So, I'm gonna preface this by saying that I know my own sexuality is for me to define, and me alone. I'm just looking to hear some outside opinions to hear more than just my own internal voice.
For quite some time, I considered myself a lesbian. I only really felt like I could be attracted to women or perhaps some enby folks; men for me felt completely out of the question. I'm demisexual (perhaps demiromantic as well, but I haven't really been in situations where I could test that out), and so I need someone that I can connect with emotionally. For me, that's always been women, as we just get each other on a level that I have never found with men, and with an emotional maturity that's lacking in the men I've met in my life.
Then I met a trans man that I really hit it off with, and after getting to know each other really well, I fell into a situationship. At that point, I considered that I must be bi, because I was having feelings and open to doing things with a man. But now that I've been out of that situationship for quite some time, I can't help but think that despite our initial emotional connection, him and I didn't really connect the way I wanted. It was more trauma bonding than anything, really. Of course, that was clouded by the fact that he was my favorite person at the time, when I didn't realize I had BPD, so any connection felt amazing in the moment. I'm not sure if anything would have ever happened if it weren't for my BPD.
I've been beginning to think that I'm not sure about the bi label anymore, because for the most part, my lack of attraction to men hasn't really changed, at least not on the emotional/romantic part. It feels like he was an exception, which feels very strange to me. I mean, I have no fear in who I'm attracted to, so I don't feel like that's a denial response, I think more than anything I'm still just figuring out who I am? Or maybe my BPD led me into a situation that defies my sexual or romantic orientation? I think the way I'm most comfortable identifying myself is that I'm romantically a lesbian, but sexually bi, though my being demisexual kind of means I don't see myself ending up in a situation in the future where the distinction matters.
Does that make sense? I just wanna hear someone else's thoughts on the matter because I've had a tough time fully resolving my thoughts by myself the past 5 months.
If anything, this is kind of just a vent post.
This was incredibly helpful, thank you for such a detailed response!
First, I am moreso wondering how to present myself to others, because I'm fine with my own attraction being a bit fuzzy, but I'm curious how I could accurately communicate my interests to others.
As a trans woman myself, I felt uncomfortable with exploring the idea that my attraction to him was because he was trans, especially since I've only ever known him as a man, and other than his voice, he fully passes. That being said, I can't say I haven't considered that as a possibility, it's just that admitting that feels wrong in a way, and the way I prefer to think of it in my own mind is that his experiences growing up were more similar to mine, so he gained experience in areas that most men would struggle with due to societal pressures (emotional maturity being a big one, since toxic masculinity often prevents many men from exploring their emotions and the emotions of others to the same degree as women). It's kind of a strange thing for me to explore in my mind, because thinking of him as anything beyond just a man feels like I'm being disrespectful, especially given how uncomfortable it would make me feel if someone were attracted to the masculine parts of myself. But I think you have a very good point that it could be relevant. He's even told me himself he's found that he's very different than most men, and even most trans men.
I guess I should really clarify that sexually, I genuinely don't care what someone has or how they identify. The reason things feel more vague for me is that I can enjoy fantasizing about anyone, it's just the romantic part I feel is exclusive to women, mostly due to emotional connection (barring the exception). For instance, I have no problem internally fantasizing about having sex with a cisgender man, though I would not have a great time imagining a date with one. Even within sexual fantasies, I can't imagine the romantic parts of it with a man; y'know, the parts I enjoy most, being demi and all.
But I think for all intents and purposes, you're right that there's no reason I couldn't continue to identify as a lesbian. Labels are only really useful in communicating broad things, anyway. I feel like it's okay to admit there are exceptions to the rule and just continue with the label I feel more accurately describes me. Thank you, again.