How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?
Invite another Mormon.
(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)
Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?
It's because they bless the rains down in Africa.
The last one i learned:
What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?
He saves and switches off his PlayStation.
I mean, the Dutch are terrible at defending.
Just ask around in Srebrenica.
This is the story of Trevor
Trevor was born in a farmer family. His family had been farmers for at least 4 generations. In Trevor's first birthday, his dad gave him a toy tractor, hoping he'd carry on the family tradition. Trevor loved this tractor. He had other toys of course, some cars, some planes, but all of the others combined didn't get played with nearly as much as the tractor. So, for his third birthday, Trevor's dad got him a rideable plastic tractor. A new favorite toy was found.
Things went on much the same. Trevor helped out on the farm when he wasn't busy with school. He ended up showing quite a gifting as a mechanic, probably because of his lifelong and ever increasing obsession with tractors. His father didn't miss this obsession, and for Trevor's 18th birthday, after scraping money together for over a year, he got Trevor a second hand tractor. It was the best day of Trevor's life so far.
After that, Trevor started taking over a lot of the jobs around the farm. His tractor, despite its age, managed to hold its own compared to some newer, fancier factors. All was well, until one day, when he met a girl. This girl, Trevette, was perfect. Beautiful, kind, smart, and a perfect mesh with him. They hit it off immediately, and eventually Trevor worked up the courage to officially ask her out. It went well until he invited her back to his farm. Then she saw all the evidence of his tractor obsession.
"Trevor, this probably isn't healthy"
"What isn't?"
"All this tractor stuff. It's too much"
It took a lot of persuading. It even took an ultimatum. Trevor had to choose between Trevette or his tractors. Eventually, he chose Trevette. He kept his real tractors, because he needed them for his job, but everything else - the tractor sheets, the tractor toys, the tractor wallpaper - it all had to go. He eventually got over his loss, and asked Trevette to marry him
It was a beautiful wedding. And not a tractor in sight, causing much less sadness in Trevor than anyone who grew up with him would have expected. Everything was going perfectly, until the cake was meant to come out. Then suddenly smoke came pouring out of the kitchen. It quickly filled the whole room, setting off all the alarms and nearly choking everyone in the room. Then Trevor stood up, took a deep breath in, pulling all the smoke out of the air. He then walked to the front door, kicked it open, then blew all the smoke into the night air. Everyone was shocked. Trevette asked "Trevor, how did you do that?"
"Well," he said. "I'm an ex tractor fan"
holy shit 😂
(raunchy humor)
A more kid friendly version:
Q: why do elephants have red eyes?
A: so they can hide in the cherry trees.
Q: have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: See, they can hide really themselves!
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says, "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"
Genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It shouts "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
Heard it in Russian a while ago, it's one of the classics. Here's another one:
A guy walks in a pub, sits at the table and orders a pint and a thimble of beer. Bartender gets him a pint and asks why he needs a thimble of beer. “Hold on a sec”, — replies the guy, putting an inch long little man onto the table from his pocket: “Jack, tell him about the time you told the wizard to go fuck himself”
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was getting a lot of funny looks over his attire, but finally the bartender breaks the ice.
"Sir, what's with the wheel sticking out of your pants?"
"Aargh, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a farm and a small boy opens the door.
“Hi kid, is your father at home?”
“No, he’s in the hospital”
“I’m so sorry, what happened?”
“He got run over by a tractor”
“That’s terrible! Is your mom at home then?”
“No, she’s also in the hospital.”
“What happened to her?”
“Got run over by a tractor as well”
“Then who’s looking after you?”
“Well, my aunt and uncle did until they got run over by a tractor”
“How horrible, so you are here all alone?”
“Yes. Everyone’s been run over by a tractor”
“So what do you do here all day all by yourself?”
“Not much, just riding around on a tractor”
A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.
The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.
The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.
“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”
Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.
Actually, I was working on something similar. The original 'stable relationship' joke is very compact and for me, kind of unfunny. I decided to adapt it into an Aristocrats format. I wanted to spin this out into a five minute monologue and commit it to memory, someday:
A man has been admitted to the trauma unit after inserting a massive collection of objects into his anus, following an unhinged crime spree of public indecency, raucous violence, and gravely harmful bestiality.
He was apprehended by police at the Churchill Downs after a dispute with a jockey. Apparently he had pinched their riding crop and was whipping himself and shrieking like a mare in heat. He was discharged from custody immediately, as it was apparent he had a life-threatening number of objects inside his body. Later, the partially-eaten body of a horse was found hidden under a pile of shit-covered hay. The opinion of the forensics lab was that the horse was slain in a crime of passion.
On arrival, doctors found the man completely insensitive to all known sedatives, until they tried a near-lethal cocktail of horse tranquilizers and Mongolian fermented horsemilk known as airag, which calmed him enough for imaging to be taken.
The preliminary x-rays showed eight My Little Pony toys and one limited edition plushie of Twilight Sparkle, a hardback copy of Equus and a well-worn paperback of Animal Farm, an unloaded Colt revolver, half a lucky horseshoe, a lasso, a ten gallon hat, a pink Himalayan salt lick, figurines of Mr. Ed, Maximus, and Secretariat, a Lego cowboy set, a half-empty pony keg, two white knight chess pieces and one black one which kept on falling out (because he’s been shitting himself uncontrollably this whole time you see), and the broken staff of a hobby horse, which protruded three feet from him. The head of the hobby horse he was using as a sort of codpiece, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. It was later found on eBay and recovered at great expense.
Prior to the procedure, his condition was reported as 'stable'.
Anyway, it's not quite there yet. There are some parts that feel kind of hat on a hat? I'd appreciate any notes you might have, I'll take any critical feedback; after all, you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.
I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn't get it.
Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters? He named them anna 1 anna 2.
Badum-TSSH
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?
On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.
After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me, 'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'" Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.
The preacher says "that's funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying"
A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy..
Therapist: Your wife says you don't pay attention to what's going on in her life and you're not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.
Husband: Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean.. I didn't even know she sold flowers.
A mild mannered working man one day hears a voice in his head whispering, "Give up everything and go to the casino!"
.
The man is a little freaked out, but he puts it down to stress and ignores it. But the voice is there every day, day in and day out, not giving him a moments peace, whispering in his head, "Sell everything you own and go to the casino!"
.
This goes on for weeks, months. "Take all your money to the casino...it is your destiny!" Finally he can't take it any more, it's driving him mad. He can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't concentrate on anything. So he gives in and sells his house, his car, his worldly possessions, everything, and takes the money to the local casino. He bursts in the door like a wild man and yells out, "OK! I'm here! Now what ?!"
.
The voice whispers, "take all your money to the roulette table and bet on 15 black." The man shouts back, "Why should I ?!" The voice responds, "Do this, and you will have your answers!"
.
Weaving and stumbling, he stalks over to the roulette table and puts a bet down, all his money on earth, on 15 black. The ball drops, the roulette wheel spins, around and around it goes. The man watches it with feverish intensity, around and around, until finally the ball stops on...2 red.
.
The voice in his head whispers, ".....fuck!"
Q: How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
A: One will see you later, and the other in a while.
Q: What's the difference between a hippo, and a zippo?
A: One's real heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
Where does the king keep his armies?
in his sleevies!
"How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?" "Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother...I MEAN THE LADDER!!".
Red paint!
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She couldn't see that well.
Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?
He was hung like this: Spread your arms out as if on a cross
The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.
Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn't give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.
Pretty much anything to get a groan or chuckle out of my wife.
One time while cutting up an avocado I remarked that they need better prizes, because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball.
That was of course good for a groan, but it would not be the end of it. I tend to do most of our cooking, and since our kitchen is kind of small my wife is usually in the living room while I am and can't really see what I'm doing
So now whenever I'm cutting up an avocado I let out a groan of disappointment. And since my wife is a loving, caring sort of person she always asks "what's the matter?"
To which I reply with an exasperated "Another little wooden ball"
Going on 10 years, and she falls for in any time.
