Hi all! I'm a trans woman who's known since I was a kid. My classmates brought up the topic of being trans once in class, and I remember mentioning my desire to "maybe become a woman when I grow up", as I put it. I can't remember the reaction clearly, but I must've been pretty put off since I didn't attempt to talk about it for quite a while after.
Fast forward to me being about 14. I get a deep episode of dysphoria and instead of hiding away like I usually would, I go to my mother, entirely pale in the face. We talk a bit in private and the only thing I can get out of my mouth is that I don't feel like a boy. She takes it as me not feeling like I live up to the gender norms and tries to solve that. Meanwhile I can't keep talking. My brain stops producing words at all and I just can't say anything.
This happens a lot of times over the years every time my mother asks me to buy new clothes for myself, every time the same complete shutdown. I really just want to continue working this out, and I'm in desperate need of new clothes, since I haven't bought any in years. I hate buying men's clothes, but if I continue boy-moding when I go back home, I'd have to buy new ones.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I'm running on practically no sleep so I apologize if this is wordy, or unclear in any way. I just need to be done with this.
SAUL OF COFFEE