I think everything you're saying makes lots of sense. The only thing I want to add is that the discomfort and confusion you're dealing with around this isn't because of you. You live in an intolerant, homophobic society and you're trying to figure out how to treat people well who are marginalized and excluded by that society.

It's genuinely difficult, because you have to choose which social norms to ignore, which to try to change, and which to follow. Doing that with grace is very hard. And putting in effort is the single most important thing.