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submitted 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) by JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social to c/cooking@lemmy.world

(as seen at the evil empire, but I just had to liberate it)

So, uh... what's your pizza-disaster story, y'all? I'll go first.

Me, I used to deliver for Domino's, and it was tonnes more fun than I'd imagined. First order of business was getting myself this freakin' awesome powered-spotlight that plugged in to the cigarette lighter in my car, nominally so as to throw a spotlight on street addresses, at need. But hoh-my-god, that sucker was fun to play around with in general.

Also, like Ed Grimley, "I must say" that the tips were unusually good, to supplement the standard shit-wages of a delivery-boy. This was in 1990 btw, so wow... 36yrs ago, now. Tempus fugit, nonne?

Anyway, my most awkward encounter ever was the time I made a delivery, placed the pizza directly in to the man's hands, and... for whatever reason(s) he dropped it. Right in front of me. Right between us. Probably one of the earliest scammers I ever dealt with, but it was hella embarrassing and awkward, dammit. I sure as heck didn't know what to do or say...

How about you. Got anything..?

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[-] Nosavingthrow@lemmy.world 149 points 5 days ago

Your dad is gerrymandering the pizza.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 32 points 5 days ago
[-] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 12 points 5 days ago

So then this pizza must be in a red state. I heard blue states can't do that.

[-] Breezy@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago

It would require a single olive mixed with all the pepperoni slices to really portray reality.

[-] GutterRat42@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago

I came to say this. Gerrymandering is getting out of control.

[-] driving_crooner@lemmy.eco.br 69 points 5 days ago

"Autism didn't existed on my time"

This person dad:

[-] AeonFelis@lemmy.world 7 points 4 days ago

I'll leave judgement to the Italian Supreme Court.

[-] cupcakezealot@piefed.blahaj.zone 20 points 5 days ago
[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 3 points 5 days ago

I'm just a tadpole. Oh well.

[-] SatansMaggotyCumFart@piefed.world 21 points 5 days ago

I'm going to start cutting my pizza like this.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 8 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Well, I for one believe that might fully live up to the Dark Lord's diabolical, maggot-ridden, ejaculation-expectoration. Well CHOSEN, sir. ❤️

:D

[-] Crozekiel@lemmy.zip 4 points 4 days ago

Like, if that pizza is just for him, I kinda dig it. But if that is cut up for the family (and assumably siblings) to share, he deserves to deal with the absolute pants-shitting screaming match over who gets which piece that is inevitable.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 2 points 4 days ago

Probably one of those 'I'm paying for the food and roof over your heads' kind of thing. Sadly, situations like that can get pretty warped and toxic, indeed.

[-] Gust@piefed.social 13 points 5 days ago

Not a pizza story, but I used to deliver for jimmy johns. I took an order one time to an address that was in an area with a bunch of individual doctors offices, and this address looked like it had a small lobby just like any of those doctors offices. I walked right into this family's living room while they were having some kind of get together, they asked what the hell I was doing, and i turned bright red and held up the box of sandwiches. It ended up alright; I explained myself, then they asked me to take a picture with them and joked about delivery so good they didnt even have to get off the couch. In retrospect, I realized I basically just broke and entered in a stand your ground state and got super lucky the family was chill about it

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 5 points 5 days ago

*phew*
(fist-bump)

[-] ZMoney@lemmy.world 8 points 4 days ago

There was a guy at a nursing home who lived on the 27th floor. Had to drive through a checkpoint with a guard, check in at the front desk, and ride the elevator to deliver the same plain cheese pizza every time. The guy was probably 95 so he always gave two quarters as as a tip, thinking this was a lot for a 20-something delivery driver. Probably didn't know that the financial crisis had made it impossible to find a real job even with a university degree, and that the extra 15 minutes dealing with his building meant I was losing money, and I couldn't use the fifty cents to buy a chicken dinner like he could when he was my age.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 8 points 4 days ago

Yikes.
There's a lot to comment on there, but in the US at least, there truly was a period of 'greatness' from around the mid-1930's to its last gasp in the mid-1970's, much of it salvaged by FDR-style politics.

IME Boomers sadly whiff on all that all the time.

[-] Bahnd@lemmy.world 11 points 5 days ago

Im going to start doing this, just to piss other people off. Thank you for the idea father of random internet person.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 6 points 5 days ago

I live to serve! :D

[-] PyroNeurosis 10 points 5 days ago

Next time imply you're bringing friends and he'll need to cut it into 32 pieces.

I wanna see him make 32 mini-pizzas with one (1) pepperoni on each.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 4 points 4 days ago

LOL

thanks for that

[-] _stranger_@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago

I wanted to talk smack at you but honestly that's kind of a fun idea

[-] howrar@lemmy.ca 4 points 4 days ago

You made me go and count the pepperonis on that pizza.

[-] caseyweederman@lemmy.ca 3 points 4 days ago

You miscounted, there's actually 33

[-] howrar@lemmy.ca 2 points 4 days ago

Not falling for that. I refuse.

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[-] driving_crooner@lemmy.eco.br 11 points 5 days ago

Next time retire all pepperonis, cut like a normal pizza and then put the pepperoni's back.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 8 points 5 days ago

No wait..!!
I got a much-better idea! Just cut 36 different pizza-slices around each individual pepperoni, and then a few more around that barren wasteland.

NOW you can sell it as like 50 unique pizzas, right? :D

[-] LastYearsIrritant@sopuli.xyz 3 points 5 days ago

What about overlapping pepperoni?

[-] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

No next time take all the pepperoni off after he does this, cut them in half with little scissors, then put them back

edit five hours and no one has acknowledged my pun? my pun must go acknowledged.

[-] DocMcStuffin@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago

Your dad needs to step up his frozen pizza game. He needs to remove all the pepperoni before baking then rearrange them so he can slice the pizza without cutting any of them.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 4 points 5 days ago

Bloody-hell mate, it's a DEAL!

[-] kogasa@programming.dev 6 points 4 days ago

Regarding this pizza, I get it. I really do. But I feel like I would learn how to sharpen a pizza cutter before I would decide to do this.

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[-] Watermark710@piefed.social 6 points 4 days ago
[-] isyasad@lemmy.world 10 points 4 days ago

I think with the quotes in the title and the "(as seen at the evil empire, but I just had to liberate it)" they are trying to imply that they took it from Reddit.

[-] JohnnyEnzyme@piefed.social 6 points 4 days ago

Absolutely right, thank you.
I also stole another one from Reddit 2-3 weeks ago. (remember that amazing soy-sauce dish?)

Whaddya, need me to watermark it for you, @Watermark710@piefed.social ?

[-] sniggleboots@europe.pub 5 points 4 days ago

Big Triangle doesn't want you to know you can cut pizza this way, wake up

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[-] adarza@lemmy.ca 5 points 5 days ago

i do this, too, sometimes.. but i don't make rounded cuts--that's just all kinds of messed up.

[-] owsei@programming.dev 5 points 5 days ago

Aside from the top 2 slices which are a fucking tragedy, this honestly doesn't look too bad. Most slices have 3 to 4 pieces of pepperoni, so the area is kinda close and the shapes aren't horrible to hold.

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[-] Lexam@lemmy.world 4 points 5 days ago

Don't let him cut the pizza.

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[-] Kenny2999@lemmy.world 3 points 5 days ago
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[-] troglodyte_mignon@lemmy.world 3 points 5 days ago

So, which slice did your father choose for himself?

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this post was submitted on 12 May 2026
245 points (100.0% liked)

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