(I'm writing this in parts, so I don't forget the stuff that has already happened)

So after my last post I stopped shaving (my body hair) so I could end up pulling the hairs from the root instead (shaving sucks and ruins my skin, plus it lasts all of 12 hours). Around the same time I went to Wales to see my grandparents, despite the hair growth being pretty dysphoric I actually had a pretty decent time, it was relaxing not being able to do anything (if you get what I mean) and probably the lack of people also helped. On the last day after I took a shower I felt a random wave of euphoria that lasted until I fell asleep (the mirror must've been very kind to me), too bad I didn't take a picture, but judging how that usually goes that would've ruined my mood. Some of that good mood is probably due to Constant Companions (Deluxe Edition) by Jamie Paige, which I downloaded right before I left, I listened to it on the train and honestly over the break it very quickly became my favourite album (my top 5 used to just be all soundtracks), sorry if that's off topic but I really have to share that, she makes such good music, can't believe that I found her music by pure chance.

Anyway, shortly after I got back my birthday happened, it was pretty cool and cause of a couple reasons (delayed deliveries, my dad working on the day), it was kind of spread out across the following few days (just got the last presents yesterday as of writing this), although I felt pretty dysphoric on my actual birthday which sucks, I think that was because I tried to use an epilator on my body the day before and couldn't go through with it, that and I wasn't really mentally ready for it. I asked my mum if I could get some waxing stuff and also some tools to shape my eyebrows, she helped me get some stuff from boots (the UK store) a few days ago, and I started using the waxing stuff today, it sucks and was similarly demoralising to when I was using an epilator, since it doesn't actually get all the hairs and ends up ripping a few, but I think I just gotta see this through and chip away at it over the next few days like I did when I first shaved my body, also since the hairs that were taken from the root aren't gonna grow back anytime soon. My body hair really gives me a feeling of hopelessness sometimes, I really want this to work.

Also I know I didn't comment or anything but I really liked everyone's selfies, you all look so good! Almost made me want to post something but I don't really have a good photo yet, the best one I have is a photo I deleted immediately but immich managed to save somehow.

(late addition: BeamNG v0.39 released today, and I think there's some suspiciously trans coloured graffiti on the updated cinderblock wall, if that was intentional then that's given me another reason to love the devs!)

-- Written on 30/07/26

Gonna be honest, I'll start this off with saying I can't tell if it's normal for other trans people to have to internally transition as well? I still don't have an internal sense of anything, but quite often use my birthname or use masc terms in my head (without much thought) before catching myself, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing? I personally tend to match what I surround myself by, and for most of my life I have been in masc spaces, so a lot of my language both internally and how I act around others is also very masc, not to worry though I tend to adapt really quickly whith in-person social environments due to my social anxiety, but since all of the social transition so far has been online and in my head, I feel it a bit jarring to use my chosen name and more fem language, it feels as though I'm forcing it or lying to everyone. It'll probably help when I tell my family my new chosen name and ask them to use a wider range of pronouns, and I can pretty much be 100% sure that expanding my social circle would very quickly solve the other problem, given I did go to a all boys school after all.

I contacted my GP today and hopefully they refer me to a GIC, anyway I did read up on HRT from transfemscience.org (yet to read the anti-androgen stuff) and also all of the transfem stuff on diyhrt.wiki.

-- Written on 04/08/26

Lots of nothing, mood swings and not so great feelings! Hopefully this is about as bad as it's going to get though.

Researching this stuff is making me worry about literally everything, hopefully it'll subside when I take my first dose and can confirm the troughs and peaks are good.

My GP has arranged a call later this month, hopefully they refer me after I talk to them.