TLDR; You gotta feed both the stability that ASD craves and the chaos that ADHD craves. Seek employment that fulfills the ASD needs and stability that isn't too much on your body that it seeps out into your personal life. Seek a personal life that fulfills the ADHD cravings and find physical reminders that occur that could trigger self improvement behavior. Let chaos dictate when you sleep, but structure in how you get ready for bed.

Find balance in all aspects of living life of chaos vs structure and learn/practice the skill to recognize which one is needed, when, and the skill to swap between the two

TLDR; You gotta feed both the stability that ASD craves and the chaos that ADHD craves. Seek employment that fulfills the ASD needs and stability that isn't too much on your body that it seeps out into your personal life. Seek a personal life that fulfills the ADHD cravings and find physical reminders that occur that could trigger self improvement behavior. Let chaos dictate when you sleep, but structure in how you get ready for bed.

Find balance in all aspects of living life of chaos vs structure and learn/practice the skill to recognize which one is needed, when, and the skill to swap between the two

Im in the same spot that you're in, but one month into actually trying to change my situation with employment, therapist, psychiatrist, and have scheduled a neruo psych exam for early this year so that I can get access to ADHD meds.

TLDR in separate comment as a reply to this one

(Ill deceide what i want to try after i get the results. I have adhd and probably high masking autism. My older brother has the official diagnosis and my dad displays the same symptoms that I do, so statistically I probably have the 'tism)

Ive been working on my mental self for over 4 years at this point with the perspective of having ADHD. I self discovered the autism late summer 2024 and have been working on acquiring traits/skills with that perspective for the past month to support the audhd.

Main skill ive discovered is to listen my body's subtle signs when and why im internally screaming and having a mini melt down. I check in with myself by asking the question 'would I feel happier if I could go to the car to scream over whatever I'm freaking out about?'

A trigger for a check in is mild tingles of discomfort or when my brain feels whelmed by my surroundings. This takes time and I'm on year 3 or 4 working on this skill. I treat the skill as a hobby and celebrate each time I notice.

Identify the situation, what's the root cause of stopping me and what's some options to thinking over time that will help? Thinking of solutions to the barrier of entry is the first step to doing an action. Just gotta break it down until it's digestible for my own self.

Am I frustrated that I can't do something perfectly/will doing something perfectly over good enough with a place holder until I get pissed off again enough to deal with that specific mini task at a later time if ever?

What's blocking my road? My brain or the task itself? Can I adhd set myself up for success for completion of the task at a different time? Take advantage of the structure you crave to figure out what is missing that would help you.

You gotta create your own dopamine with a quick 'whoo hooo! fist pump' since your brain can't as a reward. It feels dumb, but you're practicing the traits of a happy person and eventually you'll look for the small things in life to celebrate 🥳 for that quick dopamine boost. It's fun honestly plus trait acquiring can become a special interest/hobby.

Goal is to ease the barrier to start (and celebrate starting) instead of making the effort to even start too emotionally draining. And identify the self-guilt (that's been bred from an unfriendly society about performing correctly perfectly 100% of the time) that has impeded my ability to actually address my needs to achieve sustainable success for myself.

Career wise, see if you can try to land a job somewhere quite that doesn't require a whole lot of socializing. To statisfy the 'tism, your job should provide the structure in your life that you will crave. To satisfy the ADHD, you can do whatever you want during the day and change what you need to do on the fly. There's controlled chaos in doing errands early in the morning after work on the way back to cut down on how often you gotta leave the house, or after you wake up from the deep sleep. Invest in an eye mask (i can recommend one if ya want) and make sure to get an hour or two nap in before work. ADHD allows us to take advantage of falling asleep anytime anywhere and if that fails, there's always the devils lettuce. Just don't do it too often if possible because it does impact your brain's ability to reset while sleeping and the quality of rest. You get to decide if your free time is in the morning or evening and can switch it up for spontaneous excitement for the chaos we crave.

Example is being a night/morning shift at a hotel as a receptionist. That's what I did and its been amazing for my mental health. I've done more with engaging in my hobbies in the past month since I started my new job than the past 2-4 years due to being in survival mode all the time from work.

Another example is to work overnight at a hospital patient sitting. You can practice quite hobbies or even pick up quiet hobbies from the thrift store . This will feed the adhd that craves spontaneously and creatively.

Last resort is hit the random article link on Wikipedia, you'll have endless opportunities you learn. You could pick up books to read from your local library, coloring books, pick up knitting/crochet, plan a rough draft for anything your special interest is atm.

For context of where I come from; I was a barista that had to talk all the time because I was so good at interacting with customers on an 'authentic' level. I was so burnt out because I was trying to do school at the time too before I had to take a break. Too much over stimulation throughout all parts of my day that lead to me having major burnout/internal meltdown and eventually resorted to a bit of self-harm. Something had to give and it was me.

Also I learned about Rejection Disphoria Syndrome that is common in ADHD. Basically any and all perceived rejection/criticism/negatively feels like it cuts to my soul and is physically painful. Like I feel my chest hurt with mental pain when I interpret rejection. I couldn't understand how allisitics could function when they were going through this pain too. Surprise, they don't. They don't feel it anywhere on the same level and don't get retraumatized with every rejection.

Now imagine that with ASD and not realizing when you make a social blunder until someone points it out. That pointing it out is perceived as rejection, gets internalized, and becomes part of our self concept because with ASD, we can't conceive a self concept the same way that Allisitics do. Our self image is from feed back from others and most feed back with the way society is structured is negative due to our inability to fit in without changing and learning to mask. (This is where a therapist is super helpful for audhd with RSD because they can provide us with the positive feedback to restructure our self image and expectations).

Finally, look for hobbies that aren't about improvement, but are rewarding in the end product and stimulate your brain like a puzzle in trying to challenge perceived limitations. Inspiration can come from anytime you wish that you were into that thing because this person is so cool for being into it. Become cool yourself by picking up the hobby 😎

Finally, a hobby is a hobby as long as you engage with it once a year. I have the skill to crochet, and my main hobby is to collet yarn, pdf's for future projects, and fantasizing about my projects. This is all prep for when that adhd motivation boost happens, but are all vaild parts of the same hobby.

It seems to me that you're very focused on the end result of 'issue is solved' potentially without understanding and/or acknowledgement of the other person's efforts to solve the issue on their own.

Of course they should take the time to reciprocate when you're the one seeking resolution.

Listening to someone and allowing them time to vent to their own conclusion is to take part of their emotional journey. They may want your solutions eventually, but they want to have the human connection of going through that journey together so that way you have all the context for their feelings/stress.

People don't come to others for help and want to defend their previous actions. They just want to say that they're frustrated, this is what they did, this is what happened, and maybe that's all they want. Listening = validation of the human experience. Maybe after venting, they'll want some solutions.

Personally I have a hard time telling if someone wants a venting session or a solutions session. So I just straight up ask what they need and if they'll want to check in on the solutions after venting. This saves you the emotional labor required to try to help someone that doesn't want it and keeps the chance of frustration/unfulfillment low for both parties

Family though is a mixed bag. Unless both parties are operating under the same expectations, it'll lead to what you described. Understandable that you just don't get it since the fault is not on you