I'm doing okay in general but not great right now. Tests really are free for me and I can pretty much do as many as I want. But I exist with transphobic parents so that's not happening for a year or more.

I've come out in some places now and lost some of the fear. But now I have a different problem, namely that my voice still sucks because it turns out doing all voice training quietly in my room to avoid being heard, means I can only do the new voice quietly -_-. So now I have to somehow translate that to a more usable voice and make it less dependent on confidence (right now it collapses whenever I'm not confident enough).

Usually T & E tests are a bit expensive

US-centrism again. It costs nothing for my family here. :P

And so I don’t ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Once I’m over there, then I’ll ask. Once I malefail.

I do the same, and it is corroding me very significantly.

can confirm, especially the eating me alive part. plus i have controlling parents to the point where i have had to buy HRT illegally and am not even able to take it until the next parent-controlled blood test is done. luckily i wont have another one of those again since ill be turning 18 before that. also im kiiind of worrying about how i will hide how much money i spent on the HRT (which i had to do using shady gift-card-to-crypto exchanges because my bank accounts are monitored :| )

The thing is, thinking that way actually impedes your ability to pass. Passing is not a product of any individual thing but many things, and how people perceive and respond to you depends on lots of factors many of them do not do with physiological gender signifiers. I spent years denying myself everything I ever wanted. I wore loose baggy clothes, I didn’t try with my skincare or haircare, I would obsess about the way people perceived me and tear myself apart in the mirror over every little detail. I was making myself miserable, and holding myself back and being so obviously insecure about these things actually made me less likely to pass. Fully embracing my style and showcasing my curves and my skin has made a massive difference in the likelihood of me passing. I rarely do not pass anymore.

look at you literally describing me!

It’s okay if you can’t today, or if you still want to wait.

is it? i feel two conflicting things:

• if i start now i have a higher chance of being happy
• if i wait i will be more secure and sure that this is right and have a higher chance of being happy

💚

I believe there are, but even there I'd be too scared to go / come out. (Honestly considering I have had a 75% rejection rate, including another trans person, this isn't too surprising.)

Ich dachte erst, es wäre ein Bauhaufen.