I know this all too well, although for me it surfaces much less as the thought of "saving myself the pain", but instead being a very aggressive: "I am so bad/worthless, any attempt by me could be genuinely hurtful/transgressive".

Had a lot of work, therapy, life developments, it got better, but never truly vanished as this thing that sometimes bubbles up at the core of my self - some days more, some days less. Wishing you the best in your own struggles with thoughts and feelings like that.

Fuck, that hit home. I’m with someone that I love and it’s great. I love myself and that’s great. But man, years of feeling ^^ this way. Cheers to each of us and anyone else who known this feeling.

The important part is you're doing the work, and I want to recognize your effort and thank you for it.

I'm on my own journey and I always have to remind myself that even though the work is hard, it is necessary to end the cycle of harm. Continuing the cycle is infinitely worse than the hard work. The more people that end the cycle, the better the world will become.

I feel you, I'm in the same boat. However

Fuck, sorry, I'm a lot better mentally nowadays

Your profile picture does not signal this. Are you ok?

I like to tell myself that it's fine, and that I can live this way, and justify it with knowing this is not a privilege. Probably I'm hiding my mental problems well enough for others not to see it, but they are there. I know I'm not fine, and another thing I know is that I would tell otherwise when it comes up.

Why would they want me?

I've seen total hotties being together with lawn-mower faces. Anything is possible.