Yes please and no thank you
I do that too, of course, but "sir" and "ma'am" are a bit more formally polite by showing deference.
Stop showing deference. No gods, no masters!
[preface: I got mad respect for you for wanting to find a solution here that works for everyone. Top-shelf stuff right there. The following is adding detail and not to berate you and I want to make sure that’s out there.]
People really don’t mind either way. The bar is on the floor with how conservatives are acting these days so simply respecting their pronouns will let them feel so much more human.
There are two kinds of respect I’ve experienced: the first is simply treating others kindly, fairly, and with patience and consideration. The second “formal politeness” is more often demanded than earned and it’s always based on stuff like “I’m older than you” because they don’t have anything else going for them. That deference is meant to make anyone who doesn’t treat them as special out to be “impolite” so they don’t need to back-up their decisions.
Most decent people don’t want the second kind of respect. I know for me it makes me feel icky thinking that someone has muted themselves because they’re afraid of making me angry. Mind you I don’t think poorly of anyone who says it, ever, because they’re just doing what they were taught and trying to be polite.
Most decent people don’t want the second kind of respect. I know for me it makes me feel icky thinking that someone has muted themselves because they’re afraid of making me angry. Mind you I don’t think poorly of anyone who says it, ever, because they’re just doing what they were taught and trying to be polite.
Strong agree. I do not want to be shown deference if I’m not in an explicit position of authority and I do now want to shown respect if I haven’t earned it. (I also resent being asked to show deference or respect when it isn’t merited.) General politeness, like please and thank you, goes a long way toward demonstrating that you respect the person as an equal, which feels much more respectful to me than imposing some kind of arbitrary implied hierarchy of unearned respect between strangers.
unearned respect
I suspect this here is where the break is. I don't think respect needs to be earned, I think all humans, all creatures, all things are worthy of respect by default. Sure, you can lose respect, but the default interaction with a stranger should be a respectful one.
I actually totally agree. All people should begin worthy of our respect simply because we are humans, and our language should reflect that. Where the break is for me is that (again, for me) honorifics and similar terms imply hierarchical respect or deference, and that’s where the “earned respect” comes in. My respect for you as an equal is yours to lose; my respect for you as superior is yours to earn. In my language community, regular old please and thank you communicate the first kind, while honorifics convey the second.
Comrade.
I could do that!
I don’t know where you grew up, but this sounds like “southern hospitality.” I’m a gen-x New Englander, and it always creeped me out because I suspected it originated from slavery, and it seems I was right: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_hospitality
Sir and ma'am are so far divorced from any of that as to be absurd.
Nor is polite formality a purely southern thing at all. People up north used to teach their kids to sir and ma'am their teachers too.
I can relate! Thank you for helping put a reason behind the ick I was instinctively feeling!!
I don’t think that kind of thing is unique to the South nor its link to slavery. In a larger scope, it’s a deference to class hierarchy. George Orwell in Homage to Catalonia, talking about his experience in socialist Barcelona during the Spanish Civil War:
Waiters and shop-walkers looked you in the face and treated you as an equal. Servile and even ceremonial forms of speech had temporarily disappeared. Nobody said ‘Señor’ or ‘Don’ or even ‘Usted’; everyone called everyone else ‘Comrade’ and ‘Thou’, and said ‘Salud!’ instead of ‘Buenos días’. Tipping was forbidden by law; almost my first experience was receiving a lecture from a hotel manager for trying to tip a lift-boy.
I think just go the Invader Zim route and infer honorifics by height.
"Yes, my tallest" and "forgive me, my tallest" should cover you in most yes/no situations.
And if they're not taller than you? Well then they're less intelligent, so you can turn up your nose in scorn and look over heads until they go away.
I learned a lot of about social interaction from that show.
It would be nice if we could get a consensus gender neutral formal honorific. But it's pulling teeth to get everyone on board with polite respect in using gender neutral pronouns at all. People be trippin.
Formal honorifics are important. They're about giving verbal respect until familiarity builds enough to bypass the barrier of the unknown.
Yeah, the origins of honorifics were bound into classist malarkey, but they haven't stayed there. Once we got to the point where folks were ma'aming and sirring everyone, it became something useful. A way of navigating the complex layers of social interaction, and generating a gradual path from stranger to friend.
Sir and ma'am are equalizers when used broadly. They set everyone respected individual by default. I would love a third, or even more, term/terms to be added to that for our neighbors that don't fit the binary.
Good honorifics are the foundation of maintaining good behavior towards everyone
That would be my ideal outcome. I haven't seen a neo-pronoun type of thing for this situation, sadly. It's tough to impose new rules on a language via fiat anyway, so it probably wouldn't catch on.
Don’t worry about it.
When someone corrects you, refer to them as they’ve asked you to and if they haven’t or weren’t clear, ask them how they’d like to be called.
