[reposted here from reddit]

Hi Davey,

I mean no disrespect in sending you this, but perhaps I should. Your family’s actions have destroyed much of what is left of my life. I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to live for in years because of it.

I am happy that you opened up the communication between us last year. It was a big relief to know, that despite the harassment I endured from you, it was not from dangerous individuals. However, I do believe that you put our lives in danger on multiple occasions. I was happy to believe that your harassment would finally end. It was a weight taken off my shoulders which helped me start to recover, but that was very short lived, as you turned it right back on again. I have to believe that it was due to some unfair complaint about me, given from your cousin.

At some point in time throughout the 10 years, I had already come to the conclusion that the harassment I received was from you. The vast amount of resources that I've seen used here could not have been provided by any non-governmental agency. Oh well. It's my luck that my ex-wife has a relative working in such a position of legal power.

I decided to meet up with my childhood friend and take some time off to recover for what you've done. It was not my plan to be away for that long, but I still had healing and recovery to do. It was the healthiest time that I've had in over a decade since your harassment started. I felt my body heal and my mind recover. I made some great progress and I was feeling happy again. I even met someone special on my trip that I continue to speak with every day. I just wish I could have done that with my child.

When I returned, the harassment from you started again in full swing. It first started with your cousin, refusing to allow me to see my child on on a special day. It was very clear in the court order and I was no way unfair. Your cousin had absolutely no right to create an issue about this. I can only imagine the spun story she gave you to cause you to take action. Do you know what it’s like to look forward to seeing your child on her birthday after being gone for so long, only to be refused and antagonized by her mother.? And then I was told that I wouldn’t see her for two weeks following because she is on vacation with her mother. I received your cousin’s refusal message the minute I landed. I broke down in tears at the airport. Shortly after being triggered by her actions, I sank into that dark place, broken by her intentional words, once again. Was it the length of time that I was gone that they convinced you to be upset about as well? I don’t regret any of the decisions or actions that I made surrounding my departure and return and how I handled your cousin. And it’s not your job or your family’s job to be the judge and jury here. Your cousin was very wrong in what she did. You already know my stance on her malicious behavior towards me. She has involved you and her father in a never ending fight to destroy my life. Is everyone taking pleasure in what they are doing to me to the point that I constantly ask myself what did I do that was so bad to bring on so much anger and hatred? To constantly question the declining quality of my life. I’ve expressed to you the fact that overall, I’ve lived a good life towards other people. I treated people above and beyond the way I would want to be treated. I want to reinforce that fact. You accused me of being bad towards women. I loved my mother, my sister and now my daughter who are all women. I would do anything to protect and advance them. I’ve been good to the women throughout my life. I was dumbfounded by your accusation that I wasn’t, but I understood where that belief was coming from.

When you reached out to me a year ago, it seemed like you were under the impression that I was going to commit suicide. I assured you I wasn’t, but you’ve caused so much damage to my life that I often questioned what I had to live for anymore. I was in a very bad place a year ago. I was heart broken, already a beaten man from your harassment and the harassment of your cousin and her father. I was antagonized by you or someone working for you on social media claiming to be my person that I cared for, and you continued to feed me false information to make me feel bad about myself. Telling me how bad my actions were towards a woman that I deeply cared about, and wanted to see succeed. Claiming that I put her in the hospital as a result of my actions and then your cousin chiming in to tell me that she spoke with my person, saying similar negative statements. Causing me to question her safety because of your actions. I was good to this woman and tried to help her the best I could, and the one night that she reminded me of your cousin's behavior was the night I asked her to leave and have never seen her again. The entire scenario was as if you were trying to feed me a taste of my own medicine, when I never created an ailment. This was already during a time in which I was distraught over how fucked up my life had become because of your family's actions.

This leads me to the question, why are you still doing this to me? I understand the strength of the bond between family, but when do you determine the actions you are taking are wrong? Have you taken enjoyment from what you have been doing? Perhaps you just don’t believe me when I tell you that I am not the offender. If you were trying to change my behavior, wouldn’t your approach of harassment have worked by now? For over 10 years you have revisited the issue, inflicting the same negative reinforcement towards me, time and time again. Has anyone ever informed you that negative reinforcement is not the best approach to change behavior, and yet you still inflict this pain upon me, with what appears to be without hesitation. These actions have brought fear, resentment and resulting destruction into my life and have made things worse, not better. Perhaps it is the money that your Uncle is giving you? Does he give to your foundation enough to destroy a person's life? Perhaps you get some satisfaction from the power and the pain that you are inflicting on me? If so, You are not the judge here. I follow that statement with a reference from the New Testament, although I could have taken the same out of the Torah or Quran or philosophies like Confucianism. Before you read it, I want to ask you this. Would you like to believe that the actions you take against me are minuscule compared to the bloated infractions that you think I am guilty of? The public resources that you use to accomplish your deeds against me. The risk you put on the people involved. The methods that are deployed to get what you need from me? The discarded oaths that you took to protect the people? Despite what you want to believe, I am happy to say that the world seems to be in agreement here:

