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About my first step experience. (self.mtf)
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by IntensityLad to c/mtf
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Hey wonderful ladies, gents and everyone outside!

I wanted to ask if anyone else experienced something like this early on their feminising journey: I’ve recently finally shared my dramas/worries around my gender identity with my doctor (after who knows how long of the writing being on the wall and loud) and suddenly things are a bit easier, it feels like I can breathe a bit deeper, the internal strife is quieter. But within my consciousness i don’t think i feel any different? It’s almost like a silent subconscious side of me was trying to scream for years that something was wrong, and I’ve finally listened at least a bit so it’s stopped fighting me, although the “me” i experience doesn’t seem to care that much.

I ofc feel relieved (and terrified!) to have talked about it at all. But it feels deeper than that, and this deeper peace I’m experiencing is obvious to observe within myself. I’m planning to ask to speak to a specialist next appointment but that could be weeks or months away and I’d like to try to make some sense of it before then! Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends who this topic would 100% be safe with, they’ve all shown at least yellow or orange flags of transphobia.

I’d love to hear any of your own stories or similar experiences. Also thank you for this community, i don’t think i would have opened up if it wasn’t for the tales and thoughts shared.

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[-] dandelion 5 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

I really like what @phr@discuss.tchncs.de said in her other post:

i didn’t know forever that i was a girl. i don’t know today. i’m just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it’s highly plausible, but i can’t see the bigger picture yet.

decades of repression left me with a poor sense of self, and sifting through the fragments like an archaeologist is a good way of putting it

Anyway, yes - entirely normal to feel dissonance, or different and mixed feelings about transition.

I spent a long time coping with my situation by learning to not care about my identity, so it makes sense that after becoming so good at that, that I would then struggle to feel connected to that part of myself.

Here's a "poem" I wrote about gender identity, trying to make sense of it:

Hidden from the senses

Inferred shadows

Constraining, defining, shaping

Without a trace

Like water wondering about the shape of a bowl

[-] IntensityLad 1 points 3 weeks ago

Thank you! I do fear how deep this has dug into me. It looks like it’s rotted part of my core it has dug so deep.

I’m going to save that poem and see how my perception of it changes as this journey continues.

[-] dandelion 2 points 3 weeks ago

yeahhhh, transitioning has made me realize there is quite a lot of damage I've sustained

but it's sort of irrelevant to the decision of whether to transition, I mean - at first I remember going through immense grief and so on, and later a realization that I'll never be whole, etc. and more grief - but you have to remember in terms of a decision about whether to transition, I was already such a fucked up person, and transitioning was a massive and unambiguous improvement for my well-being.

So give yourself space to grieve, but I wouldn't focus too much on the negative emotions - we can't afford to not be practical about our feelings, we have to find ways to see things that helps us survive.

this post was submitted on 27 Jan 2026
29 points (100.0% liked)

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