yeah.

wanna ride bmx to the dock and break windows with me? we'll hit the circle k and grab slushees.

i just want to be held by safe people who remember what they did to us in the past. someone who'll cry with me, still.

I have felt so ashamed of my scars, lumps, fat, and age. I'm working on loving myself even at 55. If I can post thru all that dysphoria and csa/sa shame, just hanging my vulnerability out, then maybe someone else will try to love themselves even harder. No body is shameful. No one should have to carry what we do. It's cruel to do that to ourselves or one another. It's gonna be okay, bbs. You are all the most beautiful people in the world. I love you. 😍🫂💪🤳 thanks for reading this love letter. - Opal

as i expand service i have included in-community work but with some caveats to make my engagement here in Seattle and online be less transactional in-community with the goal being fully pro-bono for non-sexual teatimes and therapeutic roleplay. i have a significant number of younger trans women and trans femmes wanting services that aren't something anyone should need to pay to receive if they are in our community. i serve other's needs far less important. being loved and having care shown should be free. in my personal life, it's free. if you sit with me on the street i will love you right back.

that all being said I have a question for the world of trans people needing intimacy and considering talking with a fssw; what would you want non-sexually? like cuddling or sleepovers or loving touch? i already do teatime and some basic mommy roleplay and those are non-sexual with me gently enforcing return to those boundaries. i admit my need to nurture others and im hoping this also addresses my mommy dysphoria. i am almost a client as much as any trans person who is looking for my services. its a formalism because of this unique situation. i dont really know what else to do. i cannot have so many relationships without systematizing and i am not interested in exploiting a need that is common in our community. even if folks bring it right to me, asking. we are all so shaped by sacrificing ourselves and our bodies for love and intimacy.

i put on a grey wig and took some pictures and i caught trans people. more than i could have known i might catch.

**** edit Of course you can DM me, bbs! This is a sensitive and personal question.

If you like to serve, serve me.

I found a stick. It's a pretty good stick. Say heyyy if you're trans and like a good stick. If you don't like sticks or prefer something else keep it to yourself. This is a stick appreciative space.

Fuck my butt.

just dont die. that's it. it will be confusing. dont hurt yourself if you feel alone. try to wait until you have some time to think and feel in a safe place. it's not your fault either. life is real hard sometimes and we are so soft and our lives are fleeting. we can break. things are not like everyone says. hang on, bbs. it might be a daily struggle to figure out what is happening inside and why but you can do it. you might not feel like you have a gender or a new feeling comes up that is unrecognizable and foreign. it can be much more confusing with loss of time and sense of identity assaulted but just hang on. hang on. hang on. im real sad rn and so confused myself but i can say that im holding on. just hold on.

Guess who was judiciously kicked from said trans discord? 🤡 look at me dance!

OK. Enough fooling around. Tell me, what you are doing and gonna do to fix, break, or grow anything at all?

My post about living in the forest, it got worse there.

I tried. In tried to call-in the folks who rescued me from the street and from their own volunteer host. None have the bandwidth for friendship with me. It wasn't until my interaction with the relocation group ended in a spectacular way did a meeting about restorative justice get scheduled. I wrote my victim statement.

No one calls me. No one believes me but my therapist. These rescuers aren't my friends like they say. No sisters showed up as friends and once aid ended ive been slowly ignored. Everyone is sick or busy. I'm just a rescue. I don't rate even tho it was their volunteer host. I heard "we told the whispernet" and general radio silence until I pushed to call-in anyone at all across my own network. One stranger replied but seemed unreliable. Another org member decided nah. The meeting was not inclusive. It left me feeling empty. It felt like I was there to convince them it happened. It's taken time to digest that I'm just another driver of policy and not a person here.

I finally cracked today and dropped 2 victim statements in a local trans activist discord. The one from Utah and the one here.

My daily life is now worse than in Utah. I'm in transitional housing that was misrepresented and I'm harassed every day in my room or in the shared spaces. My harasser calls the FBI every day to report me for gender terrorism. I should have killed myself in Utah like I planned.

I'm not going to try again. I'm ending my mutual aid and direct action. Folks I helped fucked us over by returning to Indiana and compromising their safehouse. I deleted almost everything. I need to find someone who will take Bear.

Between now and then, if you are in relocation spaces in the PNW or in the u.s. and want the statement I will provide it on request and vetting so act soon. If you know folks in these spaces, there are many, tell them too. These people are planning a trans refuge here. I'm alone hanging my ass out on this one until I wrap up. No one is standing with or beside me and I'm done standing alone.

Never fucking forget that justice delayed is justice denied. Ask yourselves why Huerta didn't disclose and who benefited from her silence. I don't even come close her caliber. I'm just some random asshole.

I'm using my voice one last time. The fuckers in the forest are watching this account.

Mir, Jess, you both are hunks of shit.

• Opal Wild

everything is a rope.