It was mostly not knowing that I would like being a girl. Before I was an adult, I never considered that being femme would be something that I might like. Even when I considered it to be an option, I legitimately couldn't figure out how I felt about it. I don't recall ever thinking that it was what I wanted, only being very interested in other people crossdressing.

Thanks to my autism, I need to observe myself like I'm observing another person to figure out what I'm feeling or what I want. I look at my behavior, physiological responses, thought patterns, and the context to figure out how I feel. I have wants, but I struggle to know what they are. I knew I hated something about myself, but not what it was.

I questioned myself so much because I didn't want to be a girl consciously as a kid, but after enough experimentation, I finally realized what I wanted. It took me longer to realize that I fucking hated being male. I feel so much happier as a woman than I expected would ever be possible. I never really felt alive until I realized who I was.