--
This isn't one I think particularly much of, I wasn't even particularly trying to be funny, but my wife got quite a chuckle out of it, so it ranks. I was doing dishes, while she was again in the other room, I think on the phone with her mother.
I go to grab a spoon to clean from the rather large pile in the sink, which set off a bit of a chain reaction of dishes and pots shifting around and making a bit of a racket.
I paused for moment, and just kind of commented out loud to myself "huh, so that was a load-bearing spoon"
And apparently something about that delivery made my wife crack up.
--
Another time I was dead tired and crashed early, and was apparently not very willing to share the blankets or pillows or something when my wife came to join me.
Being more asleep than awake, I mumbled that she could pry them from my cold dead hands WHen she tried to get me to give some bedding up for her use.
Unfortunately for me, my wife is one of those people who is always somehow cold, and so she just applied her icy hands to my body, causing me to exclaim "AAH, COLD DEAD HANDS!"
--
I once showed her a picture of a snake I saw when I was out for a hike. She asked me how big it was, I told her about 2 feet
Which I also told her is 2 more than most snakes have.
--
I pointed out some geese, and asked if she knows how geese fly in a V-formation, which of course she did. Then I asked if she knew why sometimes one side of the V was longer than the other, she did not
I informed her that it's because that side has more geese.
One of my favorite classic one:
-What is red, makes a rumbling noise, and is hard to swallow?
-A tractor.
All of these jokes reminds me of the joke about jokes.
You see, back in the vaudeville days, social clubs were popular. Secret societies, fraternal orders, et cetera. So all these comedians got together and created the National Order of Comedians, Clowns and Jokesters. Every year they would have a national conference, and each member would get up on stage and tell a joke. See the comments here if you want to relive the experience.
As the years passed, since all the members were extremely professional and took humor seriously, and with the NOCCJ taking in new members, they decided to save time and just tell the punchlines. So a comedian would go on stage, say something like "wrecked him? Damn near killed him!" And everyone would chuckle, and then pass the mic to the next person.
Well more years passed and they got even more members, the NOCCJ was huge. So to save even more time, they made The List. All the jokes were on the list, and each joke got a number. So a comedian would get up on stage, say something like "57", everyone would politely clap, and then pass the mic and keep going.
Last year though, something happened. I was, of course, there, sitting in the crowd, and things were going on as they have been for years. "34" clap clap. "876" clap clap. "358" clap clap. "277" clap clap.
Then someone, I couldn't tell you who, got on stage and said "478".
From the back, this old man starts laughing. He's got tears streaming down his face, he's roaring with laughter, falling out of his chair. He's laughing so hard people are worried he's going to have a heart attack! So we rush back to him to see if he's all right.
We got to him and pull him off of the floor, and someone asks him "what's going on? Are you ok??"
Panting, still crying from laughter and wheezing, he yells out... "I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!"
What’s the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?
Eric Clapton isn’t going to let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
Seriously, though, it’s really bad taste to make jokes about Clapton’s son, since he was a very prolific writer. Not many people know this, but he did nearly 50 stories before his death.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.
How is toilet paper like the Starship Enterprise?
It circles Uranus looking for klingons.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
One of my old gristly boomer Uber passengers told me one recently that got a chuckle.
Husband says to wife that he discovered this great and natural way to make your cleavage bigger. She excitedly asked for the information. He says all you gotta do is rub some toilet paper down the middle a couple of times a day.
She was confused, but decided there'd be no harm in trying. After a couple weeks, she gets impatient and complains to her husband "I've been doing this for weeks, and there hasn't been any growth!" He replies with "It's not working? Damn, worked on your ass."
Poop jokes. Okay, well... They're not actually my very favorite. But they're number 2!
"Mother Superior, we've discovered a case of syphilis!"
"Oh wonderful! I was getting tired of the Chablis..."
Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside it's too dark to read
Translated:
What's the difference between a duck? Both legs are the same length, especially the left one.
What is not my absolute favorite joke. He tries really hard when he plays.
What's on second, Who's on first, and I Don't Know's on third.
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