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I tie my happiness to the company of strange men.
(self.goodoffmychest)
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this post was submitted on 06 May 2026
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Off My Chest
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The last sentence is key. I don't think it all revolves around sex, it's just that it's the most obvious feeling, which cannot be easily repressed.
The way you talk make it sound a lot like my own internal monologue when I was depressed. I predict that even if you do find sexual success it will not fill the hole (pun semi intended).
I think you need love, and at this point even the most superficial semblance of love will seem like a cup of water to one crawling through a desert -> hence your focus on the sexual bit.
You somehow (and this is not as trivial as it may read) to learn how to love yourself. It's not an easy task. An important step is making changes, by moving anywhere, keep moving towards slight improvement.
You may run into someone that you can convince of loving you like you do yourself in the long run. To keep in the metaphor, you first need to get yourself out of the desert. Take a sip of water if the possibility presents itself, but unless you get out of the depressed state you won't heal significantly.
It's not easy, I've luckily found someone to share my road with, which makes things significantly easier. I hope you'll manage the same. Get a move on, however tiny the steps.
I really liked it when I was going through mania—the complete opposite of right now. But lately I’ve noticed how empty I feel. Like most things now, it feels impossible and that I physically cannot do it. I don’t know how to describe it. But I guess that’s depression for you. I know that I need to get better, but I’m so familiar with these feelings that I don’t want to. It’s what I know.
I think I will swear off of men again. These feelings remind me why I swore off of them the last time. And the time before. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thank you for taking the time to type out such a thoughtful reply. You give me hope that there are others out there that have such sincerity and empathy.
Yeah that is the toughest part. No-one can do it for you, unfortunately. If you can, you can try professional help. But it is you that needs to take the first step. And that is very hard, so wishing you luck is the best I can do.
It's good taking your time there as well. You need to be in the business of learning to love yourself first. You cannot find stability with another if you haven't found it in yourself.
If you've lived through it you know how much a little can help a lot. And that helping others is one of the most fundamental things we can do as human beings. I hope that -in due time, after finding your ground- you will be in a position to do so for others!
I got my next appointment moved up to next week. It’s kind of wild to see how far down I’ve fallen since our last visit. Though crying it out earlier helped me think with a clearer head afterward.