So ive been out as trans for about 3-4 months. Everything has been great so far in terms of coming out and trying out new things. Ive spent quite a bit to switch out my wardrobe and there will be more.
For some context. Ive been basically dissociating my whole life. Theres never really been a "me", ive just been following societal expectations and returned to the computer whenever my presence wasnt obligated or expected elsewhere. This has made it very hard to navigate life after coming out as trans. What do I even have to compare to? Do i feel better now than before? I know ive always been intrigued by feminine clothing and makeup and never felt "at home" /"at ease" with boys being boyish. I usually ended up in "the weird kids corner" and initially had no thoughts about being trans for many years. At first I thought I just had autism, and i still do, for several reasons. But when i realized thats probably not the entire puzzle things started to make more sense.
Anyways. I just went on vacation with some friends and we roadtripped down to another friend in Germany. While there her girlfriend kindly gifted me 2 3-packs of Gynokadin, 0.6mg/g estradiol gel. Now I just keep staring at them unsure of what to do. Ive been considering for the last 2 months whether it is time to get on to HRT but something in my brain is very afraid.
The one who gave them to me is now doing DIY injections and just didnt have any use for them. She basically told me "you can just try it". And I dont know, im afraid i'll feel nothing at all or even worse, bad, on it, and im just afraid everything will come shambling down? The dream is ofcourse to have my mental state improve and actually become a person but I have no idea where to go right now.
My original plan was to maybe start HRT via a private clinic (public healthcare has about 3,5-4 years wait time here) and just pray that improvements to mental health could prove my point but that feels like an extremely unwise diagnosis-by-medication strategy my brain tells me is stupid.
What would you do? Tips? Struggles? Experiences? Anything is welcome ❤️
I dont know if speed of physical changes is very important right now for me. Its more a test for my mental state and to see whether it is something I want to commit to?
Ive read up a bit on HRT in multiple forms of intake but im really just afraid to not feel better I guess?
Sorry but went a bit off-topic/vent here.
I mean, not to get too depressive, but the thought of death never really scared me. It was just "part of the process" like everything else. Thats about the depths of how little "me" was present in life. I had no autonomy or self because there just wasnt any me to care for? Ive never cared for eating healthy, improving my looks (clothing or hitting the gym), not because ive ever been self-destructive but because it didnt give me anything of "value" for me. What was expected for me there was of no interest to me. I studied whatever let me put least effort while still being enjoyable, as long as it wasnt questioned of was within the expectations on me. I always "toughed it out" if things got hard because thats what was expected of me. I never cared for myself because there never was a self. I found glimpses here and there but shrugged it off as, once again, being a weirdo or just not "vanilla". I ended up following that though and the trans journey has brought a lot of "life"/"self" back. And im afraid id lose what ive been able to feel if i cant self-accept. Which leads me to HRT, but self-accepting feels like it should come first, which makes this feel wrong in some way.
I dont really know what i feel, i havent really felt before, maybe an odd thing to say, but ive always valued others emotions way higher than my own. My emotions feel so... fake (?). I read the blog post about indirect gender dysphoria and I tick almost everything off. But since i feel like such a plastic version of a human being its hard to judge whether or not anything is right. On that path it feels like this is the right move.
I dont know where im going with this. Maybe its time to go to sleep. Sorry for the 3am rambles. I hope its atleast somewhat coherent as to explain where my brain is.
Hey these are really good thoughts! Honestly, super relatable. I felt a LOT of the same things. From this one girl on the internet to you, I think you might do well to try hrt.
Self acceptance is a long and ongoing journey. If you lock the rest of your care behind that, you might never get started.
Starting hrt is how I went from self doubt to self acceptance. Whatever you decide please keep talking about it in here.