I tend to feel like I had a relatively happy childhood. My parents made mistakes like all parents do, and there were life events that happened that weren't fair, but overall I didn't have anything overly tragic happen in my early childhood.

I also have a pretty good memory and can recall specific events from the age 3 though adulthood. But, I noticed in the 4th grade that I simply didn't have any memories from the 2nd grade beyond just 2 or 3 things. That has always bothered me, and as I get older the more it bothers me. I've asked my mom, but she can't think of anything that would have caused me to block memories. I've just accepted now that maybe nothing memorable happened that year.

It's very hard to have a safe space to talk about these things and I hope moderation here works responsibly.

My experience was a bit different. I wasn't really a victim of child abuse, but probably part of the inner circle of a victim of child abuse who replicated those behaviors with his friends. It was hard to come to terms with the things that I did as a child, which ultimately were the kind of "games" that you kept hidden from adults, until I realized something was wrong and stopped. I stopped even after I was blackmailed by said circle and never came back, ever.

Memory is weird when you were hurt, because you don't wanna come back to it. But you can achieve so much by confronting what happened if you are feeling the urge or the angst of a black veil covering your whole childhood. Understand one thing, whatever happened can't hurt you anymore.

I have a pretty similar feeling about memories of my childhood, however I'm very certain it's not based on trauma but on my anxiety disorder. (Anxiety and memory issues apparently go hand in hand.) I'm not sure how applicable this is to you, but definitely go get an evaluation if you can.

First off--good work writing this down and sharing it. It's terrifying to dive into this stuff, but the fact that you shared it here means you're probably ready to start figuring it out.

I had something similar--only vague impressions of things from before age 9 or so. I worked with a therapist and eventually had some repressed memories surface. Overall, it was a difficult journey, but absolutely worth it. There are a lot of things that I had assumed were just "wrong with me." After understanding my history, I've been able to start recovering from these things and I've become a lot better at loving myself.

For what it's worth, our brains are wired to protect us, and that continues. I never recalled the entirety of what happened to me, only as much as I needed to recover. You may find there's nothing, or you might uncover a lot--either way, your brain is still working to keep you safe.

If you have the means, get with a good therapist who can help you through this. Otherwise if there's someone close who you can trust, you could ask them. If you don't have any of that, feel free to DM me--probably not as helpful as someone you know, but better than going it alone.

You’re definitely not alone in this. Matches really closely with my experience. As long as I can remember I can’t recall childhood memories to the point that the child version of me feels like a different person - dissociation is strong. It’s been bothering me more and more and has had me thinking something traumatic must have happened because what else would explain it?

I’ve been in therapy for half a year now and learning a lot about myself. I’ve been doing EMDR with my therapist and it’s been enlightening. I haven’t uncovered any specific major traumatic event yet but I’m connecting with suppressed and abandoned parts of myself. For the moment I’m going with the assumption that I have CPTSD (complex PTSD) which is a chronic version of the acute PTSD. I’ve also learned I have a fearful (or disorganized) attachment style and am a carrier of toxic shame so I’d recommend looking into those concepts since they seem to correlate.

I’m proud of you for posting and questioning - you’re on the path, my friend :)

Same, same, same, same, same. For years I thought it was just totally normal to remember next to nothing prior to about 11 or so. Over the years a few other things came together than made me really go "hrrrmmm". I've never really done anything to pick at it though ... it is what it is, and it's already played out in my life in the worst ways it will (alcoholism, extremely unhealthy relationships, rampant adultery, etc.) ... doesn't even seem worth the effort for me at this point.

If I could have stopped those things before they started by addressing and dealing with this stuff when I was younger though, that would have been worth it for sure! If it's bugging you, get to the bottom of it, safely, with a qualified professional! Best of luck, and I really admire your courage to post this.