I just feel so alone, I fucking hate BPD, I hate how my father neglected me so now I can't even do basic chores corrrctly, I hate bring autistic, I hate being a failure of a FUCKING trans women I'm sick and I'm tired of it.
I'm 24 nearly 25, I have an assosites in computer info systems, never once got a job that wasnt retail. I live with roomates who I used to be friends with but now hate me because I'm fucking horrible, and self depericate all the time. My mental health is horrible, I disassosite constantly, its gotten so bad I forgot three entire weeks of my life, just gone. I have basiclly no short term memory. I went on leave from target since I kept getting written up for not working fast enough and I had zero perception of time, it took me multiple days to recover. My relationship at home are cold and to the point no one likes me, because meltdown constantly and cost everyone emotional labor. I'm a fucking werido basiclly. My transition is a failure, I look so masc and I'm just gross and disgusting. I drive the most beat up Prius ever, frontend is gone. I genunily get joy from nothing. I scroll endless for hours, sleep 12 hours a day. I tried to go back to school spiloer alert I'm failing everything. No one fucking cares. When I try to talk no one responds. My mom tells me she has dreams where I killed myself, and worries. I plan on ending it once she passes. There so much more I want to say but I genunily can't string the thoughts together.
I'm a piece of shit, I'll never get better. Me self depericating cause I didn't do the dishes, was not a dilleribte choice so I didn't have to do anything, it was me being vocal about how I am horrorible cause I needed to do the dishes again. Its me understanding how I'm a fuck up who can't do anything right, its me being focal that I hate myself
I'm really sorry you're experiencing this pain and frustration. Like others said, I think therapy would really go far in your life. You need someone to safely talk to and get feedback. Positive feedback especially when it's warranted.
All of these things are temporary. The world sucks right now, it won't always. Parts (hell maybe all) of your life sucks but it won't always. Everything changes, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, sometimes you're in control of the change sometimes you're not. I know it probably feels permanent and probably feels like it's always been bad but that's your brain lying to you because you're feeling shitty. It's a feedback loop. It's absolutely fixable as are a lot of the issues you've listed. It's okay sometimes for today to suck. Because that makes tomorrow more vibrant. It makes you more compassionate because you've been there. Just please remember, how you're feeling and how you're seeing the world is temporary.
I'm at that point where I'm just hatec by everyone. -
The moment you're in is temporary. This too will pass. Things change, that's the only real constant. With a bit of work things can change for the better. Hold on, keep pushing through. Life is shit a lot of the time for everyone. The moments that aren't are what makes it worth it. You are so young and have so many more opportunities for those happy moments.
So what if people hate you right now, they aren't the measure of your worth. People will come into your life, some will stay and some will go.
I know it's hard but you cant let sour moments and dark thoughts to consume the infinite possibilities that lie ahead of you.
so work on not hating yourself. Your own opinion of who you are is all that matters.
to note, feeling masc and ugly is about the most feminine thing in my cis opinion. I just dreamt a man left me for skin and bones with nipple covers and I freaked out screaming, "sorry im noy pretty, skinny or wealthy enough". Then I woke up. Im enough, and so are you.