I personally don't know what collective you've been engaged with, but I can tell you in my experience Marxists take racism and feminism very seriously, and that while revolution is a necessary step for the emancipation of the oppressed, it's by no means the only one since we have a lot of biases and behaviours ingrained in our cultures and societies.

A general premise of Marxism isn't necessarily a bloody revolution, it's just that the owners of the means of production normally won't just give those away to the workers without resorting to violence. In the USSR, there was a civil war started by the tsarist supporters. In Cuba, there was a war first against the Spanish, then against the American and Batista. In my home country, Spain, progressive policy during the democratic Spanish Second Republic was trumped by a fascist coup that plunged the country into authoritarianism for 40 years. In Chile, reformist Salvador Allende was also toppled and murdered by a fascist coup (CIA-backed). Mosaddegh in Iran was also deposed by capitalists. I could go on and on listing examples but I think my point is clear.

I don't know of any revolution (by revolution, I mean a change in the class-structure of a system) which has succeeded without the former ruling class exerted violence to keep their power. It's not that revolutionary Marxists want violence, it's just that historically, there doesn't seem to be a possibility of emancipation for the working classes without having to respond to violence from the ruling class.

And again, historical examples show how, generally, once these revolutions triumph, they're not as oppressive and violent against individuals formerly in power as the term "extermination of the capitalist class" suggests. I already showed you with Kulaks how they weren't murdered en-masse, simply expropriated and at worse forcibly relocated. Another example would be the last emperor of China, who wasn't murdered, but instead was forced into prison for rehabilitation and reeducation for 10 years, came out of prison openly saying that he regretted his actions as emperor, and went on to become an influential person within the institutions of the new China.