This is an unsent letter to my younger self. I wish I was informed of these types of disorders in school, as they seem so commonplace in society today.
I have no degree or certifications in psychology. I'm just a guy that has been knee deep in the abuse for over a decade, and horrified by the levels of malicious behavior, specifically manipulation.
I'm sure this article has been passed around a lot since it rings so true. I'm not sure of the original author but I can attest to it's accuracy from my own personal experience.
Number 1: Trauma bonding & Cognitive dissonance
This is by far the biggest one. Trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance are atypical signs or symptoms of trauma, not commonly seen in other trauma disorders. Trauma bonding is simply the addiction to the narcissist, where part of you knows who they are, yet another part is confused by the good memories and may want to go back, lacking full clarity to see the narcissist for who they truly are. Resolving trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance requires giving time for your brain to rewire itself, which can take at least eight months to create new neural pathways.
Number 2: Chronic self-doubt.
A narcissist is a master manipulator, skilled at convincing others, including you, that they are not the problem, but that you are the cause of every single issue in the relationship. This chronic self-doubt should resolve as you wake up to your reality, understand narcissistic abuse, and come to terms with the fact that the narcissist betrayed you from the very beginning of the relationship until the end.
However, if this chronic self-doubt becomes pervasive and doesn’t go away, no matter how much you study or talk about narcissistic abuse, it shows that your trauma is stuck. It goes beyond mere thoughts; it encompasses a cluster of sensations, emotions, and feelings such as shame, insecurities, and extreme self-criticism that the narcissist instilled in you. These feelings are stuck in your body, and talking alone may not be enough to release them.
You may need to engage in activities like AMdR (Accelerated Memory and Reprocessing) or brain sparring, which take you into your body to release this emotional burden and accept that you did not cause the problems in the relationship. This will help in healing your chronic self-doubt and allow you to regain your self-worth and confidence.
Number 3: Getting triggered easily & having intense flashbacks.
This is an obvious sign of trauma after narcissistic abuse. Emotional flashbacks are extreme emotional states that you experienced when you were with the narcissist, and they resurface when something triggers you in the present environment. Occasional triggers during events like weddings or funerals are normal, but if you continuously experience intense flashbacks, shame, chronic self-doubt, panic, anxiety, and paranoia even months or years after leaving the narcissist, it indicates that your body is still carrying the emotional wounds.
Your amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, has not undergone the proper recovery process and remains inflamed. This leads to heavy emotional dysregulation, and your window of tolerance, i.e., how much distress you can handle at a given moment, remains narrow. To address this, you need to work on stabilizing your nervous system. Learn how to sit with your emotions, release them properly, and prevent them from surfacing unexpectedly in situations where you are not prepared to face them. Healing your emotional wounds will help widen your window of tolerance and bring more emotional stability into your life.
Number 4: Extreme memory loss.
This is one of the most significant signs of trauma after narcissistic abuse. It may not always be extreme, but even mild memory loss can be observed. This means you might have difficulty remembering things, concentrating, focusing, or recalling day-to-day events. Such memory issues indicate that your brain might still be injured, and your hippocampus (responsible for memory processing) may still be affected. Memory consolidation, storage, and retrieval processes could be impacted as well.
To address this, you need to focus on your nervous system. It’s possible that you haven’t fully come out of the state of panic caused by the narcissistic environment. Although you’ve left the narcissist, your brain may still be affected. That’s why you might need to change some things. Engaging in activities and exercises that induce physical relaxation is essential for trauma healing. Muscular relaxation and staying in a relaxed state throughout your day can send signals to your nervous system that it is safe. This process can help you balance out your system and change the structure of your brain, shifting from surviving to thriving.
Number 5: Having Extreme Trust Issues.
It’s entirely understandable that you may struggle with trusting others for a considerable amount of time, given the betrayal you experienced from the narcissist. The betrayal you endured was of the worst kind, happening every single moment. Consequently, it becomes extremely difficult to be vulnerable with anyone who enters your life, be it friends, potential partners, or anyone with whom you can form an emotional connection.
However, with time, typically within a year, a year and a half, or two years at most, this issue should resolve. This doesn’t mean you should blindly trust people, of course not. Trusting while being relaxed yet vigilant is the key. It involves doing your due diligence, checking backgrounds, noticing patterns, and scanning for behavioral disruptions and incongruency. Still, at the same time, you should be open to trusting people if you find out they are trustworthy.
After leaving a narcissistic relationship, it’s common to become completely closed off to any form of connection. You may naturally get triggered when interacting with others, always wondering about their ulterior motives and what they want from you, even if they are not showing it. This protective thinking and coping mechanism should heal over time.
If you’re still struggling with trusting others even years after leaving the narcissist, it might be necessary to work on betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma is what keeps this moral wound alive, and it’s essential to process the sensations and experiences you felt while being with the narcissist, particularly when you discovered their betrayals. Betrayal doesn’t just mean being cheated on; it includes being lied to, gaslit, manipulated, and subjected to various forms of deception.
In conclusion, your body provides valuable information about your healing process and progress. It’s crucial to listen and pay attention, taking the feedback into account and making the necessary changes. That wraps up today’s article, and I hope you found it insightful. please don’t forget to share wherever you can. many thanks for reading.