E: In my experience it speaks more powerfully when you can be wrong, apologize and correct the mistake with understanding and grace than when you just drill the agender language till its rote.
No one identifies as chief or boss.
This is a helpful reply; thank you.
Appreciate the recognition on your part!
My wife actually called me out on my one worded answers, as the way I say it (my tone of voice), it comes off very unfriendly or cold.
Before --
"Do you want more water?"
Me: "Yep." (Cold silence.)
Now --
"Do you want more water?"
Me: "Yes please! Thank you so much."
I absolutely noticed a difference by just adding more words makes me come off less hostile and more polite.
That's great. I recognize that folks with whom I interact at their work are often treated indifferently at best, and I like to make their day a little better if I can.
I'll often just go for a "thank you kindly!". It has the same flow.
That IS pretty good...
Please and thank yous are enough to be polite to strangers.
"Good morning/day/evening" or something similar always seemed to be appreciated and "Have a nice/great day/week/weekend/..." works quite well in most situations where you or other people are leaving too.
I'm often on the opposite side of your cashier experience.
For me personally, I appreciate the polite gesture and understand the automatic nature it can be for some, especially southerners. So unless I can tell that I'm being "sir'd" with someone who has clocked me and wants to show their smoothbrain, then I don't care much.
That said, I like the general idea of treating everyone with a nonconfrontational politeness, so I've been replacing formal pronouns with chief, coach, Bud, comrade, etc. Its ended up being even more disarming for most, and has a nice side effect of reducing the amount that I get misgendered.
Hope it helps, Have a great day chief!
It does, thanks Bud!
Thanks, boss.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. Strangers shouldn't expect you to know everything about them.
I'm from NZ so my go to is "mate" but having lived in the UK and Ireland for nearly ten years, holy crap do they have you covered with many fantastic options...
Darling - this is what old ladies at my local supermarket checkout prefer in East London. Dear - similar to above it is probably supposed to be said to someone younger than you Love - pronounced "Luv" is all England I think Boss - (or Bossman - but not relevant here) is a widespread London one. Duck - Often used in the Midlands, particularly around Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire. Pet - the North East, such as in Newcastle. My lover - the South West, particularly in Bristol and surrounding areas. Gaffer - maybe Irish?
The more obviously gendered ones are actually extensive too like Hen, Babs, Babes, Son, Chick, Flower, Laddie, Lassie, Bonnie, Doll.
Honourable mention for Twat - when you don't want to be polite.
People who grew up here will have even more. To them I say, have I passed the Home Office "Life in the UK" test now?
With flying colours, me old strumpet
try talking to them as people, not service workers – friendly, sympathetic, understanding go much further than politeness (and, as a side note, pronouns don’t come up nearly as often when you’re talking with people rather than to people) – “Hello”, “Thank you”, “Yes, please”, “No, thanks”, “Sounds good”, “Sorry, but nope”, “Not today”, …
An enby I encountered a fair bit back home would call everyone friend, and I might refer to people as folks. I am lucky I'm Australian, so mate also works.
Friend is good, but I'd feel a bit like I was in a cult, I think.
"Thanks, friend. By the way, you know who else is your friend? The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Let me tell you all about it."
I'd drop it altogether, but maybe replace with "friend" as a midway point where you feel the need?
“Hail and well met, comrade!”
Or just call everyone dude.
The dude abides
I see a lot of unhelpful comments so far, so just let me say that I get where you're coming from and am also seeking a good option.
In informal situations, I use "cousin" or "neighbor"; at work with patrons I use "sir" or "miss" if I think I can guess the gender and "my friend" if I'm unsure. ("Miss" instead of "ma'am" or "madam" because apparently Easterners have a weird age connotation with those terms that I honestly don't fully understand.) I also use "friends" for a mixed group. But I've got nothing for a formal situation such as addressing a stranger on the street.
For those telling OP –and by extension, my Midwestern self– that just saying "excuse me" or "thank you" is fine... respectfully, no. That doesn't address the person. I get that manners vary by region, but it doesn't help us to be polite in an ungendered way in the regions we are.
Just drop the pronouns. Super easy, doesn’t change based on who your are speaking to, and just saying Thanks or Thank You is 1000x better than your average retail customer.
First things first, if you're still troubled by that one particular interaction try to address and apologise it as soon as you have a good opportunity. Not any opportunity, a good one.
I can't comment on the root of your question, since that culture of your is very different from mine.
Yes, please and No, thank you do me fine
Working at a gas station, most of the truckers that came in would call me "boss" or "chief" which I thought was funny. Like "thanks boss" or "how's it going chief". Not sure its for everyone but its certainly neutral in my eyes.
When I don't know which to use I will fall back on the old Aussie "mate" title.
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