I think our culture needs to embrace the concept of penance. You do something bad, then you do something appropriate in the hopes of mitigating, undoing, etc the damage, and then you forgive yourself.

I was never transphobic, when I was an egg I was edgy by being cool with trans people even. But I recognize we do need to welcome those of us who had this hostile and bigoted past. At the same time, harm was done and the "I didn't know better, but I'm better now" can feel insufficient on one or more sides in a way that "I've changed and I put in some work to try to make up for it" doesn't

Crucially penance shouldn't be seen as punishment (punishment is a deterrent meant to be unpleasant), or permanent, but rather a stage of restorative justice where you do what you can for a little while, and the slate is considered clean afterwards.

Idk I think a lot of the folks in here with stories like this should look into some form of volunteering to help the community and after a little while of doing it when you feel you've helped enough that you'd forgive someone else, forgive yourselves.