thanks margot!

i really appreciate you taking the time out of your normally-busy schedule to just be in the river of shit with the rest of us. really makes us feel like our trudge work is worth some respect.

loved you in barbie, btw.

jesus fuck i cannot wait for these old bags to fucking croak and take their outdated logic with them.

*makes fat lonely incel fumbling sounds*

“mMmMm yeTh tHe FeMmoOidS”

let me guess, you’re a really nice guy?

bethesda announces game concept.

people freak.

bethesda announces game. 

people hype.

bethesda starts hyping the game.

people go fucking nuts hyping the game as a result. their social media team plants those seeds to make it look organic.

a year or more of speculation occurs.

todd howard being his little schmuck self comes out and boasts about their new game.

people lose their god damn minds.

whispers of shitty gameplay start occurring closer to launch.

the masses tell those people to fuck off how could they know, dishonest review etc etc.

the big names in game reviews all review it and give it out of the park amazing reviews.

people go batshit crazy. people are out in the streets killing their parents for a chance at the new bethesda god game.

the game is released and is somewhat playable but jesus fuck is it lacking, it’s buggy, and every character looks like they’ve been updated from skyrim graphics of yore. the story sucks. the game play is empty but goddamn is there a lot to explore.

everyone rushes in like a madman.

everyone realizes the gameplay sucks.

people start bitching.

others say “oh don’t worry, DLC and user created mods will fill the game out nicely.”

years pass.

the unpaid modding community pours their heart and soul into making the game not fucking suck.

after all the DLC has come out (all with mostly positive or mixed reviews on steam) the game will go dark for a year or so.

todd howard wakes from his capitalist vampire coma needing fresh life force. the blood money of his unsuspecting idiot fans.

todd howard makes it into the office and says we could make a new game or we can milk this game for the next decade and a half. quick come up with names to rerelease the game under. game of the year edition. complete edition. master edition. elite edition. remastered. remastered complete. anything works!

over the course of the next three decades, todd howard is fed the blood of bethesda’s fan base.

he is swollen, like a fat tick upon his harkonen throne, waiting to burst.

“the people. they call for a NEW game”, he says, a devilish sneer contorts his face.

and the cycle continues.

and these fucking idiots. every goddamn time.

i’m not even gay and id buttfuck a twink just to stick it to the man. then i would claim it’s not romantic because i’m not gay so how could i feel romance toward another male.

checkmate

yes those silly comic book artists leaving their webcomic title in the lower left, just as the old school methods required thanks to tesla inventing social media

“perfect for 3am chats in the kitchen with your sleep paralysis demon and all its buddies. the slight daytime shade easily hides the 100 year old blood stains in the hardwood floor, so you can’t even see the pentagram! very roomy!”

arrest them and form a completely redrawn map.

fuck them at this point. like “aha! we refuse! checkMATE!”? bitch please.

to know all the answers is… forbidden knowledge

“oh your son of god died on a cross and now you gotta wear it on your chest and plaster your car? it was 2000 years ago get over it!”

that’s a spicy take rudy.

also my favorite part of the entire article is “guliani doesn’t elaborate on other instances when the red sea was parted”

like, obviously, but this felt so needlessly hilarious to add in as a detail in the article

me laughing at people silly enough to get diablo 4

i worked for a hybrid hosting and cloud provider that was partnered with Electronic Arts for the SimCity reboot.

well half way through they decided our cloud wasn’t worth it, and moved providers. but no one bothered to tell all the outsourced foreign developers that they were on a new provider architecture.

all the shit storm fail launch of SimCity was because of extremely shitty code that was meant to work on one cloud and didn’t really work on another. but they assumed hurr hurr all server same.

so you guys got that shit launch and i knew exactly why and couldn’t say a damn thing for YEARS