I relate to this. I didn’t have many people I could rely on growing up, though I didn’t recognize it at the time. It left me with a lot of doubt about myself and about others. I often wonder who I might’ve been if genuine human connection had come more naturally, if I hadn’t learned to see myself in such a harsh light.

Now I work in a factory because I never felt I had the capacity to aim for anything

Having no motivation is still my biggest drag on myself. I still don't feel I deserve things, and I feel I've lost a lot of the ability to really even want things, so if I can't set goals or have desires, it's hard to find that ambition. I used to have lots of dreams, but my parents pushed them out of me. My life now is...fine...but I don't know if it will ever be what young and innocent me would have wanted for me.

What is it about dads that leave thinking smacks are a good tool? Mine would call it "showing the love" and whenever he thought i was a nuisance he thought it was cute to hit me until i hit him back while he was driving and couldn't understand it.

But as for what we do for work and what we do with our lives do not blame solely on yourself as this world is not tame or easy. Failing is the default state but you still always have the ability as a human to adjust your environment. Even if just a little. Its ok to not change the whole world cause your changes do change the world around you.