Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I'm trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.
Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)
- My parents didn't take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
- One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
- I'm scared other people won't take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
- I'm scared I'll be seen as some kind of abomination
- I don't really feel like I "deserve" to come out since I haven't started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don't feel like I pass well enough. I know I don't need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect
This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don't even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I'm male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I'm also scared it was the looks and not the voice.
Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that'll of course validate them in their negativity.
As I've said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me "not passing enough". (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that's what I'm here to fix.)
I'm on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don't know how trans-supportive they are. I'm primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they're good with trans stuff too, but it's not a requirement as I've already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.
So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?
Yeah I know. I've already cut off ties with that friend mostly.
CW: rest of this message is infused with my brain worms around passing
I'd actually rather live with dysphoria forever and simply be dissociated and self-hating the whole time. Not because I don't think I'd be a "real woman", but because if I can't for the most part look like a cis woman, I'm STILL going to have the dysphoria, but then I'm also going to have to deal with people telling me I'm an abomination - it'd only make things worse because it would just add to the existing pain.
Then again there is basically no way for HRT to make me look worse, and I already look so fem that if I was actually trying I could probably already pass.
I appreciate you providing the content warning. It's alright to have those understandable fears. I agreed for a very long time, and I used to present androgynous and not correct people who misgendered me because I thought I would only ever be happy with myself and be accepted by others if I appeared cis in every conceivable way.
The thing is, thinking that way actually impedes your ability to pass. Passing is not a product of any individual thing but many things, and how people perceive and respond to you depends on lots of factors many of them do not do with physiological gender signifiers. I spent years denying myself everything I ever wanted. I wore loose baggy clothes, I didn't try with my skincare or haircare, I would obsess about the way people perceived me and tear myself apart in the mirror over every little detail. I was making myself miserable, and holding myself back and being so obviously insecure about these things actually made me less likely to pass. Fully embracing my style and showcasing my curves and my skin has made a massive difference in the likelihood of me passing. I rarely do not pass anymore.
Hiding a part of yourself is never going to make you happy. If you want to be happy someday, and you should you deserve to live a happy life, then you have to stop setting limits past which you're allowed to be happy. To be clear, I understand wanting to wait till you've been on hormones. I really do, I did wait myself. I also then waited 7 years before i allowed myself to wear dresses in public. And embrace my own femininity I'm visible ways, wore clothes that accentuated my body instead of hiding it. All things I'd wanted to do for years but I didn't, because I didn't think I would pass and therefore wouldn't allow myself.
It's okay if you can't today, or if you still want to wait. This was just my experience and I thought it worthwhile to share. Far fewer people are scrutinizing us that closely than it feels like. You're beautiful and it's important that you believe that too. I know it sounds stupid or corny or whatever. But next time you look at yourself in the mirror and that voice pops up pointing out all those little dysphoria inducing details, try and notice a few things you like about how you look. Write them down. Try and look for them again when you're feeling dysphoric. Good body image is a process.
look at you literally describing me!
is it? i feel two conflicting things: