Hey, folks. So to start this off, I'm going to say that I am trying to be respectful, polite, and sensitive. I try my best to live my life in such a way that I never intentionally or unavoidably harm someone. So that said, I just want to apologize in advance if anything I say is insensitive, and with the caveat that I hope everyone understands it is coming from a place of love and respect.
I am posting this for my 'neice.' She's my best friend's step daughter, so I'm not a blood relation, and we've only known each other a few years. I'd like to think we're fairly close, though. Friends in our own right, as well.
I'm not going to include any identifiable information, and I'm going to be showing this to her, so if you want to phrase your reply as a reply to her, that would be cool.
She came out several years ago as trans, has occasionally gone out dressed as a woman, and gone by her female name (we'll say Nicole), but in day to day life, she lives as Nick, in full boy mode. I was unaware until last night that she was still in the closet with a lot of people. I knew, her parents know, her ex wife knows. I assumed she was out, and had honestly wondered (and made assumptions, because humans are flawed) that it was an enby situation, or like a back and forth "today I feel like Nicole, today I feel like Nick" type of deal. I've been pretty much exclusively using Nick as the name unless she's dressed as Nicole. I feel really badly about that now.
But the thing that gets me, that really hurt me last night, was she telling me now that's she's getting divorced, she's wondering if she should just go back in the closet and not mention it while dating, because dating is hard enough already. It broke my heart. We talked, she always feels like Nicole. She wants to transition, she wants to live as Nicole, as that is who she is. I cried on my drive home. I'm a 34 year old gay cis man, I'm 6'3 and 270lbs. My egg cracked years ago, and I've never done a thing about it. I'll never pass, I'll never be able to explain to my family. So I've just repressed it.
I don't want my undone things to influence the way I approach this situation. I don't want to push Nicole because she has an opportunity I feel I didn't and don't. But I also want her to live her life in the best way for her. I want her to be happy. And when she told me she was thinking about going back into the closet, it hurt something deep inside I didn't even know was there.
All I could think about was that lesbian friend when I was 14 who got sent to the convent for nearly a year, or that stupid Pray Out The Gay bullshit I went to in secret at the mall when I was 16. Or my uncle, who was so terrified of coming out that he lived with his "roommate" for 15 years before they ever said the word gay to anyone besides my mother (who was an ally, and an incredible person. She did not send me to that pray out the gay thing).
All of these thoughts, these people from generations before me and from my own that have been unable to live their truths, all of them terrified and shunned, and here Nicole is, having to make the same stupid fucking decisions because of stupid fucking stupid jerks. It breaks my heart. It hurts my soul. I don't want that for her. I want her to have better. She deserves better. But I don't know how to help, or what to do. And I am aware that I have a bias here, and that it's easy to try to live vicariously through someone else, and I don't want that for either of us.
So that's basically it. I'm not sure what the question is, exactly. But if you read this, and you have any general advice for Nicole or me, please let me know. We live in a fairly conservative state. Her parents are supportive, but both her parents and I are moving about 8 hours away soon. That's a big chunk of a support network gone. She also has two kids to think about, both under 5. She does have friends, and I believe most of them know and are supportive, but I don't know for sure.
+1 to NCC-21166's comment, I was about as old and heavy as you when I transitioned, and I also assumed I would never pass but was surprised to be wrong. You don't know what you will look like if you transition, you just have to walk that walk. You might watch this video about common excuses people have for not transitioning. Maybe it's not helpful, but it at least addresses some of the common misconceptions.
Regardless, 30s is not too late to transition, I know women in their 40s who transitioned and they pass and look great - and even if they didn't, most people don't regret transitioning and their life still is better for it even without passing.
EDIT:
... have you considered that you yourself are making the heart-breaking choice Nicole is making?
If you don't transition for yourself, maybe consider the impact your decision to transition might have on others. In the end, I transitioned because I realized I was a burden on others, and because taking care of myself was a way to reduce the stress and worry for the people I cared about in my life.
Sometimes cleaning up your own life is a way to make a positive impact in other people's lives.
My advice is to get on HRT ASAP, regardless of decisions around social transition.
Social transition can be awkward, difficult, and risky. (Going to the courthouse to change your name, coming out at work, updating your name with your bank, etc. are not fun and easy activities; I did many of these things before I started HRT and I think it would have been easier if I had started HRT first.)
HRT is very low risk and fairly likely to improve mental health and quality of life - you can plan social transition for later when you start to pass to strangers.
(You don't even have to socially transition when you would think, i.e. when the HRT has caused obvious changes. People who knew you as a man before are very likely to continue seeing you as a man even if you have breasts; I had breasts, hair removal, etc. and a neighbor only told me I looked 20 years younger without my beard, without a clue about my transition, and at a time when some strangers were already gendering me as a woman.)
Also, start to make plans so you can move out of the conservative state into a state with protective laws - this is a good idea for many reasons, but especially if you are trans. Use Erin in the Morning's Anti-Trans National Risk Assessment Map to help.
EDIT2:
see also !translater@lemmy.blahaj.zone and !mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone communities
and on the educational side, some recommended reading: