love it, but financially looking to sell it cause it makes more sense for the business to expense a new one. I know I could buy it back, but it doesn't make sense. It doesn't suit the family, and its just spending money delaying the purchase of its ultimate replacement: but the replacement is still years away and I'm just stuck with the dadmobile SUV. Sigh. I shouldnt complain, especially after the events of that piece of shit mazda last year. but I can still be sad.
Must have been a night for odd dreams. I had several, one of which included me and another person having to have cats down our tops as we went about our work. I forgot the cat was there after a while and got worried Iโd hurt it or squashed it, but when I checked the cat was comfortably curled up and asleep. The other dream about arguing with a nasty woman who wouldnโt pay me for work Iโd done wasnโt so great.
Mine was about the end of the earth. I had to make it to where the sky was glowing blue but I came across people walking back from there saying it was the wrong direction and we had to go back where it was dark. There was more to it but that's all I remember.
Tested again this morning and got the faint line, but since the stick snapped off in the vial and I had to find some tweezers to rotate it, I wouldn't be surprised if it's actually stronger.
Anyway still coughing and honking and last night I had the knives in my throat feel, so definitely not fit to work. Or be out of the house.
Ok so the quick nap to feel refreshed lasted a couple of hours. No matter, it was to be expected.
Edit: my brain is mush. Recreational activities only for today I think. If I can muster the energy.
I fell asleep at like 5pm and slept until my alarm at 7am. That was magical.
I'm surprised the cat let me. I hadn't fed him but he didn't wake me up by pawing at his bowl, he mostly just cuddled up all night.
Also had weird dreams. The one I remember thinking was important is the one I remember the least.
Title
All I can remember is walking through an unfamiliar landscape with my mum, but she wasn't my mum. She was something else that looked like her and wanted me to be at ease.
She told me that major change was coming. That life after wasn't going to be recognisable to now, but that I shouldn't fight it. That it was for the best and that I'd be okay. Everyone would be okay.
I know it's just my anxieties about the current state of the world taking form and that dreams don't really have meaning. But it felt profound in the moment. I do think I feel better having had that dream.
I also had a nightmare where I needed to pee but all the bathrooms had piles of random boxes in them that meant I had to squeeze in and awkwardly sit there. Also they were in public places.
That one wasn't profound I just slept for 13 hours and really needed to pee.
I's looking nice and sunny outside, I think it is dog walk time. ๐
Edit: dog walk has been completed. It was very pleasant, although Mr Woof took offence at a couple of other dogs daring to walk on the same street as us and at one point attempted to chase a bicycle. Miss Meow has decided it is now her turn and has claimed lap rights.
There are strangely few people around. Iโve not forgotten some sort of holiday have I?
Alrighty. I'm awake. I don't want to be, but hey, I did it.
I am super keen on Out of Sight in 4k arriving in the mail today or tomorrow. One of my favourite movies (and books) suave as hell George Clooney in 4k...yes please.
Also hanging for his new movie with Brad Pitt.
Spent the arvo playing with temps and muffins on the airfryer. Now plotting all sorts of recipes. Anyone have faves? We have the ninja multicooker.
Edit: doesn't have to be muffins sorry, any multi cooker recipes will be explored
Yay: got some exciting news about some uni study I've put off for years and can finally complete. I can exercise my brain in ways I never could at work
Nay: I kind of forgot about it because it was in limbo for months, so now I need to turbocharge my brain and think of research topics ASAP.
I'm starting to find the commute to one of my jobs is really a drag, especially in winter, and I don't get as much out of being in that office now that I have my other job... I think I'm going to make it a policy that I wfh one day every other week. If I'm going to be studying again, even very very part time, I definitely need to cut down on all that BS.
Breakfast ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ซ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฅญ๐๐ฅฅ๐ฅฆ๐ฅ๐ซ๐๐ ๐ฅ๐ฅฌ๐ฅ๐ฝ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ง ๐ฅฏ๐๐ฅ๐ฅจ๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ง๐ณ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅฉ๐๐๐ซ๐๐๐๐ญ๐ฅ๐ง๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฅ๐๐ฃ๐ฑ๐ฅ๐ฆช๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ ๐ค๐ชผ๐ฆ๐ ๐๐ฅฎ๐ข๐ก๐ง๐ฐ๐ง๐ฅง๐ฆ๐จ๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฟ๐ฏ๐ฅโ๏ธ๐ต๐บ๐ถ๐ฅค๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ท๐ฅ๐ธ๐น๐ง๐
Called in at work earlier - the staff member who told me not to test if I didn't have symptoms was a lot more conciliatory. You wonder if someone Had A Word.
In other news, am slowly tackling the books etc. in short bursts. I realised that today it's technically one month since I moved in, thought given the extra day I spent cleaning at the old place it feels more like the following day was The Day.
I've been craving one of those Jarrah coffees but I wasn't prepared to spend $7.50 because I'm a tight-arse. Good news is they are on special for $3.75 this week at Coles if anyone is interested. I got the Brazilian latte. It's not bad.
I'm a zombie again,this last week I've been having troubles falling asleep and having a good one. I don't know what's going on, I know my mind is had a part to play a with it overthinking things and any unusual noise makes it worse.
I did find the cause of a low humming sound last night and it was my hot water system running, does make a bit of noise.
Anyway another day to see to get through. Let this be a quick day today but alas no dreams to report on today.
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