Hi all,
Im looking for some input/advice/help. I came out as trans some month ago. Its been on my mind for 15+ years and it feels great to finally have come out.
But I always have an extremely hard time internalizing stuff, and very much so in this case. This worry that "i might not be" keeps eating away at my brain and I dont know where to turn to ask for advice.
Ive tried to get more in touch with my feminine side and I absolutely love it. The initial gender euphoria was crazy. Ordering new clothes and ripping off the old mask of trying to meet the masculine ideals that was expected of me has been so freeing.
However, i havent come out at work or to my family yet. So i do have to put that mask back on almost daily. Some days really suck. Seeing myself in the mirror ranges for masc stubble nightmare to still seeing a version of me that I like (which I have never done before).
But something in my head keeps bugging me. A little goblin inside telling me "what if youre wrong?", "what if youre actually not trans", "you dont feel that bad when youre still looking masc", "youre not that dysphoric".
The gremlin has always been there in other scenarios but this time is giving me so much issues with my headspace just due to how important this whole journey is to me.
Does anyone have any advice? Is this normal? Is it common for people to deal with fantasy creatures in their head? Should I rethink my life choices?
I have no idea where to turn with this one but atleast tried to book a time with the only therapist/doctor ive met whos been able to properly talk about gender dysphoria. Although im afraid of how much I can/should say because trans care sucks here and I really dont want to be left out of the opportunity of actually getting help.
Thank you! I have tried that but I feel like Im so used to being "detached" from myself that it doesnt really feel that terrible, although not right. I do know very surely that I would prefer a feminine body over a masculine one though. That is very apparent to me. I have had extremely litte or no interest at all at expressing or being perceived as masc.
that seems like a very clear vision though. :)
is it that you lack a 'direct' and clear feeling, that corresponds to this notion? it's like that for me, sometimes. i guess what i do is remember all those moments i was happy presenting fem. on the other hand, and that's maybe the most powerfull for me is trying to think of dysphoric moments. (like the above mentioned thought experiment)
i try to find moments in which i was sad to be perceived as a man. it might be important to say that i frame these with a "that will change soon" attitude so i don't drown in the dysphoria.
if thats doable for you, make a list and relive sad (or itchy) and happy times. for me it feels that through decades of repression there is a lot to be evaluated and processed for the first time. a lot of it is under the ice, but i am working on that :)