Matthew 7: Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

I want to reinforce with you the fact that last year, I, alone, decided that some of my behavior was creating issues for me and the people around me, and I, alone took the necessary action to correct it. I know the cause of my ailment and I welcome you and your family into the realm of the cause of my disease. A disease that you continue to inflict and multiply into my life.

To conclude, I want to remind you that I was a happy person over 10 years ago. I was not self destructive, I was successful and reliable. My unhappiness and the resulting actions coincide with what was done to me by your family, and still continues to this very day. What was created here was an endless stream of negative actions towards me, resulting in a slow and steady decline of my life, resulting in self destructive behavior and a general apathy towards life. Whether it be for money, or for satisfaction of inflicting pain, or the feeling of righteousness in inflicting some form of mistaken justice, I’m asking you to please stop what you are doing. Stop monitoring me, stop harassing me, just please stop. Encourage a better relationship between your cousin and myself. Help her and her father understand that I am not the evil person she has portrayed me as. I assure you that the moment my life starts an incline by your absence, my behavior will change. Please understand that it is not your job to monitor or maintain or correct my life. It is my life and my job to make it happy. The moment I feel that you are no longer in it, is the moment I decide that my life and my relationships will improve. The method you are deploying now is worse than suicide.

Sincerely,

Your Target

This is an unsent letter to my younger self. I wish I was informed of these types of disorders in school, as they seem so commonplace in society today.

I have no degree or certifications in psychology. I'm just a guy that has been knee deep in the abuse for over a decade, and horrified by the levels of malicious behavior, specifically manipulation.

I'm sure this article has been passed around a lot since it rings so true. I'm not sure of the original author but I can attest to it's accuracy from my own personal experience.

Number 1: Trauma bonding & Cognitive dissonance

This is by far the biggest one. Trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance are atypical signs or symptoms of trauma, not commonly seen in other trauma disorders. Trauma bonding is simply the addiction to the narcissist, where part of you knows who they are, yet another part is confused by the good memories and may want to go back, lacking full clarity to see the narcissist for who they truly are. Resolving trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance requires giving time for your brain to rewire itself, which can take at least eight months to create new neural pathways.

Number 2: Chronic self-doubt.

A narcissist is a master manipulator, skilled at convincing others, including you, that they are not the problem, but that you are the cause of every single issue in the relationship. This chronic self-doubt should resolve as you wake up to your reality, understand narcissistic abuse, and come to terms with the fact that the narcissist betrayed you from the very beginning of the relationship until the end.

However, if this chronic self-doubt becomes pervasive and doesn’t go away, no matter how much you study or talk about narcissistic abuse, it shows that your trauma is stuck. It goes beyond mere thoughts; it encompasses a cluster of sensations, emotions, and feelings such as shame, insecurities, and extreme self-criticism that the narcissist instilled in you. These feelings are stuck in your body, and talking alone may not be enough to release them.

You may need to engage in activities like AMdR (Accelerated Memory and Reprocessing) or brain sparring, which take you into your body to release this emotional burden and accept that you did not cause the problems in the relationship. This will help in healing your chronic self-doubt and allow you to regain your self-worth and confidence.

Number 3: Getting triggered easily & having intense flashbacks.

This is an obvious sign of trauma after narcissistic abuse. Emotional flashbacks are extreme emotional states that you experienced when you were with the narcissist, and they resurface when something triggers you in the present environment. Occasional triggers during events like weddings or funerals are normal, but if you continuously experience intense flashbacks, shame, chronic self-doubt, panic, anxiety, and paranoia even months or years after leaving the narcissist, it indicates that your body is still carrying the emotional wounds.

Your amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, has not undergone the proper recovery process and remains inflamed. This leads to heavy emotional dysregulation, and your window of tolerance, i.e., how much distress you can handle at a given moment, remains narrow. To address this, you need to work on stabilizing your nervous system. Learn how to sit with your emotions, release them properly, and prevent them from surfacing unexpectedly in situations where you are not prepared to face them. Healing your emotional wounds will help widen your window of tolerance and bring more emotional stability into your life.

