through the last of my high school years I just began to feel like shit, very depressed. couldn't put a reason to why or how, so I never got help for it. my thoughts became dangerous but I couldn't just... leave I had people that needed me and loved me too much for that. but still... it never changed the fact that I felt like I was living in third person.

traditional "guy" friendships were ones I never understood. I always had an easier time talking with girls my age, and especially when I clarified that I was aroace. I'm lucky that barrier could be broken from the get-go, but I still didn't feel complete.

in the mirror, I never saw a person that I actually loved. no matter what I wore or how I styled my facial/head hair, I was always doing it for someone else. I was trying to emulate what should've looked good, not what made me feel good.

seeing the hatred around trans people sprouting up around the U.S., I never understood it. my logic was, if they aren't hurting anyone, why is it an issue? and also being glad I wasn't being subjected to that hate. still... seeing other MTFs... no. that can't be me. I wouldn't even look good as a girl. I already look too masc. where would I start? that would uproot everything in my life. there's too much to lose...

I put up a good (bad?) fight. I suppressed those thoughts for nearly three years. nonetheless, two months after I turned 18, I was up far too late in the night and I tried on some different clothes. from there, it all came crashing down.

and now here I am. shaky, but sure of myself.

:3