Prazosin helps me there. Also helps nightmares and night terrors which is why it was prescribed for me.
For telling the manager i wouldn't cook burgers that had been in a reach-in that was broken-hot for 12 hours. Then my mother kicked me out because I didn't have a job.
Is this the time to bring up mouthfeel?
I'm not. Homeless, trans, old, disabled. I am the fuckin news. I take my meds and do my best to keep an even keel but sanity is long gone. LOL @ DOOMSCROLLING wtf eat good and enjoy your pillow and hug your friends if you still got any. its not your fault. i love you. be safe everybody.
They should know I'm gonna die in the street. They should watch.
i aint enriching shit. sounds like work. pay me.
giving away foot pics. smh. you should at least put up your venmo or something. get that cash money
Did you know that if you don't want to dip your nuts in poop water you can just not have balls? You can just not have balls if you want.
Not at all. In almost every space I'm the wrong kind of queer and trans. Disabled, homeless, not passing in any way, and old. Fuck this state and fuck these privileged, exclusionary ablest, and classist assimilationists. Community? Doesn't fucking exist.
dang. poor guy. i cant get a job anywhere in IT and I was a greenfield and brownfield systems architect making a presidential salary. i have worked for a japanese zaibatsu, in education i was responsible for the architecture and implementation of a ~18mm public project, and "in finance" (pls kill me) and startups. i have over 3 decades of experience and ill tell you the struggle is real especially since 47 took office the first time. non-passing transsexuals are chopped off the block every time now. cant even get a job in labor because of my age coupled with the physical disability that made me leave the server rooms behind. now im a destitute homeless sex worker that cant even do that well because of my age and the hostility toward me where i live. strong young white men are now deeply affected and making the papers. vulnerable and marginalized people dont stand a fuckin chance. no one listened to the trans and look at them now.
i was invited to stay at this guy's house by a supposed anarchist running a pride-union support group. he behaved very strangely but i ignored the red flags because doing activism is difficult and folks need to unpack their phobias, internalized and otherwise. none of us are without some bigotry or bias.
week 3, he confesses he is actively suicidal. i suggest he could turn over his firearms to me. he does. i am also actively suicidal so i gave the parts to his friend.
then, recently, he confessed to aggravated sexual assault. his victim was sleeping. he blamed his victim twice. this fucker refused to give me any details except that one other person knew and that he had not made amends or been held accountable socially or otherwise. all those red flags dropped into place bigger than before. i went to his trans partner and told them and then i lost my shit bad.
a complete lack of empathy for others. centers himself and his feelings. no concern for the impact of his behavior on others. learned helplessness. barely suppressed rage. resentment towards those he has been doing direct action with and for. zero self-awareness. zero agency. repeatedly talks about union martyrs and their statues. pretends to listen. has no concern for the horrible dynamic he created and how i am a gender-dysphoria and medically papered american homeless transsexual hooker and he is a well-connected american white cis man in positions of power and influence in union and pride spaces. he lies to everyone all the time. the lies by assent and omission are the most glaring. his facade is a lie by commission.
he never seems to have an idea for activism on his own. he creeps around this house like he doesnt want to be perceived. he has zero life outside of the activism save the bar and the apps. good can be done by evil and fuck anyone who excuses abuse because someone provides some resources to the unsheltered and tables at pride events for unions. he is a menace.
its clear to me that his partner, some of the support group attendees, and myself were being used for his narcissistic validations and to seek absolution. i broke down. these are people i have started friendships with and care about. he knew i am a SA survivor with abusers that were gay men like him and decided to tell me anyway. he had me all fucked up and i let him have it. all my past shit came flooding back and i reproached, chided, berated, insulted, and was mean as fuck to him. i know he's sick but fuck this guy. a sexually assaulting fraud purposefully exploiting vulnerable people and groups.
im barricading the door at night. i made a fork lock to help make it more difficult to enter and give me time to grab my jack handle. im burning down every avenue he has to continue abusing folks or get in positions of power locally. this weekend i am going to tell a group of activists about his sexual assault, it's severity, and his exploitative behavior towards me. the only justice he will see is social justice. he fucked with the wrong tranny.
im not a pussy and i survive so fuck this guy for looking and finding me and killing what little trust i had. fuck him for making my paranoia bloom. fuck him for his betrayal of my goodwill and support for his activism. he has done good but he is also an asshole of monumental proportions who will just use people for his own emotional needs.
shit's fucked yo. this is my life and fuck it. i cant curtail these nihilistic feelings and thoughts right now and i dont care to. im all fucked up and i dont care about what happens to me anymore. how can i do anarchism now? i dont believe in anything and im deep in survival mode. the meaning ive found in life were my relationships with folks and i cant imagine i will have another one with any degree of trust. im old and tired and fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. FUCK RESTORATIVE JUSTICE I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER THAT PATHETIC FUCK IDGAF FUCK YOU DONT @ ME
I made a hundred bucks. I didn't have to sleep in my car last night. I am still alive and warm. I ate a fast food hamburger. I had a great yoyo practice sesh. I saw the sun behind the clouds. There was a squirrel on the fence. I gave cats some scritches. I made it thru the night of active ideation. I took my pills as well as my estradiol shot. I felt genuine relief and a cosmic gratitude that my counselor is moving to colorado so he will be safe. I saw a robin on a roof peak in perfect silhouette. I remembered some good things and good times. My belly was full. I didn't faint again. I felt grateful for having some celebrex. I stood up for myself and a friend who was close. I did my best.
My mother kicked me out on my 18th birthday for not being employed. This was the second time with the first being at 14. I was an autistic, queer, CSA, COCSA, and DV survivor at 14. I'm now an unhoused trans evacuee and refugee with no understanding of what healthy family or community looks or feels like. I'm now being helped by a wonderful trans community in Seattle that I can't fathom even though I'm being loved and supported.
The folks talking about building resilient children don't know shit. I'm resilient as fuck because I've survived a hellish existence but I'm *far from healthy even though ive had 35ish years of intensive counseling for CPTSD and trauma. Caring for your kids for their whole lives should be the default because you fucking made them. If they turn out to be helpless and narcissistic assholes who do nothing to contribute that's not because of generous support but because of nature and nurture. With the latter being due to acting as if your children are beyond reproach.
Not giving kids full support is evil and the major reason why I'm a broken whore in my 50s. Not caring for our children is why humans have created this global nightmare we are all living thru now. The culture of rugged individualism is so toxic that people scar children in a way from which they will never fully recover. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse and cultural decay. /rant
tldr: YOU'RE FINE. KEEP LOVING YOUR KID. <3