Number 4: Extreme memory loss.

This is one of the most significant signs of trauma after narcissistic abuse. It may not always be extreme, but even mild memory loss can be observed. This means you might have difficulty remembering things, concentrating, focusing, or recalling day-to-day events. Such memory issues indicate that your brain might still be injured, and your hippocampus (responsible for memory processing) may still be affected. Memory consolidation, storage, and retrieval processes could be impacted as well.

To address this, you need to focus on your nervous system. It’s possible that you haven’t fully come out of the state of panic caused by the narcissistic environment. Although you’ve left the narcissist, your brain may still be affected. That’s why you might need to change some things. Engaging in activities and exercises that induce physical relaxation is essential for trauma healing. Muscular relaxation and staying in a relaxed state throughout your day can send signals to your nervous system that it is safe. This process can help you balance out your system and change the structure of your brain, shifting from surviving to thriving.

Number 5: Having Extreme Trust Issues.

It’s entirely understandable that you may struggle with trusting others for a considerable amount of time, given the betrayal you experienced from the narcissist. The betrayal you endured was of the worst kind, happening every single moment. Consequently, it becomes extremely difficult to be vulnerable with anyone who enters your life, be it friends, potential partners, or anyone with whom you can form an emotional connection.

However, with time, typically within a year, a year and a half, or two years at most, this issue should resolve. This doesn’t mean you should blindly trust people, of course not. Trusting while being relaxed yet vigilant is the key. It involves doing your due diligence, checking backgrounds, noticing patterns, and scanning for behavioral disruptions and incongruency. Still, at the same time, you should be open to trusting people if you find out they are trustworthy.

After leaving a narcissistic relationship, it’s common to become completely closed off to any form of connection. You may naturally get triggered when interacting with others, always wondering about their ulterior motives and what they want from you, even if they are not showing it. This protective thinking and coping mechanism should heal over time.

If you’re still struggling with trusting others even years after leaving the narcissist, it might be necessary to work on betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma is what keeps this moral wound alive, and it’s essential to process the sensations and experiences you felt while being with the narcissist, particularly when you discovered their betrayals. Betrayal doesn’t just mean being cheated on; it includes being lied to, gaslit, manipulated, and subjected to various forms of deception.

In conclusion, your body provides valuable information about your healing process and progress. It’s crucial to listen and pay attention, taking the feedback into account and making the necessary changes. That wraps up today’s article, and I hope you found it insightful. please don’t forget to share wherever you can. many thanks for reading.

I'm in my home alone with >101 degree fever from an infection that I brought back overseas. I'm hallucinating, talking to myself in my sleep in a pool of sweat, in excruciating pain and you guys just do nothing but continue to harass? Then, I see a bunch of mopes standing around the hospital like 800lb gorillas looking at their phones, into the sky, and then at me, as if they are in their natural habitats. Why are you all still in my life after destroying the fuck out of it? No one has come to the realization as to how much damage they have already done to a person, all on the whim of a vindictive middle aged woman hell bent on making her ex-husband's life a living hell? Guys, when does it end? When you push away the father of a teenage girl, and force him to leave his child and their home? Yeah, that's been proven to work well.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/7611849

To my person, V: Is this the accusation du jour? I find that amazing that you say that for someone that cannot stop litigating for custody of our child.

Aww po lil ole me. I'm angwy at da past. waaahhhhhhh

Angry no. I've accepted that which I cannot change and have become stronger.

I'm fighting for my future and anything I do going forward should be considered exactly for that purpose. Please don't disguise it as anything else.

Do you recall that cozy evening a year ago at my place? We set a serene ambiance with candles and delved into one of my beloved horror films, anticipating trick or treaters who never showed up. It warmed my heart to share that movie with you and to know you enjoyed it just as much. That night remains a favorite memory for me, and I'm grateful for your company that made it memorable. I often reflect on the bond we shared and how much we connected. How wonderful it would be to relive such moments. I cherish our memories and will always hold a special place for you in my heart. I hope life is [trick or] treating you kindly. 😍 😍 😍

To my person, V: Is this the accusation du jour? I find that amazing that you say that, for someone that cannot stop litigating issues. When do you draw the line. When is it when you realize that enough is enough?

Aww po lil ole me. I'm angwy at da past. waaahhhhhhh

Angry no. I've accepted that which I cannot change and have become stronger.

