If we wanna stick to something Slavic the language would have been some form of Proto-Balto-Slavic (Wikipedia says it's era began in the 2nd m. BC) or maybe Proto-Indo-European (which's era "ends" c. 2500 BC) morphing into Proto-Baltic-Slavic, right?

But then the location would be impossible, since as another comment mentioned Slavs didn't penetrate into Siberia till the 16th century.

I'm too lazy right now to reconstruct this meme with the bottom panel referencing some form of Uralic or Turkic instead.

(This comment is not meant in a negative way btw. I love the idea and think it's quite funny!)

Fun, albeit slightly pedantic, fact. Slavic languages, like Muscovite (which became “Russian”), only spread to Siberia during the Russian Tsardom’s settler colonial invasion in the late 1500s.

Before then we had lots of different indigenous languages, many in Turkic or Uralic language groups. So “Ivan Mammothovic” is an anarchronism.

Upvoted for the use of Umlauts.

This entire thread is Atlantean erasure! While the Egyptians were building pyramids, the Atlantean civilization was busy inventing ASMR.

Siberians roaming freely, while thousands in Egypt are whipped to move stones.

The saddest thing is that Homo florensis and megalopithecus lived in the same area but almost during the same time.

Imagine waking around the forest and seeing an ape many times taller than you, living among gods.