thank you, my handsome boyfriend ❤️

thank you, my family 💕

thank you, strangers 🧡

thank you, friends 💛

my life has been so great because of you. i think this is my time. my own self-preservation instincts kicked in, that’s the only reason im not dead yet.

i love you, i love you. thank you, thank you, thank you thank you thank you 🙏 😊 ❤️

people move around a lot. plus, i heard a lot of french people have taken ancestry dna tests and have gotten most of it in england and northwestern europe. i’ve also heard that in france, most dna testing like this is illegal.

like “supporting” someone with adhd but hating them and believing they should be shunned or treated differently for interrupting others, not paying attention, and not being able to sit still, rather than try to help them or tell them not to interrupt the conversation.

or “supporting” deaf people but getting mad because they only talk sign language and can’t hear what you say.

I have quite a few disorders and i’ve been talked abt and treated like shit for it, and not just because I have the disorder but because im different. I don’t fit in anywhere and never will.

all of my “friends” talk shit abt me and my disabilities, and then one person is always like “oh yeah, this person said this about you and they hate that you can’t pay attention, and that person says you should jump off a cliff!”

I asked what we meant and she replied with: “no wonder you don’t know”

then I said if she wanted to be, and that if she didn’t want me to talk to her then I wouldn’t

i have heard this a lot with downright cruelty or bullying. i’ve talked to someone and they have said “they could just be having a bad day!!”

you may think you’re helping if you say this, but it doesn’t help in my opinion.

i’m definitely starting to like men more again. while i wouldn’t mind dating a woman, i found them pretty, and would probably say yes if they asked me out, what if i’m really just a straight woman who only likes men?? :,)

(im aware preference can be fluid, i just wonder if i really do like women)

it doesn’t mean i can’t be taken care of just because im autistic.

it’s not my fault i got hurt for years as a child.

i’m not less than human just because im bi and autistic.

i know you say “people” hate me, that my friends don’t like my interests and see me as lesser. it can’t be that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, EVEN MY CLOSE FRIENDS hate me. this is why no one likes you. they like me and told me they never said that so thanks for dying to make me feel bad. EVEN ADULTS.

i know it’s YOU WHO FEELS THAT WAY. WHAT A SHAME. truly sick how people act toward those who are different.

at around 16ftm, i had a group of online friends i interacted with. i also showed a lot of signs of bipolar and still do.

my one friend ryan (17m) told me to shut the fuck up, stop complaining, “just get help already” (i had therapy) and said people with mental illness were just burdens.

ryan also seemed hypocritical to me because he would say things like that but would also CONSTANTLY talk about how depressed he was and that life is just suffering, etc.

he then told me his behavior towards me was because he takes the “tough love” approach. he also proceeded to ghost me and made excuses for his behavior because of his depression, which he also said was tough love.

furthermore, i had a few online friends (19m, 23m, 30m?)

19m was just a friend of my friend (who also happens to be my ex, at the time 17m)

23m had common interests like games and tv shows with me

30m was someone i occasionally talked to, neurodivergent and didn’t have many friends nor knew how to make any. i was the only person he talked to and i would draw for him due to him not having time to do it himself.

ryan and his friends told me i was being sa’d, in fact, severely so, but i was too naive and liked them too much to realize and that it was their job as friends to protect me.

this gave me an extreme breakdown as they repeatedly shamed me for who i interacted with, didn’t really care about what i had to say sometimes, and accused random people of being sa’d when i have actually BEEN sa’d in the past.

i told them i don’t need them to take care of me as i could control who i talked to and if any of them tried anything like that, i’d block them.

be it romantic, friendly, or even sexual harassment, my abuser said i wasn’t even good enough to be sexually harassed.

that i’m autistic and therefore less than human, an animal, a child. i shouldn’t have relationships as a “child” and i’m not even attractive enough or deserving of being kissed, touched, or pat on the shoulder in a friendly gesture.

that i never had to worry abt sexual harassment because i was that gross and autistic.

you don’t deserve an ounce of my respect, love, or sympathy.

you hurt me for so long for years and triggered my ptsd. i hate you and people should stop sympathizing with you and feeling bad for you.

I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANNA FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN. PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW HARSH I WAS TO YOU BUT YOU FUCKING SUCK. YOU VILE SCUM OF THE EARTH.

YOU DON’T DESERVE THE SMALLEST MEASUREMENT OF MY KINDNESS OR MERCY OR ANYTHING.

YOU SEE ME AS LESS THAN HUMAN AND WANT TO HURT ME. YOU MAKE MY DISABILITY MY WHOLE IDENTITY. YOU SAY I’M RETARDED. YOU CALL ME TOO DISGUSTING TO BE ATTRACTIVE OR HAVE PHYSICAL AFFECTION SHOWN TO ME.

YOU’RE FIXATED ON INTERACTING WITH MY FRIENDS AND TRY TO BRAINWASH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR OBLIVIOUS BRAINS. YOU SAY NICE PEOPLE ARE EASY TARGETS BECAUSE THEY’RE STUPID. YOU SAY I’M TOO NICE. YOU PRAISE ME THEN DISCARD ME.

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE THE GOOD IN YOU. I. DON’T. CARE IF YOU HAD A BAD FUCKING DAY BECAUSE YOU’RE ABUSIVE AND YOU DON’T’ ABUSE PEOPLE ON BAD DAYS. WHAT IF YOU BEAT ME TO A PULP. “BAD DAY” HUH?

i think of how an abusive bully might see a dog and how it’s comparable to how they see me. weak, submissive, “stupid”, loves the person no matter what and obedient till the end.

to them, at least, i’ll always be seen as stupid for my kindness. a (r-slur) less than human.

a child mentally much younger than 18 despite acting my age and functioning as someone my age.

i have ptsd and some of her behavior triggers it. not only is part of my trauma being repeatedly discriminated against but shes repeatedly done this for years after i formed a bond and later a trauma bond with her.

no more chances. i hate her. she doesn’t deserve an ounce of my forgiveness or love or empathy. she refuses to change. she abused me for years.

i hope she suffers from guilt or consequences for years.