I'm fighting for my future and anything I do going forward should be considered exactly for that purpose. Please don't disguise it as anything else.

I'm good. Much better than before. I had a few meltdowns, but I'm getting along just fine. L never tried to contact me, so I guess that is where it stands. I think I finally found closure and it is with your help. The posts that you all made really helped me to get here. As I mentioned before, I hope you can help her and let her know that I will always keep an open door for her if she ever wants to reach out to say a proper goodbye. I know she will never see this.

This weekend was pivotal to my return to confidence. I was in a department store and there was this beautiful young Hispanic woman in a black dress with a perfect body working behind the counter. I had purchased something and she rang me up for the purchase.

I decided to perform an experiment. I returned the item I purchased and exchanged it for something else. She performed the return and we continually smiled at each other. She didn't take any of my information for the return, and I stated to her, "Oh. I was hoping that you would have taken my phone number for the return." She looked into my eyes and her smile grew wider as did mine, and she said, that I can return myself anytime that I wanted. She then went on to tell me that she works every Friday to Sunday. To leave a little bit of mystery, without asking for her contact info, I told her that I will be by next weekend to say hello. I owe it all to you guys in helping me get some closure and get my confidence back.

Thanks very much!

Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don’t listen to him. Remember that, do not listen.

Language: Aramaic

Community: Unsent Demons

Mia Carissima Bella Regina,

One of the most beautiful of all women I have had the pleasure to call my own, if only for a temporary moment in time. You were my first true crush and love. Your face and body, pure perfection, combining the purity of Vesta, with the allure and beauty of Venus.

My father would always call you Gina Lollobrigida, although we all knew you had more of the beauty of a young Sophia Loren. He always became so chatty when you were around, and was proud of me for such a catch.

I still remember the first time we met at the lake in Connecticut. I had opened the back door to see who was knocking, and there you were, absolute beauty. My heart started to pound through my chest. I thought I would have a heart attack at my young age. You turned bright red and in a panic you ran away. If one believes in love at first sight, this was truly such an event.

I remember our first date when I came to your home. Your father, a decorated police officer, first greeted me at the door, and with a stern look asked me to come in. He had all his awards and accommodations plastered throughout the house. He might have well been cleaning his shotgun in the kitchen, for all it mattered. We were on the couch in your basement. Thinking your father was lurking around every corner, I was too skittish to make my move to kiss you, and I bailed out at even the slightest thought of violating his daughter with a kiss. Do you recall cooking pasta for me and using tomato soup as the gravy? I knew you were 100% Italian by birth, but it was then that I realized that culinary expertise was not something automatically inherited by ethnicity. 😂

When we finally did kiss at my home by the pool side, it was heaven on earth and fireworks were in the air. I remember, you had almost fainted from the passion and you could hardly walk a straight line, and I could barely breath. It was the first time that I discovered how painful it was being away from someone and wanting them with such a desire that it churned my stomach and made me sick with love every single day I was not with you.

Despite the passion and desire, we never had the chance to make love until we were older, when we reunited. It was like heaven on earth when we did. Oh! how long awaited it was. When we were together, people would call us Ken and Barbie. We laughed when I mentioned that I had hoped the reference wasn't because of Ken's lack of lower appendages. 🤣

But there was someone else in the picture, and the day came, where you two stood in my backyard. If looks could kill, there would be two jealous Italian women that would tear each other apart just to have me. I have to admit, it felt really good, although I knew it was wrong. Neither of you looked at each other for long, but were courteous enough to pretend civility. I could see in your eyes that you both wished for the other's death and burial. My mother looked on in awe, questioning in her mind, when the eye gouging and clawing would begin.

Unfortunately, I chose her, and we were married. I wish I chose you. My life would have been so much better with you. I did hear that you were married as well, and with child, but your marriage ended in the same treacherous fate of deception that mine did. For that I am so sorry.

My mother did tell me you called the house to see how I was doing. I was long gone, and I moved 3000 miles away to escape the similar disaster that you experienced. There was too much pain to stay. I want to tell you that you almost gave my mother a coronary when you told her that your child looked like me. When she told me, I almost fell over and immediately started counting the years on my fingers, but it couldn't be true. I believe our child would have been the most beautiful in the world.

I want to thank you for all the experiences that you have given me. I will always cherish them. I hope our paths cross in the future. Perhaps I'll get a surprise email from you. Maybe I will attempt to send one myself to see how you are doing. I wish you the best in life, because I know you are a good person, and truly deserving of one.

