Lived for like 18 years thinking it was just a "fetish" and it will eventually stop. Meanwhile I was increasingly depressed of the fact that I wasn't born a girl but also "surely is an obsession I can't control" to the point that in retrospective doesn't make a lot of sense. Let's say trans people aren't well perceived here (or represented) so, internalized transphobia did it's part too. Was due an MLP Fanfic that I had to confront myself and it took me like another two or three years of internal conflict to accept that, in fact, if my three genie wished are "being born a girl" and the button press between "a billion" and "being a girl" were always the same and indeed it was not a very cis thing think, then I might be trans.

Now I'm utterly afraid of the process of HRT, its outcome (not passing) and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.

But at least I know the root of all my anxiety, depression, and what later on learnt was called "dysphoria".