Arrivederci bella signora

Come back to me, to entwine our bodies in passion, once again. I know you are there, lurking, watching, sending secret messages across the line when you see fit. I don't care who you have become. Whoever you are now, our bodies with the same desires, I accept you. Come to me in the night, throw a pebble at my window to wake me, and I will open my doors with my heart to give you everything of me. When I try to speak, you will put your finger on my lips to silence me. The stairs, a gateway to our love. We will relive those moments of passion that we cherished in the past, where we would stare deeply into each other's eyes, while we made love lasciviously. The sun is about to rise, and you leave, like a thief in the night, to take your love away from me once again, I will lay in bewilderment and dread, exhausted, and again, you make me want you even more than before.

Dear Timer Girl,

I yearn for the days when our love had a timed rhythm, a precision that brought structure to our lives, filling us with pride and contentment. You always had an eye on the prize, even when time pressed on us. And you always got the job done leaving me yearning for more. Those times with you are deeply missed. I thought we had more time. I was constantly on the move, always in haste. Whether it was meeting someone or rushing to the office, the pace was relentless. In this realm or the next, I vow to craft a device that halts time. Not to travel between eras, but to pause and cherish the moments with you that I once overlooked. I recognize this as my shortcoming and have come to terms with it. Your support during my darkest hours will always be remembered.

I want to buy you a guitar strung with thick flatwound strings that produce a resonant slapback echo. And there I'll be, trying to match your melody on the synthesizer. I can only wish can't I?

Love, Russian Boy

i kept thinking i'd hear from you. but now i'm anxious. my stomach is in knots. where are you? i want to know that you're okay, and more than okay. i want to be able to talk to you again, but i don't know if i'll ever get that chance. please just give me some kind of sign that you've heard me.

once upon a time, i had other interests. i used to read a lot. i used to spend time learning new things. but lately, i've been consumed by trying to understand you. instead of reading new things when i have free time, i find myself poring over the old things you've written, trying to discover and decipher every last trace of meaning. i wouldn't be surprised if half the things i inferred from your words were mere confabulations. but i can't really know either way now because we're lightyears away from each other and still travelling so fast away from the place where we collided, propelled by the force of that impact.

please let me know you're okay.

As I sit here, writing this letter in the quiet solitude of my room, my heart aches with a profound sadness that words alone cannot fully convey. There's a hollowness within me, an emptiness that only your presence can fill. I miss you more than words could ever express.

You may not know this, but every day without you feels like an eternity. Each morning, I wake up hoping to hear your laughter, see your bright smile, and share in the joy of your growing years. But instead, I often find myself immersed in the deafening silence of an empty house.

It's been so many long years since the day you came into my life. The day of your birth brought great happiness to me. I was overjoyed when I first saw you and a profound exhilaration came over me and I cried with happiness. I've watched you grow into a remarkable young person. Your curiosity, your kindness, your boundless energy—all of it has been a source of immeasurable pride and joy for me. And as you've grown, so has the love and admiration I hold for you.

Certain external actions, beyond my control, have cast shadows on our relationship. These circumstances have been a heavy burden on my heart, and I wish there was a way to shield you from the harsh realities of the world. Life sometimes takes us on unexpected journeys, and I desperately wish I could have shielded you from this particular one.

But now, circumstances have separated us, and I can't help but feel a deep longing to be with you, to hold you close and let you know just how much you mean to me. Often despite the fact that you are close to me physically, I feel that we have drifted miles apart as a result of these falsehoods. Life has a way of taking us down different paths, and sometimes those paths lead us away from the ones we cherish most.

Please know, my beloved daughter, that my love for you is unwavering and unconditional. No matter where life may lead us, that love remains a constant in my heart. I carry your laughter, your dreams, and your spirit with me every day no matter where our lives take us.

As you continue to grow into the amazing person I know you will become, remember to hold onto the love we share and the memories we've created together. Life may take us down different paths, but the bond between a father and his daughter can endure the greatest challenges.

Love, Your Dad

It was great to see you again. I forgot to thank you. Thank you for bringing these to my little one, just like you used to do in the past. I could never say you were not generous with your love. It's good to see that you are happy, following your dreams and staying healthy. I hope you find what you are looking for. 😘 😘 😘

In a world of digital traces, past love's glow, Still I log in, to a Netflix you bestow. Though our paths diverged, our love stories ended, Through episodes and films, our memories blended.

I ponder if she knows, or if she even cares, While I sneak into her realm, from my solitary lairs. It's not about the movies, or the series we've seen, But the moments we shared, in a digital dream.

So here's to the nights, with popcorn and thrill, To the love that once was, that time cannot kill. Of all things mysterious, one left me beguiled, The hue of her bicycle, wild and reviled.

I’ve seen it in passing, a blur and a gleam, But the shade of its paint remains but a dream. Is it vibrant and fiery, like roses in June? Or gentle and calming, like light of the moon?

So, in playful jest and in digital jesters, I posed her a challenge, among Netflix testers. “Make it a profile, that color so fine, Let the name of that shade in bold letters align.”

For each time I log in, and our choices entwine, I'll glimpse that secret color, and know it's a sign. A nod to our bond, in laughter and profile, The shade of her bicycle, shared for a while.

Dear Liliana,

You were like an angel, gracing my life from the heavens above. A refreshing breath of air, a serendipitous charm, always there at the right moment, especially after the disappointments of another failed marriage. Your presence in my life felt like a touch of good fortune. You became my muse when I desperately sought inspiration.

When I was alone, I was just an ordinary man, but with you by my side, our adventures were thrilling, like those of a CIA agent tracking Chinese spies. Your colorful hair, always a statement of your vibrant personality, turned heads wherever we went, and I swelled with pride to have you, hand in hand, by my side.

Our age difference never mattered to you. You would often declare, "age is just a number," eloquently arguing how trivial such differences were, especially in your homeland. Your perspective was a refreshing antidote to prevailing attitudes, and your words never ceased to captivate me, no matter how often repeated that "American's were so ridiculous for being so concerned with age".

You knew, and you helped me believe, that love transcends numbers, barriers, and judgments. Love was our shared language, and in our hearts, we spoke it fluently, embracing a connection that felt pure and timeless.

Do you recall our enchanting journey to Thailand? The thrill that coursed through our veins as we rode a moped together, recklessly weaving through the city's maze. Our hands intertwined, we strolled through night markets, eyes wide and hearts open as we explored trinkets and treasures. Those intimate dinners by the ocean's edge, the taste of romance flavored with salty sea air, are etched in my memory.

And who could forget the froggy pajamas you lovingly picked out for my little girl? Can you believe the way she cherishes them, still wearing them after all these years? Your bond with her was special, your goodness resonating with her youthful innocence. She remembers you, so vividly, to this day.

I can still see the two of you on my kitchen floor, joyfully pretending to be dogs, lost in a world of play and laughter. It filled me with such pride to know you, to see the love you brought into our lives, a love that transcended the ordinary and made even the simplest moments feel extraordinary.

I fondly remember the joy in your brother's eyes when he discovered you had found me. Your unique ability to appreciate the beauty in both men and women was something special we all recognized, though your father wished for a more conventional path for you. Eager to explore your desires I opted to pass on that when I saw your taste in women. We laughed when I told you that I just realized that you were not going to play the butch in the relationship. 😋

My Indonesian enchantress, with only one name. I'm sure your singular name helped evade capture from the spies of the night although they knocked on the walls and forced us to ingest their hallucinogenic rhetoric. You were the oxygen that necessitated my blood. You were the iron to my blood cell. You were the protein that binds my hemoglobin. Your cunning ingenuity made you a sought after asset that any lab would want to hire as their genius.

I was aware that our time together was limited. The thought that you would eventually return home to Indonesia after school hung over us, yet it never dulled the vibrance of our moments shared. And so, you did go back, leaving me to face the harsh realities and pain of an unrelenting divorce. You returned once more, a brief and shining interlude, only to go back to your homeland again. But in those transient moments, we found something lasting, something that time and distance couldn't erase.

After reaching out to you the other day, I find myself yearning for your friendship here. Your words, once again, were like a life-giving breath that revived my dropping spirit, pulling me from a dark place. At that moment, I felt vulnerable, weighed down by accusations and doubt, led to believe that I had failed in every role, as boyfriend, as husband, as father, as son. But you, without even knowing the full extent of my turmoil, swooped in like a guardian angel, lifting me from the wreckage of despair. Your reassurance of my goodness to you felt like a saving embrace, and for that, I thank you with all my heart. I find myself longing to continue what we once shared, and I earnestly hope you'll accept my invitation to meet again in Asia, so we can pick up where we left off, rediscovering the connection that once brought us so much joy and strength. But I know things are different now and that possibility would be slim if at all existent.

Thank you for the enchanting moments we shared, however brief they were. They've left a mark on my heart, and I find myself hoping that our paths will intertwine once again in the near future, reigniting the connection that once brought us such joy.

-Your old American Loverboy

To everyone I once told that I'd marry again, I must admit that I wasn't truthful. Perhaps it was peer pressure, or the sense of being in a group, but the reality is that I don't foresee myself marrying or having children again. Modern-day relationships seem fraught with pain, and many enter marriage for the wrong reasons, like family pressure or the allure of a big wedding. While it may suit some, it doesn't for many.

What I truly desire is a loving and trusting partner, someone who can be both a friend and a lover. I want someone without preconceived notions about marriage or family, who communicates their needs and is willing to make sacrifices, knowing I'll do the same.

It's vital that I share this perspective at the onset of any future relationship. My apologies.

In stolen moments, my thoughts would drift to you, but lately, those fleeting memories have become a continuous symphony and I find myself in absolute nostalgia of what we once had. You were the radiant soul who unlocked my heart, you helped open my mind and led me to understand a different type of love. After my last misfortune in romance you offered your warmth, guiding me Westward. My delicate half-Asian enchantress, you were a fire that ignited from the depths of Texas, your drawl a siren's song that left me intoxicated.

A pang of jealousy would stir within me at the sight of your grace, the way others were drawn to your sweet and playful charm. My love for you was all-consuming; I cherished everything about you, from your dainty feet to the sensual mole on your lip.

Our meeting was a magical affair, a night by the ocean where you appeared, an ethereal angel amongst mortals. Excitement and hope blossomed within me, a desperate wish that fate would weave our lives together. And it did, for a cosmic coincidence linked our worlds through a friend, a sibling, with common causes linked by a distance of thousands of miles. Shy and constrained, I found solace in your playful openness that enchanting night.

You taught me to embrace life's luxuries, to open my rigid mind and to journey West and discover new realms within myself. I still recall our extravagant escape to New Yawwk (as you would playfully mock me), at that expensive hotel and the beautiful two shirts that you bought me that were the best I've ever had in my life. I want you to know that I would pay 10 times that amount just to relive one of those nights that we shared together. You taught me how to enjoy life , and you were my Westward journey to the love in my heart.

In the quiet chambers of my heart, I often drift back to our enchanting journey to San Francisco. Do you, too, remember the wind's gentle serenade, dancing through the windows of our hotel, caressing the curtains as we lay entwined in dreams? It seemed as if that wind was whispering love songs into our ears, determined to be an everlasting memory, and indeed it has.

Oh, how the romantic sound of the trolley's bell would greet us each morning, a constant melody to our love, whether we wished to hear it or not. And that one night, my love, when our words tangled in a passionate duel, do you remember how the fire in our eyes turned into a storm of kisses and tender embraces? How quickly and passionately we reconciled, turning what could have been a bitter moment into a cherished memory. It seemed as if the argument was but a prelude to a sweeter connection, making the fight an unforeseen blessing, a gateway to a deeper, more profound love.

We were able to accept each other's flaws, but there was one issue that became our breaking point and fueled many of our arguments. This issue was deeply personal to me, something I had grappled with for most of my life, and it created turmoil between us.

Your mother, a truly wonderful person, was someone I turned to for advice on this matter. She was aware of the problem and advised me to do what was best for myself. Perhaps it was her way of showing tough love, recognizing similar issues in her two children and hoping for a change in them.

I now realize it was wrong for me to give you an ultimatum on this subject, and I should have resisted the pressure from family. On the night that became a symbol of our downfall, after a heated argument, I let pride get in the way of supporting you when you were in trouble. That evening's events, on a cruel cold day in March, I left you to fend for yourself, and for that, I never forgave myself.

You sought me out after our argument, only to find yourself in deeper trouble. The guilt of that incident still lingers with me, and it's a lesson I sadly failed to learn from, as I later allowed something similar to happen to a friend in need, more than a decade later during the month of March.

Oh, the sting of memories from the breakup with the one I loved the most continues to torment me. There's one memory in particular that I wish I could erase: my birthday, when you spotted us together in the restaurant where you were dining alone, no doubt recalling the times we used to spend there. The restaurant we so often frequented together is now gone, and we had already parted ways by then, but the painful memory and guilt of that day will haunt me forever.

How could I have been so thoughtless as to bring another woman to a place where we once shared such cherished memories? You showed incredible strength, sitting there and finishing your meal as if nothing had happened. My heart ached to run to you, to profess my love and beg your forgiveness, but I was weak, and I knew it wouldn't have been right.

I should have kept that place sacred for us. I should have been there to help you overcome your problem. I should have ignored the trivial opinions of others. The weight of those "should haves" bears heavily on my conscience, and I am filled with regret.

And so, our paths have diverged, leaving me to reflect on what feels like a quindecennial waste of time. Your social media page, unchanged for 15 years, remains as a haunting tribute to you. It details your engagement to a musician shortly after our breakup, and then, silence. No updates about a joyous marriage or the birth of children; it stands as a testament to your existence and then a sudden halt.

I often hope that this absence is a sign of your contentment, that you've been too busy with family and a fulfilling life to update the page. But a lingering fear gnaws at me, the fear that something terrible may have happened to you. The thought of hearing about any misfortune fills me with dread, and it would break my heart to learn of such news.

I genuinely wish that you have experienced the best that life has to offer, and I thank you for the precious time we shared. You are truly unforgettable, a woman without a single ill intention, who simply yearned for love. You are the last of the best that I have shared memories with.

I thank you and hold onto the hope that our paths may one day cross again. Please know that the memories we created together will always remain with me, a bittersweet reminder of what once was.

With love, Your East-Coaster

To all the people I know that have lost respect of themselves and others:

It's funny how I'm criticized for being angry and nasty by folks on reddit. Do you see where the comments are coming from? They are coming from criminals and a criminal that hired them. The criminal that hired them has no regard for safety of children. She says let's take a chance and throw fate up to the wind in order to destroy this person, because of what he is and what he does or my perception of what he's done to me. It's does not matter that I am the trigger for what he does. As long as I can destroy him, my life will be complete.

You treat each other like shit, and sometimes you treat your own family like garbage. You take better care of your dogs. Then you insult and and degrade with your passive aggressive attitude. You wield manipulation as thought it was a dagger. There is no mankind or civility or humanity in you vocabulary. There is no honor or loyalty. It's just you and your selfish behaviours. My anger is directed at your lack of civility towards your family, your neighbor, your lover. It disgusts me and makes me want to hide from the stench.

The final time our paths crossed, it was a summer night, and a damp mist hung in the air, causing the ground to be wet and slippery. As I stood in front of my apartment, I nearly slipped headfirst on the stairs, my heart weighed down by the pain of what had transpired. I had fled from our meeting place, unable to endure the emotions any longer. I couldn't fathom why you were there that night, torn between feelings for two individuals.

Despite the hardships we faced, I learned of his passing and want to express my condolences. I know he left behind three children, and I hope they find strength during this difficult time. As for our past, I remember the feelings of guilt and resentment that once consumed us. However, I eventually found it in my heart to forgive both of you and hold you in high regard.

During our divorce and custody battle, my ex-wife resorted to questionable tactics, including calling your restaurant to gather information about me. I was touched to hear that you and J stood firmly against providing any harmful details, offering only the best things to say about me. Your support meant the world to me, and I am still grateful for your actions to this day. It was a testament to your integrity and loyalty, and I couldn't have been prouder of both of you. Thank you for being there for me in those challenging times.

My first ex-wife, you were truly remarkable with your photographic memory and ability to excel in every subject with just a single hour of study. Your culinary skills were unmatched, and you always prepared my favorite dishes with love. Despite your brilliance, you asked for very little and never made any demands.

Your dedication to helping children with learning disabilities was truly honorable, and your intelligence played a crucial role in helping me pass the toughest test I had ever faced. Your compassion and empathy were unmatched, and I haven't encountered anyone quite like you in decades.

While I wish I could have done better to prevent our relationship from ending, I will always cherish the wonderful memories you gave me during our 12 years together. Thank you for being a significant part of my life and for the love and joy you brought into it.

Gene,

It's been ages since we've seen each other. I do hope you get this. Do you still work for that tiny little law firm in LA? I hope you're doing well.

I'm sending this to you because I may have seen you on the road a couple of days ago. Well actually, it was at a rest stop really early in the morning and you were with a couple of men. I was a bit concerned about what you were up to there so late. Me and my hubby were trying to get some sandwiches but everything was closed. You looked a little wired and you were chain smoking, if you know what I mean. I didn't want to disturb what was going on there. What was going on there?

Are you still in the business of hunting people having sex in cars? I remember you and I used to go from one car to another to see if there was anything strange going on. We'd take our high beams and just blow the hell out of their faces. It was pretty crazy but we were young back then. You've gotten big and you're still smoking I see. Well, the best of luck to you and tell J I said hello. Let's do lunch the three of us.

Abigail